29 no-nos for gamers over age 30
by Vladimir Cole 
{ Nov 11th 2005 at 9:57AM }
The ESA says that the average gamer is 30 years old. It's time that those of us who are 30 or
older realize that some of the things we grew up doing as gamers are no longer really appropriate, cool, or kosher
given our new demographic bucket. Here, then, is a helpful guide to 29 things a gamer should never do past the age
of 30.
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Participate in LAN parties with minors
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Quit your job to pursue a pro-gaming career
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Start a Star Wars themed PC case mod in the living room
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Ever use the jargon OMG, BBQ and WTF together in the same phrase
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Pirate games - shouldn't you have an income by now?
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Find the idea of teamkilling funny
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Choose a female avatar so that you can try to upskirt her
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Refuse to play games that are rated lower than mature
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Tea-bag a downed opponent in Halo 2
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Play any game with Princess Toadstool in it
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Choose a gamer handle including any form of the words "hell," "killer," "death," or "-inator"
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Yell "pwnt" in a public virtual space
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Play a female character in an MMOG in order to troll for "Crying Game" victims
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Disconnect when losing at Starcraft or any other RTS
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Ninja loot
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Get your gaming news from a print publication
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Replace the letter S with a dollar sign when writing Microsoft, Sony, or PlayStation
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Live in your parents' basement to support a gaming habit
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Break mice in a fit of rage after being served in an FPS game
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Try to win an argument in a gaming forum
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Pretend that movies like Doom and Tomb Raider are anything but crap
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Carry softcore anime porn on your PSP to show the guys at work
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Hadoken someone as a greeting, complete with hand motions and sound effects
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Play competitively against anyone under the age of 10
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Read or write fanfiction
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Yell or type, "Laggg" when losing an online game
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Bogart the controller
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Work at GameStop "just for the discount"
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Type liek JeffK
Got more to add to the list? Post it!
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)
Sense @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM
Amen to number 20.
I have 8 more years to break all these rules.
JPRacer @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM
30. Drive the wrong way in a racing game.
nyc @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM
I'm 26 and I think I'll still be doing some of those in 4 years. This list is kind of stupid. I shouldn't complain about lag when I'm 30 but it's ok when I'm 29? What?
Robert @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM
30? Come on... no one over 18 should be doing any of those. If you're old enough to join the army you're old enough to know better.
LunarDuality @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM
Wow, I disagree with about HALF of those. Maybe that's cuz I'm only 25... :P
But seriously , I can't fault a 30 year old for liking Mario games or choosing a female avatar (as long as it's not for said "Crying game" action). And saying that they should NOT refuse to play games that aren't M and then knock Mario seems like a contradiction. The ones that I agree with should be held up on younger gamers too because most of them are just rules to avoid being a a**hole in the gaming community (e.g. disconnecting, tea-bagging, etc) OR to avoid being a totally obvious geek (e.g. hadoken).
My deux centimes
Art Guy @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM
The lag one is the only thing I disagree with. But then I'm an equal opportunity complainer about lag, doesn't matter if I'm winning or losing, I'll type "laaaaggggyyy" anytime a good game comes to a crawl due to lag.
OTAM @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM
"6 Find the idea of teamkilling funny"
How can you NOT find the idea of teamkilling funny? I mean,it's fucking stupid to do it all the time but in 1 game out of 50 it's something to do to get a rise out of some people.
The reaction is priceless when in Halo your flagcarrier has the enemy flag about 10 feet from the capture point only to be run down by you going 80mph in the Warthog and having the enemy team touch and return the flag.
And teamkiling in Counterstrike? Those guys act like TKing is sacrilegious or something,priceless.
Jody Anthony @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM
#30, don't write dumbass lists.
Chris @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM
Numbers 8 and 10 seems to contradict one another?
8. Refuse to play games that are rated lower than mature
10. Play any game with Princess Toadstool in it
Any game with The Princess in it will be a guaranteed Everyone title (unless we get to unlock that Mario/Princess sex tape as one of the extra features).
