Uwe Boll scores Starcraft trilogy rights
by Vladimir Cole 
{ Apr 3rd 2006 at 8:01PM }
From the "news so icky it makes
you itch" department, Mike Mullen of AOL Games wrote to let us know that we'd somehow missed his
scoop on Uwe Boll's announcement that he'd managed to score rights
to direct (and ruin, probably) a trilogy of movies based on Blizzard's hit Starcraft series
of real-time strategy games.
No actors or actresses have been confirmed, according to AOL, though Boll does have a short list in mind. We're still having trouble believing that Blizzard would ever lend the Starcraft name to a guy known (and reviled) across all of gamedom, but then again, Blizzard parent company Vivendi is known to have quite an appetite for game-to-movie and movie-to-game adaptations. Bloody hell.
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
Mr badface @ Apr 3rd 2006 8:05PM
APRIL FOOLS
HAAAAAAA
the nazis used me as a code breaker doring WWI
Enigma @ Apr 3rd 2006 8:05PM
*listens as he hears millions of Starcraft fanboys cry out in pain*
PiNPOiNT @ Apr 3rd 2006 8:05PM
Nice try, i found your little hidden "April Fools" but seriously, its 3 days past. Give it up :)
renaldo @ Apr 3rd 2006 8:06PM
You twisted bastard.
ZenCarver @ Apr 3rd 2006 8:06PM
I don't think it's funny two days later...
soniccar @ Apr 3rd 2006 8:06PM
HA ha ha, I see the April fools typed in there, that's funny, but a little late don't you think. I wouldn't care anyway, I don't play Starcraft.
GOD @ Apr 3rd 2006 8:10PM
Scared me for a second... Daylight savings time is an hour a head, not two days back...
JohnnyM @ Apr 3rd 2006 8:11PM
Do you think your readers are that stupid?
Starcraft isnt even a trilogy yet and Blizzard wont give away rights to some 100th rate director to make it liveaction and if there was a movie made it would be CGI and inhouse by blizzard they have the talent
Martin @ Apr 3rd 2006 8:14PM
They want to charge a group of girls for putting Mario blocks up around the city, but they aren't planning on charging Joystiq for scaring a whole nation!!! What has the country come to?!
Greasy Butt @ Sep 3rd 2006 3:58AM
whatever #5, no matter when it's still humorous. and scheesh Uwe Boll is pretty gross looking
Uglypimp @ Apr 3rd 2006 8:17PM
I've got the script:
The Rock plays Siege Tank #15. As the intro credits fade The Rock is lined up with 25 other Siege Tanks. A foggy haze of war obstructs their view.
The Rock: It's quiet here. A little TOO quiet.
Siege Tank #14: I'm going to move out.
The Rock: Don't. We have our orders Siege Tank #14. You and the rest of the Siege Tanks and I need to wait.
[Camera pans out to a wide camera lens showing 40 Siege Tanks lined up in a Row]
Siege Tank #14: You hear that?
The Rock: [Shouting] EVERYBODY LOCK IN!
[The Siege Tanks engage their stabilizing metal feet, deeply entrenched into the ground]
[The camera then shifts focus over the shoulder of one of the tank cannons. A huge number of alien zerg can be seen rushing into the scene.]
The Rock: FIRE!
[All of the Siege Tanks fire at the alien zerg onslaught, but there are too many. Siege Tank #14 gets attacked by 15 zerglings and 10 Hydralisk]
Siege Tank #14: NOOOOO!!
The Rock: Siege Tank #14!
[Siege Tank #14 explodes in a fireball. Siege Tank's 1, 2, 4, 5, 8, 10, 11, 15, 18, 19, 20, 21, 25, 28, 29 and 30 all explode after even more Zerglings rush onto the scene]
The Rock: Everyone retreat!
[Camera fades to black. The next scene we see The Rock being repaired by a SCV unit with the few Siege Tanks that made it back to base with him.]
The Rock: The bunkers aren't going to hold much longer.
SCV UNIT: Hold still captain while I fix your...
[Abruptly a zergling jumps on the SCV unit and begins tearing it apart, followed by 123 other Zerglings and 50 Hydralisks, 25 Mutalisks and 4 Ultralisks]
The Rock: That's it. It's SIEGING TIME.
