Uwe "I make crappy game movies" Boll silences his first critic
by Vladimir Cole 
{ Sep 6th 2006 at 7:55PM }
Uwe Boll (the man responsible for making a mockery of video game movies -- all three of his video game movies appear on IMDB's Bottom 100 list) finally managed to silence one of his critics yesterday. He didn't do it by making a movie worth squat, but by applying his fists to the mouth of Carlos Palencia Jimenez-Arguello, webmaster of Cine Cutre.
Despite his inability to satisfy film critics (or perhaps because of it) Boll's no idiot. First, he knows how to box. Second, he's selected a bunch of pudgy web geeks (not unlike yours truly) to face him in the ring. Of course he's going to win.
At least Boll's good at something.
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
udx @ Sep 6th 2006 8:00PM
I promise I won't make fun of your movies again. PLEASE DON'T BREAK MY NOSE. XP
LaughingTarget @ Sep 6th 2006 8:04PM
Bah, boxing is a wimp's sport anyway. MMA is where the fun is at. No retarded rules like "no clinching and no kicking" there.
Still, if THAT fight gets put into Boll's next movie, it is guaranteed that it is going to be bad. That was one boring and one sided fight.
me @ Sep 6th 2006 8:08PM
ditto on the MMA. the weakest fighters in mixed martial arts--pride, f1, ufc--could beat the best in boxing any day
Kestrel @ Sep 6th 2006 8:08PM
Boll still fails at life though.
Probot @ Sep 6th 2006 8:13PM
Who didn't expect this? I knew from the first accepted challenge that this was gonna happen.
It's great publicity though. I bet this videos get more viewers than his last three films combined.
It doesn't make him a better director, but it does give him attention and that'll get him more movie licenses.
cringer8 @ Sep 6th 2006 8:14PM
Man...he gave up? What did he expect when he accepted the challenge? "I'll just walk up to him, punch him in the face and he'll fall down. Then a bunch of bikini babes will ask me for my hotel room number so we do stuff to each other later. Sweet."
I did find it funny when he tried to protect his abdomen by turning and raising his knee. I thought only girls did that. You learn something new every day.
DarkLink117 @ Sep 6th 2006 8:25PM
it wasn't really all that exciting
AoE @ Sep 6th 2006 8:23PM
"It doesn't make him a better director, but it does give him attention and that'll get him more movie licenses."
We'll see.... Germany's closing the tax loophole that has allowed Boll and his investors to profit from movies that do nothing but lose money. Once that happens, I doubt he'll be half as attractive to investors as he has been.
Tom Watson @ Sep 6th 2006 8:30PM
Isnt this a bit pathetic?
Its obvious that Mr. Boll is a fairly proficient boxer so this wasnt ever going to be fair. Its like he cant make movies but he can just about box so that proves hes better than these people at SOMETHING!
Clutching at straws Uwe!
R.U.Sirius @ Sep 6th 2006 8:42PM
God, think I start beginning to like Uwe Boll. And that's not cause he's a fellow german, rofl.
-R.U.Sirius
Tom @ Sep 6th 2006 8:37PM
Omg the guy Boll was fighting is pathetic. Seriously most kids fighting on a playground are better than him. Seriously was he bribed or is he actually the sterotypical geek? I didn't think someone could be that bad at boxing but now I know better. I mean he turns his back and when he punches he looks like he is scared to hurt his hand.
Probot @ Sep 6th 2006 8:39PM
AoE,
Germany is closing that loophole, but it exists in most countries. Usually one country alone isn't enough to foot the whole bill, so the rights are sold to multiple countries.
And it's not just Boll or bad directors that do this. It's how the movie industry profits on big budget movies. You really think New Line was going to risk millions on Lord of the Rings? "New Line covered almost the entire cost by using German tax shelters, New Zealand subsidies, and pre-sales."
