Now's your chance to throw down with Uwe

by Christopher Grant { Jun 13th 2006 at 1:00PM }

Truth is indeed stranger than fiction, unless that fiction is the work of German film-butcher Uwe Boll, in which case its ability to destroy brain cells while melting your ocular receptors is pretty darn strange in and of itself. Otherwise, truth is stranger. Like when Sir Uwe released a press statement urging his critics to "put up or shut up!" Seriously.

If you published at least two negative reviews of any of Uwe's films before 2006, either online or in print, submit proof to info@boll-kg.de and (if yours were especially mean) you could be selected as one of five lucky winners to throw down with Uwe in a 10-bout match. There are some caveats: you can't have two X chromosomes (sorry ladies); you have to be between 140 and 190 pounds (sorry skinny kung-fu guys); you can't ask for money (sorry opportunists). All you get is a hotel room in Vancouver and the possible lifelong satisfaction of knowing that the entire gaming community was living through you, vicariously, while you pounded on Uwe.

Tags: Movies, Postal, Uwe Boll, UweBoll

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

GunForHire @ Jun 13th 2006 1:08PM

Yes! We've all wanted to see it for so long and now it could finally happen. I hope someone kicks his ass, real good.

Prof-KOS @ Jun 13th 2006 1:12PM

Holy crap. I can't wait to see the internet video of this because you know the edited versions that make it into the film won't be worth the price of admission (or having to sit through the rest of the film).

Jouten Za @ Jun 13th 2006 1:13PM

What a great incentive to lose weight!

jaemz @ Jun 13th 2006 1:14PM

He said the videos for these fights would be available on the internet... personally, I am not interested in watching another video with poor lighting, bad angles and aweful editing.

I wonder if Joystiq posts count towards this contest... if so I can easily muster up another bad review or two.

Stu @ Jun 13th 2006 1:14PM

uh, unless you have two dads, it isn't possible to have 2 x chromosomes.

Stu @ Jun 13th 2006 1:19PM

sorry, my bad. I meant 2 y chromosomes. I guess it's obvious I'm no geneticist.

JodyAnthony @ Jun 13th 2006 1:21PM

Stu,

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/XY_sex-determination_system

Eric @ Jun 13th 2006 1:27PM

I think it would be an insult to anyone that had to sit through his films too not see him get his ass kicked.

I hope some movie critic out there under 190lbs breaks people's faces as a hobby. I wouldn't want to see some puny 140lb awkward nerd go in thinking he's going to own, only to get killed by Uwe.

Soon Hui Vchai @ Jun 13th 2006 1:34PM

The sad fact is that regardless of whether he wins or loses, the films are will be no better or worse.

J B Cougar @ Jun 13th 2006 1:52PM

Don't worry Uwe. If I ever happen to see one of your films, on accident or on purpose, I'll gladly kick my own ass.

James @ Jun 13th 2006 1:57PM

If the readers of Joystiq nation can put together our resources, we can make this worthwhile.

We can hire whichever flash-in-the-pan middle-weight WBC Champion boxer (with the sum of money that Joystiq readers donate, of course) to fabricate a couple of movie reviews for a false news outlet.

Submit said articles.

Enjoy.

johnnyspliff @ Jun 13th 2006 2:19PM

You forgot one thing guys. Reviews released in 2006 do not count. Only ones from 2005 - ie. pre Bloodrayne.

doubtful @ Jun 13th 2006 2:25PM

Well, I'm glad Uwe found a mature way of dealing with his ingrained inability to produce a decent movie. In fact, I'm guessing a clip of him getting his ass handed to him would be the most viewed Uwe Boll movie of all time.

Someone should let him know the stopwatch is at 14:59, his 15 minutes are nearly up.

Gonzo @ Jun 13th 2006 2:29PM

I'm under 140 (yea I'm one of those "skinny kung-fu guys") but I'll still kick his a$$. My wife could too, she's trained with me and can be real vicious on the mat.
I will not tolerate this discrimination. You hear me Uwe, I'm coming for you. Bad movies are one thing, but this is the last straw.

Mark D. @ Jun 13th 2006 2:40PM

Ya, I used to say stuff like that...and then I grew up.

Seriously, these kinds of "threats" are playground material.

martin @ Jun 13th 2006 3:00PM

I wonder if there will be as much blood as the montauge (sp) at the end of bloodrayne.

