Gizmondo's Colors uses prison sex as game mechanic
by Alexander Sliwinski 
{ Sep 18th 2006 at 12:00PM }
We haven't had Gizmondo news in forever! In the last episode of the defunct handheld's now epic saga, Stefan Eriksson, the former CEO who was ousted after it was discovered he had committed fraud in the '90s, totaled his million dollar Ferrari Enzo.
The guys at Lost Levels got their hands, by nefarious means we presume, on a never-released title for the console and now have an "exclusive" review of the Gizmondo's would be killer-app, Colors. Although slightly embellished, Lost Levels' Frank Cifaldi swears that the game, and the soon to be mentioned game mechanic, are absolutely true.
Colors looks like your standard GTA knock-off, except when you get arrested by the cops, you'll be sent to jail. After talking to a few people in the cell, a tattooed bear named James Earl Wyatt will help you get out of jail -- for a special fee that won't cost you a dime! All the player has to do is agree to be (choosing words carefully) willingly violated in the backside of the moon region to the point that it will cause enough damage that your character will wake up in the hospital.
Well, it is a much easier method to get out of jail than what the guys on Prisonbreak had to go through!
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)
Wild Homes @ Sep 18th 2006 12:11PM
Jack Thompson will see this, and bleed tears that he never got the chance to turn 'Colors' into a rallying cry.
Skid @ Sep 18th 2006 12:14PM
nice..... it would have been interesting to see reactions to this game had it been released
raphael @ Sep 18th 2006 3:50PM
I would've bought a Gizmondo for sure.
Negativecool @ Sep 18th 2006 12:23PM
Wild Homes-
Jack Thompson takes murder cases related to videogames. I think this would prompt Jacko to start blaming rape on video games too. "Damn rape simulators! They are teaching our young children to be godless sodomites! This game is teaching your child to take it in the rear so hard it bleeds!"
Marty @ Sep 18th 2006 12:23PM
that image would be great for your Dead Rising Contest!!!
Scythe @ Sep 18th 2006 12:24PM
It's coming out for the Wii, look at them graphics and the Wii controller will help you get maximum thrust action. LOL that would be funny...
32_Footsteps @ Sep 18th 2006 12:26PM
I dunno... sounds like someone was trying to take the Scared Straight campaign to a brutally vivid new level.
Laura @ Sep 18th 2006 12:32PM
Wow, I didn't know soap in prison was used for that.
Chris @ Sep 18th 2006 12:52PM
Yes, Scythe. That would be verry funny, now, wouldn't it?
copa @ Sep 18th 2006 12:57PM
Connect the dots, Joystiq! That 'James Earl Wyatt' character is actually... DIETRICH!
scott @ Sep 18th 2006 4:36PM
Prison Break is to Oz as Queer Eye for the Straight Guy is to ... Oz.
J B Cougar @ Sep 18th 2006 1:17PM
Ironic. I've also heard this is what handing over $600 for a PS3 feels like.
christopher7xii @ Sep 18th 2006 2:08PM
"Ironic. I've also heard this is what handing over $600 for a PS3 feels like."
Strange, cuz that's more how I've felt like after purchasing a GameCube, Nintendo 64, GameBoy Advance(less than a year later the SP came out), as well as the DS. *shrugs* guess if you're poor you would cry about $600 for an actual next-gen system.
Considering the demographic they're aiming for (HDTV's costing in the thousand dollars+ range), $600 isn't that much at all for a one time fee for 7+ years of gaming(based on the fact that PS2 is having some AAA titles still coming out in 2007). Then again, I suppose if you made a failure of a system like gamecube, you'd abandon all development on it like four years after it was released... After releasing hardware gimmicks left and right (GBA link cables, dial up modems, broadband network adaptors for two games, six different size memory cards so you constantly have to buy new ones to play the latest games), one should expect a company to abandon ship and take their currently in development games and force people to buy their next-gen system to play them(Paper Mario sequel is now Wii Exclusive, and Zelda for the cube got pushed from the expected 2005 release on cube til 2006 because of the Wii, AND it's coming out two weeks after the Wii version)...
But yes, despite how Nintendo treats it's loyal, let's claim that Sony is raping their customers by taking a loss on their system to get it into your hands. Far be it that a product be out of *YOUR* price range, it must be raping the consumer.
Fucking sony hater are getting really obnoxious... IT'S A PRICEY SYSTEM, GET OVER IT. There's not a single other thing wrong with it! The games look amazing like the 360, it's got full backwards compatibility, wireless controllers, online gaming network in place, next-gen video playback, comptable with multiple memory stick formats that already exist.