I'm 26 (that's close enough to 30, right?) and can't wait to get hold of Super Princess Toadstool since it looks like such old-school platformer fun.
nk @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM
8. Refuse to play games that are rated lower than mature
Actually, I'd say that's a no-no after you've passed your 14th birthday.
lolzors @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM
The reactions on this from the under 30 crowd are priceless. "OMGWTFBBQ I HAVE TO STOP TEAMKILLING IN FOUR YEARS?!11!ELEVEN?!"
Vesper @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM
Play a demo version of a game (or new system) at Wal-Mart with a line of kiddies behind you.
Anthony @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM
The fact this list even exists means something - 5 years ago number one on the list would have just read Geat A Life! The fact that it's OK to be over 10 and play games is good news!
#16 must be an American thing, here in the UK we've got plenty of quality games mags Like Edge and GamesTM that you can get away with buying
Overall a pretty fun list
vc @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM
The Toadstool was thrown in there for debate. Hell, I was playing a game with Princess Toadstool in it just last night. =)
boneyard @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM
7. Choose an avatar of the opposite sex
stupid one, why wouldn't you do that? not everyone does this because of some sick, sad reason.
Vesper @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM
I have a feeling I'll be saving the Nintendo princesses for the rest of my life. They just don't know how to stay out of trouble.
Spencer @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM
Wow, I knew British spelling was odd, but "geat?"
The English language weeps at your abuse.
Chris Paladino @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM
Wow. Just an FYI to the powers that be, this was a very very unnecessary list of unfunny things.
-Chris
Jeremy Wright @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM
Only ones I'm still doing (I'm 26, but married with 2 kids and just finished writing my first 2 books... so I FEEL 30+) are:
6. Find the idea of teamkilling funny
7. Play a female character
26. "Laggg"
Reasons?
6. How can you not? I don't typically do this in competitive games, but with friends, where it becomes a TK-fest, it's great fun. If everyone else isn't having fun, though, it isn't much fun for me.
7. I don't do it to "upskirt her", so I guess I can get away with this? ... I'd just rather see a female ass shake hour after hour than a male one
26. Normally it's to let my teammates know why I'm underperforming.
Good times. Great list. Thankfully I haven't done much of this ever, even when I was 8 and playing cobra.
MosquitoControl @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM
I'll never stop playing games with Toadstool in it.
I'll also never take a post by OTAM seriously. Or bother reading it. Or assume his opinion bears any credibility.
tpp @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM
#12, rotfl. BUSTED! :(
Joe gamer @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM
Are you people retared? #26 says yell "lagg" when you are losing as an excuse, not when you are actaully complaining about lag.
And team killing is gay. it doesn't matter how old you are. especially when you are older it's even worse. Playing with 26yr olds who act like 12yr olds.
Feel free to respond to this with your stupid cyber speak or whatever the hell you call it. pwnedbbqlameasskids.
zero2dash @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM
-Participate in LAN parties with minors
LAN parties are great. I deal out ass kickings to minors and old schoolers alike.
-Quit your job to pursue a pro-gaming career
I did quit my job 8 years ago to play X-Men vs. Street Fighter (Saturn import) for the whole weekend the day it came out.
-Pirate games - shouldnt you have an income by now?
Try before you buy...renting's for suckers.
-Refuse to play games that are rated lower than mature
Mature rating does not equal good game.
Miyamoto + E for Everyone = good game
-Tea-bag a downed opponent in Halo 2
Funny. It'd be more funny watching someone stab your ass in the back while you're too busy doing the t-bagging.
-Play any game with Princess Toadstool in it
I will play any Mario Brothers or Mario Kart game as long as I can still hold a controller.
-Choose a gamer handle including any form of the words hell, killer, death, or -inator
Wow that's pretty dumb.
-Get your gaming news from a print publication
I have an EGM subscription so I can read gaming news...while I'm on the crapper; not too easy to bring a desktop PC + 21" monitor into the bathroom.
-Replace the letter S with a dollar sign when writing Microsoft, Sony, or PlayStation
I think it's funny when people do this.
-Live in your parents basement to support a gaming habit
I agree with this one.
-Try to win an argument in a gaming forum
Don't feed the trolls.
-Pretend that movies like Doom and Tomb Raider are anything but crap
WOW...agreed. Or anything that Uwe Boll has done.
-Play competitively against anyone under the age of 10
(Again) I hand out ass kickings to anyone, I don't care how old they are or whether or not they "cry" afterwards.