Johnny Betts @ Jun 13th 2006 3:22PM

I currently weigh 195 lbs, but I'm sure I could find a way to lose the necessary five pounds. I'd especially love for him to make it no-holds barred since I've trained in both kickboxing and Brazilian jiu jitsu.

This is definitely worthy of strong consideration...

voice of reason @ Jun 13th 2006 3:24PM

@ stu

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/XYY

Donald @ Jun 13th 2006 4:15PM

I'd love to see the person who gets this match nail Boll in the nads a few times, then do a little UFC ground-and-pound until his eyes fall out of his head.

Because after watching House of the Dead, I wanted to gouge my own eyes out and felt like I had been kicked in the pills with a steel-toed boot.

demonjester @ Jun 13th 2006 4:48PM

i think that this wiil be the greatest thing in history. I would actually pay to see uwe boll get beat up. I have watch every (what he calls) movie unfortunatly created by boll. You know its a bad movie when the most exciting part was the main characters boobs (bloodrayne).

DMON @ Jun 13th 2006 7:37PM

Thats fucking awesome.

one man @ Jun 13th 2006 9:33PM

Cool idea but I wonder how many movie critics are under 190 and are in any shape to fight? Just my thoughts but the ones I have seen on tv and in print seem to be either over weight or not too athletic. I guess it's from spending all that time watching movies and then writing about them. Also the only one of his movies I liked was Bloodrayne but I loved the games so I guess I am a little bias.

Brad Lee @ Jun 14th 2006 1:29AM

I saw Bloodrayne and I believe it is the worst movie I have ever seen, ever, or will ever see in my life, unless I make it a point to try and top Bloodrayne, but it would be very hard. And that's saying something, cuz I've seen Dungeons and Dragons (GOD that movie was terrible, but not Bloodrayne terrible).

I checked on IMDB and only 4 out of the 12 movies he had any part in making had an average score above 5/10. Thats just sad. And whats worse is none of them were over 6. And he made a movie that was actually rated lower than Bloodrayne.

Seriously, how can this guy still be making movies? After something like Bloodrayne, he should be banned from the movie industry for the rest of his days.

I don't know if hes between the weight limits or not, but I'd love to see Ebert smack him around. Sure hes a bit old and hes one of those 'intellectual' types, but all he would need to do is watch Bloodrayne and I'm sure he'd find enough rage to pulverize that guy.

Smack042 @ Jun 14th 2006 2:34AM

Oh man! Id LOVE to see Quinten Tarantino beat the bejezzus out of Uwe. Then he could take the same footage that Uwe is going to use and make a good movie out of it! HA! 2 for 1!

Styki @ Jun 14th 2006 3:02AM

somehow I have the feeling this guy may gain some sort of cult following a few years down the road. I mean, if you make enough movies that are so bad.....it eventually attracts some sort of counter culture following. just look at john waters and his movies or even the Rocky Horror Picture Show. John Romero movies too. Maybe I'm way off but stranger things have happened.

Ectarth @ Jun 14th 2006 4:19AM

I think Tyson branded "Alone in the Dark" as "poo" and "Bloodrayne" as "poo-poo".

Ianc02 @ Jun 14th 2006 7:20AM

Having seen two of his (loose terminology) movies i agree this is a good idea. I would forgive Uwe if he could somehow compensate me for the few hours of my life that i lost watching those films knowing i can never get them back. Bastard. Oh yeah, alone in the dark and house of the dead FYI, oh shit.

Dan @ Jun 14th 2006 10:47AM

Win or lose, Uwe, your movies still suck.

KwadDamyj @ Jun 14th 2006 1:25PM

@ Styki - Do you mean George Romero movies? John Romero is the guy who worked on Quake I and the DooM games with iD Software.

As for the article, wow. Just...Wow.

Sam Goldman @ Jun 14th 2006 1:32PM

I'm taking Ebert in the sixth by TKO.

Clanggedin @ Jun 14th 2006 3:17PM

Is this a boxing or an MMA match? I remember Steven Segal making a challenge like this a number of years ago for $1 million dollars, but when people with real skillz accepted his challenge, he was no where in sight and couldn't be reached for comment.

We need to submit some images of BJ Penn, Jens Pulver and others to him and see if he crawls back into his hole.