[The Rock's Siege Tank digs in with it's stabalizing metal feet, then begins to destroy all of the invading Zerg horde. When the dust clears, The Rock realizes he accidentally destroyed his own base by firing on Zergs that were attacking it.]
The Rock: Damn you Zergs! I will get you!!!
[Camera fades to black. A Starcraft 2: The Movie logo slowly scrolls onto the scene, followed by 'Revenge' underneath it.]
FIN.
rasterpix @ Apr 3rd 2006 8:25PM
Damn you!! Damn you to hell, Vladimir!!
I did realize that it was an April Fool's but only after screaming "WTF!". Btw, bit of a "time slip" duncha think? Evil Bastard.
LOL ^_^
Rare Hare @ Apr 3rd 2006 8:34PM
*clutches chest, gasps for air.. sees the bold print. deciphers. sets phaser to "beat in vlad's face"*
you almost had me there for a minute, you damn dirty blogger. i'm SO glad that was an april fool's joke.
and i think Uglypimp should get a star for his Starcraft movie script. it actually brought back memories and made me want to reinstall the game. now where the hell did i put that disc?..
Falkenad @ Apr 3rd 2006 8:39PM
If this were real I would pull a star wars style
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Jeremy Wright @ Apr 3rd 2006 8:40PM
The best April Fool's jokes happen before or after the day. So people don't expect it.
Good job mate. I, personally, was only surprised by the Trilogy bit ;-)
Jago @ Apr 3rd 2006 9:11PM
Looks like someone needs a calendar for the desk/wall...
MrP @ Apr 3rd 2006 9:14PM
Okay, this is just stupid. Sure enough, there was a code there, but extending the one day where you can't trust anything to THREE days just ain't kosher, y'jive?
Joe @ Apr 3rd 2006 9:15PM
April Fools is dumb on on April 1st...
Is this a week long holiday now?
Cale @ Apr 3rd 2006 9:19PM
LOLROFL!!
Seriously, the story was posted April 3rd. When will you guys @ Joystiq get over April Fools?
Man I hate the internet at the beginning of April.
shiftup @ Apr 3rd 2006 9:57PM
W3
Jon @ Apr 3rd 2006 10:13PM
ok all the other jokes were funny, but this time you went too far.
YOU HEAR ME JOYSTIQ!!.....YOUVE GONE TOO FAR!!
k im done
Colin @ Apr 3rd 2006 10:57PM
OMG For a moment there before I noted the coded "April Fools" I seriously felt ill...
Ben McKeown @ Apr 3rd 2006 10:59PM
Whew, I was about to start a riot. No more Uwe, please.
Arc @ Apr 3rd 2006 11:02PM
i swear to god...first i fight with my girlfriend and then i read this i was like...jeez the gods must hate me
i litterly nearly shat myself
thank GOD its not true
metaly @ Apr 3rd 2006 11:08PM
I might be alone on this, but as a siege tank enthusiast I'd totally go see a movie of stuff getting blown up by shock cannons. As long as there were plenty of hydraulic WHRRRR KACHUNK noises as they switched in and out of siege mode.
I guess I'll have to settle with maybe driving one around in StarCraft: Ghost.
OH WAIT
Nick @ Apr 3rd 2006 11:14PM
dont even kid like that. Scared me half to death.
mike @ Apr 3rd 2006 11:20PM
I also try to ignore everything I hear on april first. I cant believe a website would post april fools jokes (even if there is that obvious code in it) 2 days after april fools. Thats just dumb joystiq. I mean, you cant tell its a joke by reading only the headline, and that long enough to scare someone on a day thats not even april fools. I thought April fools was about putting super glue on your friends chair in class and the like. Nowadays stupid websites think its about posting false information. Keep up these jokes joystiq and see how many users you will have coming to your website. If I wanted false information, I would go read a comedy blog. Would you expect some1 like CNN to post false information days after April fools (or even on april fools for that matter). Grow up Joystiq (and hundreds of other gaming related websites.