-Yell or type, Laggg when losing an online game
If you have lag then yell or type away; just don't expect sympathy if you're too cheap to pay $14 for SBC DSL to avoid having lag.
-Work at GameStop just for the discount
GameStop sucks. See also: EB Games.
***
I'm 27, I've played games since the 2600 and the Colecovision, and I will play games the rest of my life.
Kiser @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM
Haha - this story (and its comments are great) - definitely linking to it from my site, which gets only about 50 hits a day...hey it's SOMETHING.
I actually laughed out loud (since LOL is taboo at my age apparently...har har) at #23, just imagining some people around my cube at work doing this. Good stuff.
Older gamers/parents: check out the forum if you want to chat about the industry!
Kiser
Site Admin
Gamerparents.com
pheen @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM
Tea-bag a downed opponent in Halo 2?? Tea-bagging knows no age limit.
Mars Barrow @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM
These are hilarious. Some of you people need to realize that this list isn't meant to be taken so seriously. I, being 26 years old, and living in my Grandmother's attic and working at GameStop part time, am an offender of more than a couple of these, but still think it's hilarious--even if I'm not quite 30 yet. You all need to stop defending yourselves from "this and this because this is why!!" and start taking this list for what it is: COMEDY. Have a laugh, add something funny if you want and get back to your sweet, sweet gaming, no matter how old you are.
AnonyMoose @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM
Holy crap you people are dumb. This was a JOKE and you're taking it seriously.
Mars Barrow @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM
These are hilarious. Some of you people need to realize that this list isn't meant to be taken so seriously. I, being 26 years old, and living in my Grandmother's attic and working at GameStop part time, am an offender of more than a couple of these, but still think it's hilarious--even if I'm not quite 30 yet. You all need to stop defending yourselves from "this and this because this is why!!" and start taking this list for what it is: COMEDY. Have a laugh, add something funny if you want and get back to your sweet, sweet gaming, no matter how old you are.
Mars Barrow @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM
How about?:
#XX. Participate in any music game (DDR, Bongo, Karaoke) in public without being intoxicated.
p-diddy @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM
I agree with all of these except the "not playing games under M." Especially the TK'ing (and de-leveling on Team Slayer in Halo). Ruining the game for other people is a d*ck move, plain and simple.
-p-
ed_rush @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM
"12. Disconnect when losing at Starcraft or any other RTS"
actually this is the way to do it. if it's clear that someone lost, he should leave. anything else is kinda annoying!
SetupWeasel @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM
Addendum to #11: Unless it's called HellKillerDeathinator, that would be AWESOME!
nk @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM
p-diddy wrote:
"I agree with all of these except the "not playing games under M.""
What, you mean you refuse to play games with a rating under M? What are you, 12 years old?
robotplague @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM
Some of these are pretty lame while others got a half chuckle from me. The average gamer is a lot older then what we think, people.
kwonk @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM
wow, this list came out at the same time i just watched the trailer for grandma's boy over at the movie trailer page on the apple website. the movie's character is an employee of a game company who's 36yrs old. ai yi yi. funny trailer tho...
spick @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM
I only teabag my friends. Never with strangers.
scott @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM
i've been guilty of #7 for years, and i ain't stopping anytime soon...
nojok3 @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM
22 and 28 got a chuckle from me. Why? Because I have seen men over 30 do this lol...you would never believe all the conversations you hear in a Launch line
Spriggan @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM
I'm 31, and while I'll continue to play games with Princess Toadstool in them because they're good games (Super Princess Peach, Paper Mario 2, et al.), I did laugh at #13 and #18 because I have friends like this, and have seen people do #23 back when SF2's popularity was through the roof (strange to think that many internet users weren't even alive in 91).
ZeroCorpse @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM
I'm the oldster here, I guess. I'm 10 years older than the average poster here, and luckily most of this list doesn't apply to me despite my being beyond 30 years of age.
However, I take exception to the idea that working at GameStop is somehow childish. While it's not quite so high up the retail totem pole, it's certainly more sophisticated than 99% of the other places you can work in the mall. If you're over 30 and working at The Gap, I'd say you're far worse off than if you're over 30 and working at GameStop/EB.