Stop crying about the price tag, go get a second job at McDonalds for a month at like 25 hours a week (oh no!) and you'll have enough to get the system if *GASP* $600 is too pricey to hook up to your HDTV... but chances are you don't own one and really don't need a next-gen system anyways, considering your TV can't really display any differences.
Turken @ Sep 18th 2006 2:21PM
says christopher7xii: "F***ing sony haters are getting really obnoxious... IT'S A PRICEY SYSTEM, GET OVER IT."
And the F***ing sony fanboys who feel that they must post the same old page long argument in defense of their preferred system every time someone is even remotely critical of sony have _always_ been obnoxious... YOU HAVE A DIFFERENT SET OF VALUES AND OPINIONS THAN SOME OTHER PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET, GET OVER IT.
Darkness Rises @ Sep 18th 2006 2:31PM
Oh jesus christ. This game has nothing to do with the PS3, 360, or Wii. Fanboys and haters all just need to shut the hell up over this. 2 out of 3 systems aren't even out yet, so what is the point in this b*tching. IT's not even time for a CIVIL point counterpoint about the systems. All fanboys need to leave the none console posts alone! No one is making you buy anything, but don't begrudge people who want to purchase it. I own a 360, as well as plan on owning a Wii, and a PS3 sometime in the next year, so lets just leave it at that, and discuss this strange and perverse game mechanic.
Jules @ Sep 18th 2006 2:39PM
Wow I can't believe that christopher7xii actually has stars when he posts crap like that. if you're so disappointed by Nintendo's systems then don't buy them...they're obviously too good for you. go ahead and part with all your cash for the PS3 (and it's useless bluray player - lets face it bluray IS gonna lose to HD-DVD, just like UMDs failed), and let the people that want to spend it on the excellent Wii do so.
J B Cougar @ Sep 18th 2006 2:41PM
Note to self: Respond to silly little one sentence rib of the PS3's asking price with page long bombastic diatribe defending the PS3 with arguments everyone already heard last month, mix in crazily off topic suggestion about working at McDonalds soley to get a video game system, and voila!!! -- get two stars on Joystiq! Sucess is mine!!!
Optimus Prime @ Sep 18th 2006 2:48PM
Well said christopher7xii... well said. You get what you pay for, or in Sony's case, MORE than what you paid for. Nintendo has made TOO many bad decisions for me to defend them anymore. I hope Mr. Fatass plumber chokes on some low-poly pepperoni!
J B Cougar @ Sep 18th 2006 2:47PM
"Strange, cuz that's more how I've felt like after purchasing a GameCube, Nintendo 64, GameBoy Advance(less than a year later the SP came out), as well as the DS."
Chris, I have to ask: Did you buy your GC, GBA and N64 at a prison?
Captain Obvious @ Sep 18th 2006 3:40PM
@Alexander
You must be using a defition of the word "easier" of which I was previously unaware. I'll take the Prisonbreak route.
idioteraser @ Sep 18th 2006 3:49PM
christopher7xii and Optimus Prime at least the Nintendo hardware doesn't break so you have to buy the same piece of hardware four times in five years like you will with the ps3.
Ever wonder how a hit game on the ps2 will only sell to ten% of the ps2/ps1 game console owners yet a hit game on a Nintendo system will sell to a third or half or even more of the console owners? This isn't counting bundles either.
Even Sega had much higher percentages then Sony did. Even Atari.
Frank @ Sep 18th 2006 4:12PM
I'm glad you guys liked my article, but why are you talking about the PS3?
Judd @ Sep 18th 2006 4:17PM
Wow, it's incredible how any post, I mean ANY post, can turn into a flame war. This post is about an anal sex minigame and all of a sudden it turns into a fight between systems.
"Well, the Xbox 360 would charge you extra for the laxative"
" The PS3 would charge you $600 just to hire a man whore."
"Just like Nintendo, these guys are sticking their Wii up our asses.
foehammer88 @ Sep 18th 2006 4:22PM
That is exactly why I'm sticking with Microsoft, because Sony and Nintendo make to many bad decisions. Just read the last week of Joystiq posts.
Pikachelsea @ Sep 18th 2006 5:39PM
"Strange, cuz that's more how I've felt like after purchasing a GameCube, Nintendo 64, GameBoy Advance(less than a year later the SP came out), as well as the DS. *shrugs* guess if you're poor you would cry about $600 for an actual next-gen system."
So you've supposedly been "raped" by Nintendo but you just keep coming back for more by buying all those systems, huh? Now that makes all kinds of sense.
christopher7xii @ Sep 18th 2006 6:41PM
Eh, I'm just sayin that calling $600 for the PS3 rape is silly when they're straight forward with what they do. If anything it's comprable to just asking someone you met "want to fuck me?". As opposed to Nintendo where they get to you through deceit... They add on little things left and right swearing its the second coming and expanding the way we see, feel, and play games... for an extra $300 in perephrials.