Source, April 2005 edition of Slate: http://www.slate.com/id/2117309/
For the Boll specific part of the German tax law, and how it won't actually effect him, read the Gamespot Rumor Control article from November 2005.
http://www.gamespot.com/news/show_blog_entry.php?topic_id=23902576
Hannah @ Sep 6th 2006 8:42PM
Hmm, it'll be interesting to see how that compares to the main event in Vancouver. Uwe seems to want as many local people as possible to show up, so as a Vancouverite, I fully intend to go. I'll be cheering for Uwe, I think, but the Lowtax fight is going to be awesome no matter who wins.
Nmaster @ Sep 6th 2006 8:42PM
Wow, this guy needs to grow some balls before he challenges someone to a boxing match. He barely threw punches, and he looked like a wimp defending Uwe...
I swear, get a Joystiqer in there and we'd go wailing on Boll's face with no mercy...
lol, at one point Uwe actually just straight up trips the guy. He TRIPS someone in a boxing match. WTF?
bill pullman @ Sep 6th 2006 9:19PM
"I swear, get a Joystiqer in there and we'd go wailing on Boll's face with no mercy..."
i don't know; i mean, while it was funny watching that sissy guy get hit, i don't think there's very many people here who would've done much better, save for another amateur (or professional) boxer. it's one thing to talk about kickin' the dudes butt in the ring, but it's another entirely when you're standing toe-to-toe with him and he's already had some experience.
i'll give the doofy guy credit for one thing, though: he actually got in the ring. that takes some balls, right there, even if they're small and wimpy.
emceay @ Sep 6th 2006 9:23PM
Amazing, Carlos Palencia Jimenez-Arguello has the eye of the tiger f'sure. He'd fare well in prison with that "just get it over" pose he does just before he gives up.
Southpaw, and convictionless punches. Something tells me this man has never fought.
In any case, the laughter in the background speaks volumes on his prowess.
William @ Sep 6th 2006 9:26PM
Gotta love how so many people talk shit sayin "oh snap I can woop bowls face into mashed potatoes g funk" when if they actually tried they'd probably get creamed.
subnet6 @ Sep 6th 2006 9:50PM
I have some boxing experience, and let me say, Boll was VERY kind to this guy. He only threw about 5 real punches the entire fight when he could have easily landed dozens. And he didn't trip Carlos, Carlos was fleeing like a whipped puppy and he stumbled on Bolls widened stance. Its a good thing too because when you lead with a wide step left its usually followed by a big right cross. If he hadn't stumbled, he likely would have tasted canvas anyway. While I'm no fan of Uwe, I do watch his movies because they are game related. Even though they are not so good, the metephor is extended into real world and it works. For years, these so-called movie experts (often not more than bloggers or webmasters) have used Uwe as a soft target; a "punching bag" so to speak. Well, now the tables are turned and somehow it just feels right.
Way to go Uwe! Pound a few more of these pompous asses. You get em boy!
csc @ Sep 6th 2006 10:02PM
Lets face it, Boll isnt an idiot, he only gets into fights he can win no matter what reputation he gains from them.
Like his films, the loopholes he exloits allows him to turn profits despite his inept skill at filmmaking.
Uwe Boll is what you get from cultures that says 'if you put your mind to it you can achieve anything' He did everything he could to get into filmmaking, and did it, the problem is he sucks at it.
but no one ever says 'If you put your mind to it, you can acieve anything, unless you suck from the start'
Nick @ Sep 16th 2006 12:54AM
I knew from the get go that he was going to knock out at least one of these guys. The guy picks boxing and challenges critics who are good at sitting and complaigning about his kruddy movies. It's like if I were to challenge my mom at Halo. He's not stupid enough to challenge people at something he sucks at. If he said make a movie better than mine... to the DEATH! He would have lost hands down. I hope the others actually took some serious training...I'm looking at you Lowtax. Seriously, make him pay for Bloodrayne.
Claudius @ Sep 6th 2006 10:16PM
I don't understand how some gamers can act in such a nonsensical way. Boll's movies suck. The guy fighting him not only does him a favor by providing a free puppet for his megalomaniac ambitions, but also ridicules himself and, by extension, gamers who complain about Boll's movies.