Furthermore, A live action starcraft movie has already been made. It was called starship troopers and focused on the terren and Zerg races. They just had a different name for everything. I dont know which came out first or was concieved first, but either starcraft or starship troopers is a complete knock off of the other. But both the game and movie are great entertainment
Martin @ Apr 3rd 2006 11:56PM
Vlad, if I ever run into you on campus, I'll give you a hug. This was great.
Though it wouldn't surprise me if it ever did come true. My childhood memories have already been slaughtered enough. A crappy trilogy about a game I spent many hours on in high school probably wouldn't phase me.
Jago @ Apr 4th 2006 12:21AM
...someone is trying to kiss some ass...
>.>
kingmanor @ Apr 4th 2006 12:40AM
2 days late? WTF?
rfruit @ Apr 4th 2006 12:42AM
Mike - The movie "Starship Troopers" is based a Heinlein book written in 1959, so I think it's safe to say it precedes "Starcraft". The movie, despite your claims of being 'entertaining', bore little resemblance to it's source literature and was hailed by most critics as a cinematic trainwreck. Interestingly, I believe there are a few volumes of literature surrounding the "Starcraft" universe, none of which I have read, but I think it's safe to assume they're not literary gold.
wAyNe @ Apr 4th 2006 12:51AM
Starship Troopers is based off of the novel of the same name. It was written by Robert A. Heinlein and published in 1959.
Furthermore, Starship Troopers the movie came out in 1997. The year BEFORE Starcraft if I'm not mistaken.
Kedward @ Apr 4th 2006 3:52AM
Just so you know, if somebody pulls an April Fool's Trick after 12pm (mid-day) on April 1, then the person pulling the trick is actually considered the fool...
It's bad enough when the Internet does lame ones on the day. You do realise that pulling a bad one 2 days after the event is even worse don't you? Shame on you, Joystiq fools.
ByeLaw @ Apr 4th 2006 4:24AM
"April Fools Day" has traditionally been on April 1st, not the 3rd or any other day. Also, in my country you have to do the joke before midday, otherwise your branded an "Idiot"... ah well.
Check http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/April_Fool's_Day and update your calendar.
Gareth @ Apr 4th 2006 4:46AM
"the nazis used me as a code breaker doring WWI"
The Nazis didn't exist during WWI.
Dan Choi @ Apr 4th 2006 5:36AM
Yes, Uglypimp's ode to siege tanks was music to my ears. Just don't let Uwe Boll make it, and it should turn out all right. ;)
Micheal from AOL Games @ Apr 4th 2006 11:03AM
Sure it was late but I did have it on the AOL Games site on April Fools. Vladimir missed it (must have been that bottle of Hypnotiq I FedEx-ed to him.) Thanks Vlad, please direct all flames to my email addy.
Still, when you thought that Uwe Boll was doing a StarCraft Trilogy movie, your bowels got all tense and that never used letter opener hidden under all the CDs on your desk appeared to be a proper life-ending device (my letter opener is a Myth promo knife.)
My other stories "Madden 06 Nude Patch," "Konami's DDR with the Stars," and "Nick Lachey's WoW addiction cited in divorce" stories (ref: http://videogames.aol.com/news) were pretty funny too. Sadly, my favorite one of the bunch got cut and I couldn't torture the lawyers like I used to at GameSpot with "PS Not Y2K," "StarCraft Adventures Announced" or "Lara Croft's Breasts Deemed Shippable Bug."
Wait until next year. :)
Pepi? @ Apr 4th 2006 1:44PM
AOL says:
"April Fools Alert: Have no fear. Hopefully Blizzard keeps Uwe's dull ginsu skills for making bad game movies away from a great game storyline. This story is totally fictitious. Have a nice day. Talk about this story or others in our message boards."
That's not serious, Joystiq. You have fail me.
Max @ Apr 4th 2006 4:02PM
wow, that was worse than what Orsen Wells did with War of the Worlds!
John Molina @ Apr 4th 2006 11:07PM
That anyone believed it to begin with (or even cared) is beyond me. Since when was Joystiq a news site, anyway? Dupes. You really are all fools.
And thank you, Vlad, king of them all.
Game Squirrel @ Apr 5th 2006 8:44AM
Even though this is BS, it still has caused enough emotional stress that I will be sick for weeks. Cruel joke to say that this idiot has given yet another opportunity to prove video games make lousy movies. He must be stopped!!