So no, I didn't buy my systems in prison. Just every console I picked up for Nintendo, they screwed me in
some way. Didn't realize that metaphors were that hard to detect. It wasn't literal you fool.
"Ever wonder how a hit game on the ps2 will only sell to ten% of the ps2/ps1 game console owners yet a hit game on a Nintendo system will sell to a third or half or even more of the console owners? This isn't counting bundles either."
That's because when you have 100mil units, not everyone is going to buy every game. There's diversity in the games. Some like RPGs, some like action, some like puzzle. So a "hit" game is just like 10 mil units sold... so 10%... as opposed to Nintendo where there are like 20mil systems out there, you *NEED* half of them to sell to be a hit. Also when you have three good games released a year on GC... *EVERYONE* is looking for a new game to play, so they pick it up... even if it isn't the genre of their choice. the PS2 got tons of good releases from tons of different companies yearly.... So when you only have $300 to spend on games a year... its gonna be more concentrated when you have less to choose from (GameCube).
So yeah, I have thought on it. Then I read about it, and then I understood why. Quality has nothing to do with it.
Zo K. @ Sep 18th 2006 7:20PM
@ christopher7xii
Maybe you SHOULD be in prison, because it feels like I've been robbed. How YOU got two stars is beyond my comprehension.
So you want a PS3. So most of the rest of us in this post don't. Why is this always tantamount to a fucking flamewar?
Ph30nix @ Sep 18th 2006 8:34PM
What the fuck is wrong with you guys?
There are more important things than console prices...i.e., a video game showing that rape is an acceptable practice in life if it gets you out of jail...
Dammit what was the point in even reading these comments?
This video game is about as sick and perverted as anything I've ever seen or heard of...makes GTA look pretty tame by comparison...
aside from the fact that very few people have a Gizmondo...I can only hope this never finds its way into production on a large scale or in any store I ever shop in...
MrBlank @ Sep 18th 2006 9:08PM
Men raping men: Funny stuff.
Men raping women: Well, that's serious.
Wether the PS3 is better than the Wii: Earth-shattering!
Jack Thompson is the least of our problems.
Christopher7xii @ Sep 18th 2006 10:25PM
"Maybe you SHOULD be in prison, because it feels like I've been robbed. How YOU got two stars is beyond my comprehension."
I didn't realize stars meant something, or that I even had them. Feel free, go ahead and have mine. Chances are you post a *LOT* more than I do anyways. I'm about ten posts a month these days. Guess they just realize that I actually understand what's going on, as opposed to following what the herd says is okay and acceptable. Heaven forbid you think outside the box or something...
As for rape being horrible in a video game... Dude, think about what you just said. By saying GTA is worlds better than this, you're saying that it's okay to murder people, fuck hookers, steal cars, burn buildings, graffiti buildings, cook animals, simulate GOD for crying out loud in some games... but willingly giving your body up in exchange for a way out of prison is "inconceivable!" by all means. Homophobic or something? It's just letting some guy sodomize you, not rape. Rape is forced, I was under the impression you let the guy do it to you so you can get what you want. A deal of sorts.
*shrugs* sometimes guy on guy scares people though, i guess.
colin @ Sep 19th 2006 12:42AM
I remember reading about the colors game. It sounded really cool. It used the built-in gps of the gizmondo to make you fight over literally your own turn against people that live near you. That sound's pretty pimp to me.
Gareth Jones @ Sep 19th 2006 12:26PM
> The guys at Lost Levels got their hands, by nefarious means we presume, on a never-released title for the console and now have an "exclusive" review of the Gizmondo's would be killer-app, Colors.
It's freely available for download from any Gizmondo-related site, along with a shedload of other non-released games - some almost complete, some early alpha/beta stage.
Mabui @ Sep 19th 2006 7:54AM
James Earl Wyatt seemed like a good alternative to reading the entirely off topic posting that exploded after this.
Honestly, does everything have to be a console war? I mean, every company has failed little endevours for their systems, though in the defense of gameboy cables, being able to download NES games from animal crossing onto them seemed pretty good to me.
I imagine all those gameboy cables, network adaptors, and otherwise Nintendo has put out don't quiet add up to say.. an abandoned hard drive.
Thats just my opinion.
Sploog @ Sep 19th 2006 8:53AM
wheres the rest of the review, besides the ass rape? 5 / 5 for man shaggin woo!...
linlhutz @ Sep 22nd 2006 11:19AM
"It's freely available for download from any Gizmondo-related site, along with a shedload of other non-released games - some almost complete, some early alpha/beta stage."