If gaming in general is to be seen in a serious way, serious enough as to handle the problems Jack Thompson and the like have brought, gamers in the public eye should behave as men of their own age.
Or maybe someone should hire a real boxer and put an end to all this.
HotShotX @ Sep 6th 2006 10:26PM
This sucked. Whoever that reviewer was, he should've thought twice when it came to REPRESENTING THE GAMING COMMUNITY IN A PHYSICAL FIGHT.
I will admit though, that in watching this, is probably the most of Boll's work I've seen without throwing up.
~HotShotX
John H. @ Sep 6th 2006 11:01PM
Yeah, this sure proves Boll's movies don't suck. -rolls eyes-
Lone Starr @ Sep 6th 2006 11:50PM
@ Laughing Target
"Bah, boxing is a wimp's sport anyway."
I bet you excel at boxing, no?
MAXIMUS VI @ Sep 7th 2006 9:55AM
Wow, the guy fighting Uwe fights like a girl and is afraid to take a punch with a head guard on :| . If I stepped into the ring with Uwe, I would go crazy on him and he'd be down and out before you know it. Seems like his opponent wasn't taking it as seriously.
Alkaiser @ Sep 7th 2006 3:44AM
I have to hand it to Uwe. He really took it easy on the guy...wasn't he the one that made that stupid "Kill Boll" movie? There are points where the guy completely turns away from Boll. Usually, the aftermath of that, is that you wake-up in the locker room.
It's hard to tell if the pudgy guy is tired of getting hit, or tired from of 8 minutes of sustained movement.
Maybe it's just because I have a bit of pride, or maybe it's common sense, but I'd think that you'd want to at least practice sparring a bit before you fought a crazy German guy with some boxing experience.
I hope this sends a message to all the "fighters" in Vancouver. At least go out in a blaze of glory. No more boring 8 minute videos of Girl Flailing Wildly.
Kendall @ Sep 7th 2006 4:24AM
I don't know what video you guys were watching, but Uwe Boll certainly didn't look "proficient" as a boxer.
Any decently healthy guy (read: not on a diet consisting of pizza and soda) with a quick 20 minute rundown of boxing technique would have handed him his ass.
James Francis @ Sep 7th 2006 5:30AM
What does it say about a director who has to beat up his critics to gain any sort of respect whatsoever? Besides, it appears everyone involved forgot the rules of dueling: the challenger doesn't get to choose the weapons.
Jason @ Sep 7th 2006 8:06AM
$50 says Richard "Lowtax" Kyanka beats Boll in the second round.
BMWM3P @ Sep 7th 2006 9:00AM
You can see that most of the geeks that post here don't know shit about fighting. MMA is for non talent wannabe boxers who weren't good enough to make it in the ring. Boxing is an artform, mma is just a dumb sport made up by white boys who were tired of getting their ass kicked in boxing.
Anyway that bitch with the long hair is a disgrace, I would rather get my ass knocked out than to look like that bitch. The best mma fighter would get his ass knocked out against any top contender in boxing.
Laughing Target I would love to get you in the ring to show you how much of a wimp sport boxing really is.
LaughingTarget @ Sep 7th 2006 9:04AM
Lone Starr -
Nah, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. Boxers can't do much when you've got them in guard. Could do fancy stuff like arm bars or triangle holds, but the good old "ground and pound" is more than effective against an opponent who can't do anything but throw punches whilst standing up.
Boxing is a wimps sport because they never have to once worry about grapples, throws, or defending anything below the belt (kicks and trips). The style of boxing greatly reduces the required points of defense to the head and center of mass, allowing the undefended other areas and elimination of thinking of defense against multiple tactics. You know the style of attack, you have a good idea where it is going to be aimed, so there is little to consider in an overall defense.
Being a competetive boxer does a disservice in real-world self-defense situations. Most real fights end up in grappling positions, and having a strong mastery of how to maneuver in a grapple, how to attack in it, and how to get out are important. Most boxers simply don't understand those subtleties given they think a fight is nothing more than two guys punching at each other.