I don't work at either (now) but I do work in the Best Buy media department, and I'm pretty happy with our discount. It's better than the crap discount they gave us at FuncoLand, and it applies to HDTVs. Much better.
On the other hand, even though I'm over 30, I can pass for under 25 easily, and I intend to remain youthful as long as I can. Why should I have to have kids and become some old curmudgeon just because I passed 30 years ago? Screw convention! I've got a spouse, I don't need kids, and I enjoy gaming!
I think this list is mostly for poo-heads who have kids and have to look like parents. Me? I'm never having kids. My theory is that kids KILL YOU slowly. So far, all my peers who have kids are looking old while I'm still able to pass for a recent high school graduate, if I want.
Don't need kids. I've got plenty of kid inside me.
Embassy @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM
man this list is all jokes..some of yall take it to the next level..just laugh/chuckle and move on...
Exidor @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM
#XX: Play on Xbox Live
GirlPlaya @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM
Fo realz, ya gots ta be pplayin teh chixxor avatarz. They gots the big thingies on their chests and loot h4wt!!! Man 'less ur ghey ya can work out that right arm for hours when the night elf chic dances.
g4bites @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM
zerocorpse!!!!!
too bad your parents didn't feel the same that you do, then we wouldn't have to listen to you rant about yourself that your still young at heart, we don't want to hear that crap, save it for your spouse, whoever he is
Geoffrey Sperl @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM
Guys... re-read #8. The point is that if you are over 30 you should have the maturity to play a game rated less than "M," not that you shouldn't play a game rated less than "M."
I take issue with #16, though: EGM is a good magazine, written for adult gamers (not that teens can't read it... but they may not understand all the references), and the editing is well done. Plus, for those of us over 30, Seanbaby's walk down memory lane stuff ("I Hate the 1984's") is hilarious.
miscblgoger @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM
this article is too funny! i really like #5: "Pirate games - shouldnt you have an income by now?"
logtar @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM
Hilarious
xenomorphic @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM
am with #38...But i beat you by 10 year's, i'am 42,
I have been playing since i saw a Pong game at our local swimming pool back in the 70's.
And will keep playing as long as i have the use of my finger's and hand's.
GraphicArtist2k5 @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM
Aww, well that pretty much screws my chances of enjoying video games, but then again, I don't go for all of this flashy bullshit that's in soooo many video games nowadays, because back in the day, which I believe was a Wednesday, we grew up playing the OLDEST of the old skool system: The Atari 2600, then as the years went on, we got the FIRST NES 8-bit system, and played that one even longer than we did the Atari 2600, simply because we HAD to save the freaking princess, as if our very lives were at stake. And after we got done doing that, we played Metroid for HOURS on end, trying not to get lost in that HUGE-AMONGOUS game, and when we got done with that, we popped in Tetris, and NO, I don't mean the NES version either, I'm talkin' about the Tengen version, the version that Nintendo MADE Tengen pull off of the shelves, because Tengen didn't actually have a license for that game. And after we got done playing that wonderful game for hours on end, we popped in the FIRST Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles game, and kicked Shredder's ass, of course using our trusty Game Genie to aid us in the quest, because we HAD to beat Shredder before it was time for us to eat dinner. Then, a little while longer, Sega came out with the Genesis system, which only made gaming that much better, and we continued enjoying ourselves, doing what we loved to do, and that was to play good, quality video games. Then Nintendo finally released their 16-bit system in America, and we LOVED them for it, because we FINALLY got to play that TOTALLY kickass Super Mario Bros. game that we had been seeing in our favorite video game magazines months before it EVER came out in the United States. And not only that, but we also FINALLY got to play a superior home version of THE classic fighting game, STREET FIGHTER II, and we went apeshit about that one, because before that time, we had to stand in line with our quarters, and get our asses kicked by the Asian kid who knew how to do Guile's handcuff glitch move. Show me ONE new system nowadays that can rival the experiences most of us have shared with the oldie but goodie video game systems we grew up with. I'd like to see ANY of these new systems beat ANY of the classic NES games, ANY of the classic Genesis games, or ANY of the classic Super NES games.
Don Key @ Dec 18th 2005 9:06PM
you forgot #30
make a gamertag with the numbers "420" in it