How many 5-year-olds could you take out?

by Vladimir Cole { Mar 27th 2005 at 7:50PM }

kids running Just when we thought we had seen it all, the Internet reminds us that there are still unplumbed depths of fascinating depravity to be explored. The following idea started out as just another dumb "what if" conversation over beer and evolved into a highly-structured game with tight rules. It's not a video game yet, but about 30% of the way into the thread the inevitable comparison to video games is made and suddenly everyone's a game designer.

Here are the rules:

You're in a basketball court-sized area.
There are no foreign objects.
You are not allowed to touch a wall.
You lose if knocked out. You win if you knock them all out.
The pool will be representative of normal 5-year-old demographics.
The kids receive one day of training from combat experts.
You will receive one hour of combat training.
No protection other than a standard groin cup.
The kids will not get scared. Even the last one will give it his/her best.

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

kirbs @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM

I don't know what's scarier: the seriousness of the people answering the question, or the fact that the debate lasts for a full 31 pages.

Normal five year-olds? Infinite. Bloodthirsty insane karate five year-olds? 10.

cdog @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM

speaking as a father of a 4 and 6 year old. I don't think you would last 5 seconds against these odds. Kids this age know no fear, and they attack without mercy. Give them combat training and you would have the ultimate killing machines. The horror...the horror...

Brian @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM

Battle Royale?
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0266308/

Vladimir Cole @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM

Yup - I thought of Battle Royale immediately. A BR game would get blasted here in the US, where school shootings are all too common. In Japan they're comfortably absent.

010111 @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM

31 pages? it's longer than that! like 40-something. i just finished reading all of it. good read. totally hilarious.

i'd post some of my personal favorite quotes from it... but they are all better in the context of the whole thread.

010111 @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM

cdog... presumably you don't actively try to incapacitate your 4 and 6 year old. and presumably let them get close enough to do damage as in... you don't keep them out of a 4' perimeter of your being at all times. both traits that are desired in a father... much less so as an opponent in the 1 adult : 40 5-year old death match. i reckon your 4 and 6 year old would be easy pickings if you *TRULY* gave it your all and tried to do some damage. they'd last a few seconds tops.

MrTroy @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM

I say we actually try... that way we can see.

John @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM

The thing to remember is that while even IF it takes you...what 3, 4 seconds to incapacitate one or two or even three of them...one other kid is gonna get a good kick to the shin or the crotch. Then, with that one opening, youll have 10 sets of flailing arms and feet grabbing at you and youll be lucky to stay on your feet. Then once youre down, itll be face kicking city and lights out.

Try this @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM

To gurentee success, you must have long legs, wear shoes that give you some mometum, such as Doc Martins, not sure if steel toes are allowed, the heaver the better, Just keep doing round house kicks. To conserve energy, try to line them up one two three side by side. Don't let them crowed you, or you're doomed, always try to create space so you have room to kick. When worse comes to worse, you pick up a kid by their feet and swing 360's and aim for heads.

don't use fists, cuz your hand will be broken pretty fast. Do it like wesly snipes does, use your palm and push up the nose.

In the perfect world, you'd have.

Did I hear no foregin objects? Ok then the prime weapon is to break necks, hold and twist. Use the kid as the weapon, a base ball bat. It will be barbaric, but you got to do what you got to do...

cdog @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM

hmmm... I still don't think you would last long. Kids instinctively know all your weakest softest places and stomp right on them. I'll have to try smacking my kids around a bit and see how long they last. My guess is i would wear out before they would.

50 half a hundred @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM

kids are ticklish and whatnot

otakucode @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM

Vladimir Cole: Yes, quite... could it be because the students there are respected as people, given responsibility and emotional outlets through violent movies and videogames rather than being repressed to the point of explosion? Nahhh....

As for the 5 yr olds... I think I could take out a fair few. Not because I am perticularly strong (I'm not) but simply because I think I could use them against each other. Swing a 5-year-old around by the wrist and you can get one airborne without much effort, then use his/her weight plus centrifugal (or is it centripital? I get them messed up) force to launch them into the other kids.

And if merely discussing an idea like this gets your feathers ruffled, I hereby nominate you for removal from civilized society. We don't need hypersensitive people like you around at all.

Brian B @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM

yeah, but when things get desperate, as "John" had stated earlier, some other 5 year olds can AND will use their mouth to tear out what WAS once your crotch (both of the family gems AND ze' frankfurt.)

Pangloss @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM

a lot of the thread picked up on the idea of using the downed ones' bodies as weapons, but no one seems to have thought about making yourself a minor fort in the corner out of their corpses for whenever you need a breather. with that strategy in mind, i have to say i could take over 200, the largest definite number i saw anyone put down.