Ya, I'd like to get into a ring with Boll, but not if there were a host of rules of what I can't do, like no elbows, using these retarded huge padded gloves that eliminate my chances of getting a good grip. I'd just take him to the ground and he'd have no friggin' clue what to do from there. The only rules needed in a good spectator fight are no eye gouging or throat strikes. Everything else should go.
Breachless @ Sep 7th 2006 9:26AM
OK, I am sorry, but this goes out to the fella' that is trying to say that boxing is an artform, and that MMA is for talentless hacks...
While I can appreciate boxing for what it is just as much as the next guy, you boxers are the quickest and easiest fights because you have no skills, as LT said, beyond defending yourself above the belt. You don't know what to do when someone throws a kick at you, you wince in pain when you get a real NON-padded fist to the face, and you would probably cry if you felt your bare fist crash into someone else without those big sissy padded gloves. Furthermore, you have no fighting technique that can be applied to a real-life fight. Boxing these days is for all the hacks that can't make it in any REAL fighting sport because they are afraid, or simply not tough enough to handle themselves in a real fight. Period.
Also, your derogatory comment about "white boys tired of getting their ass kicked" was a nice touch: way to sound stupid AND ignorant...
subnet6 @ Sep 7th 2006 9:36AM
@Laughing Target,
While I don't disagree with you, you are making an invalid comparison. What you are saying is akin to saying, "my football team could beat your baseball team because baseball is for wimps".
Football and baseball are completely different sports with different rules and objectives which their respective competitors train specifically for. Likewise boxing and Jiu Jitsu are completely different sports. Each with differing rules and objectives. My guess is that if any Jiu Jitsu expert had to put on boxing gloves and adhere to boxings rules, they would get their ass handed to them. Likewise a boxer would get his ass handed to him if he were forced to participate in Jiu Jitsu. The point isn't to be "toughest" in either sport. The point is to excel at that particular sport. While one lends itself more to freestyle combat than the other means nothing. Boxers train to BOX. They train based on the rules of boxing. If they were not boxing in a prize fight they wouldn't train based on these rules and I'm sure they would fight much differently. If you are willing to have a rule such as "no eye gouging or throat stikes", then you must admit rules in a spectator fight may serve a purpose. One also must admit that if you have rules of any kind, you have officially entered the world of sport and officially left the world of actual human combat solely based on defeating your opponent. Once you admit that, then the rules in boxing are really just a matter of degrees but with the same premise. These "my fighting style could whip your fighting style" conversations pop up regularly whenever a post like this is made and they simply make everyone involved sound silly. But hey, my ninja could whip your pirate! :)
derk @ Sep 7th 2006 10:10AM
Come on guys boxing isnt a wimpy fighting style, it has a place like all other fighting styles. I've studied MMA even before it was called MMA. Way before Ultimate fighting we had Jeet Kun Do and that incorporated a number of martial arts boxing was of the many styles used in JKD. the school I attended didnt teach JKD but we covered thai boxing, kali, white crane kung fu, wing chun, western boxing and wresting.
elnico @ Sep 7th 2006 10:12AM
as someone with boxing experience, i could tell mr. boll went really really easy on the guy. i hate mr. boll's movies but i think i hate these gamers more. did they think they can just pick up the sport and beat mr. boll? all they really did was perpetuate the stereotype of gamers as people lacking ability in sports.
to all those bashing boxing, I have experience in boxing, thai boxing and some bjj. I take it you either never tried the sport or are part of a martial arts cult. Barring certain kicks thai boxing and TKD, I know for a fact that a boxer can take a lot of the kicks other martial arts might throw. What boxing might lack in kicks, it compensates in the power of a punch . If you understand the physics of a punch, the power of a punch comes from planting the legs firmly on a ground. Other martial arts do not advise planting the legs and their punches do have the power of a boxer's punch. I suggest you watch fight science. The highest recorded punch among all the fighters gathered came from a boxer.
Also, the glvoes that a boxer wears is more for the protection of the fist rather than the protection of an opponent. As someone who unfortunately got jumped in college by three guys, I can say that getting punched by an experience boxer in the face with glvoes hurt a lot more than a non-boxer's unprotectef fist.
Finally, you need to understand that it's the right fighter at the right minute not the art. Whether a boxer or a mma fighter win on the street is a matter of who trained more and who got lucky at the right second. The boxer can nail the mma fighter at just the right moment while the mma fighter was trying to do a takedown and end the fight, or the mma fighter can just barely avoid the punch and succeed in the takedown.
Lone Starr @ Sep 7th 2006 10:55AM
@ LaughingTarget
Well subnet put it quite nicely, but, you're comparing two different things. I agree with you about all the grapple stuff for the most part. However, just because boxers don't have to contend with grappling does not mean that they have to be any less skillful. In fact, it would seem that having to concentrate strictly on the aspects of boxing would force them to address tactics that other fighters (who have more options in different arenas) do not.
OtakuCODE @ Sep 7th 2006 11:07AM
Thugs shouldn't make movies.
And Boll just proved, he's a brainless thug. As if we didn't know that from his cinematic abortions already.
zer06ame @ Sep 8th 2006 12:12AM
While I agree that a boxer would get their ass handed to them in a MMA fight, I also believe like subnet6, that a MMA fighter would most likely get the same done to them in a boxing match. They're two completely different sports, and training is pretty different for each. I'm friends with a pro-boxer (lightweight division) and let me tell you, if you think boxers are pussies you're just dumb. His 7th professional fight he broke his right hand from throwing too hard of a punch in the 1st round and he finished the fight with a tie. You gotta have some balls to keep going like that. Btw, he's currently undefeated (8-1-0).
Dan @ Sep 7th 2006 12:59PM
You can beat up hundreds internet geeks, Uwe. You're still a terrible director.
Djimbe @ Sep 11th 2006 6:25AM
@ Elcino :
You have NO IDEA what youre talking about if youre using "Fight Science" as "Proof" of ANYTHING . The Boxer was the Heaviest guy on the show by FIFTY POUNDS , and the only one NOT told to do some Esoteric Strike . The "Science" was AWFUL in that show , they use a FORMS CHAMPION to Represent "Kung Fu" and "Karate" (there are five MAJOR houses of Karate and "Kung Fu" means ALL CHINESE MARTIAL ARET - thats over a THOUSAND systems) Not to MENTION that the two Breaking Powerhouses were from Karate , and they werent allowed to throw THEIR Punches . Why ? Because that Show was designed to show Videogame Logic . (Boxers only Punch , so their strikes MUST be the hardest , right ?) WRONG . The Elbows from both Breakers (Karateka) blew the boxers punch AWAY , but they diodnt count that even though they counted the MT guys Knee . The "Kung Fu" guy was this 5'2" FORMS guy , and they have Unbdefeated and CHAMPIONCSHIP Fighters from MMA styles . Where was Cung Le to throw KF Kicks ? HE is the world San Shou champion , no ? Where was World Breaking CHampion Albert Mady to represent Karate ? What about the Breaking Champs they had there ? EVERYTHIGN that the "Kung Fu Guy" was asked to do was retarded . Flying Drop Kicks ? THey didnt even measure similar Stikes , Similar Sized ppl throwing them , NOTHING was "Scientific" about that show . THey wanted to show Steryotypes , and they suicceeded .
leetdood @ Sep 8th 2006 7:19PM
Uwe doesn't want to prove that his movie doesn't suck. He's probably just sick of critics beating on his movies, so he beats the shit out of them. I don't know about the other 4 guys though. It's possible that they could win, but Boll seems pretty good, and yes, he does go VERY easy on the guy.
Hunter @ Sep 14th 2006 2:10PM
Lowtax is a god damn wimpy lamer. He will get creamed. Apart from running a lame website which is no better than Uwe Bolle's lame movies, he married a chinese girl simply because he knocked her up and didn't want to pay child support forever. LOL.