What does this have to do with the PS3?
Please keep on topic.
MaKiNa @ Sep 29th 2006 8:25PM
Wow.. I don't know what is wrong with all of you, maybe didn't get enough hugs or something but... this is a pretty crude game, I suppose if you are into this sort of thing, then go ahead. Enjoy!
As for the console wars here, isn't it pretty obvious? PS3 is going to be the superior system, and the R&D costs for it was through the roof, so it'll cost $600. Xbox360 is a decent system with a decent price. Wii is cheap because it's not as high powered system as Xbox360 or PS3. So if you don't want to spend a lot of money on gaming system go get Wii. Or if you feel like burning all your time and money on games, go buy all three. C'est la vie.
sub-xero @ Sep 30th 2006 2:01PM
Hmm... throughout this thread i've seen just a few people tryin to keep the subject on track, even the author gets pissed at the lack of respect but does it make a difference?
Ur still bitchin about "ooh, my fav consoles better than urs."
AND YET IT DOESNT MATTER HOW MANY TIMES PEOPLE SAY IT, YOU JUST DONT LISTEN.
The petty war goes on. Cant u talk about things that matter? A console is a console, buy one and like it. Dont make a war.
UNHchabo @ Sep 30th 2006 8:10PM
"There are more important things than console prices...i.e., a video game showing that rape is an acceptable practice in life if it gets you out of jail..."
You don't HAVE to take it up the ass to get out of prison... it's just one option. Therefore, it's not rape if it's consentual. ;)
Ian Keith @ Oct 1st 2006 2:26PM
MaKiNa:
Did you even read the fucking article?
Re: The article
Sigh. The crap people will pull for money. And not even good money, by the sound of it.
In fact...this entire article, as well as its following discussion and the game in which it is in regard to, are all made of fail and lose. /req deletion plzkthx.
nikan @ Oct 15th 2006 5:29PM
personally, i enjoy sex with men.
Lud @ Oct 1st 2006 11:13PM
If you throw a PS3, an XBox 360 and a Nintendo Wii in prison, then which one will go to the hospital... I think that's the real question we should be asking here. Toss a Turbo Grafix 16 in there and I think that we that all three will probably end up there.
Nagora @ Oct 2nd 2006 5:04PM
Christopher7xii could save that $600 and buy himself a sense of humour. What a dickhead loser.
The guy @ Oct 2nd 2006 4:19PM
Man, look at the jaggedy graphics on that pic, it's bad enough getting raped by a bear named "James Earl Wyatt" but imagine if his member has razor sharp edges. no wonder you wake up in the hospital!
Kevin @ Oct 2nd 2006 5:26PM
Funny looking game.
As for the sony fagboys. 600 dollars eh? If it's anything like the Playstation one or two I'll be going through multiple systems easy. (sony makes systems in a incredible way. They always break weeks after warranty!) Not so 'cheap' (as if it was in the first place) anymore is it?
I wonder what kind of fun blinking light will go off when it completely shits itself this time...! =]
Merlock @ Oct 2nd 2006 8:49PM
It would be nice if a different handheld had a a good game on it, to expand the market. The Gizmondo had some ideas which were pretty good, but it never really hit the mass market.
Get rid of the silly prison thing though. That seems highly stupid. It sounds like a cut scene which would pretty much raise the ESRB rating by itself.
--
Every Console has pros and cons. Whats wrong with just understanding each console will have some really good games? :P
Kat @ Oct 8th 2006 9:44PM
I'm writing my dissertation on the topic patterns of threaded communication... applying chaos theory and fractal geometry to discussion tangents, especially "flame" frequency. I just thought I'd let y'all know that this is a great piece of evidence for my work.
Truly fascinating. =)
Also, the discussion of this game makes me laugh.
Yay, Joystiq!
Dark Freddie @ Oct 3rd 2006 12:24PM
This is marginally as disturbing as all the gang banging in san andreas. The only difference is my character is getting ass raped instead of my mind.
-
Yo, fanboys of all color. Shut up. No one wants to hear it. Yes the PS3 costs a lot. No Nintendo hasn't made a highly successful system in a prolonged period of time, and yes microsoft has its hand in your pocket for the entire life of your system. All you've succeeded in doing with these little flame wars is get people to realize all three systems suck in some respect. If you're looking to get people to follow your way of belief in a system because you're so freaking insecure of it that you can't just admit when your preferred system has a flaw, then you're a fucking embarassment to the system and need to detatch yourself from it before people start hating it because of you.
Anyway,
XD thats fucking hillarious the Guy. You too scott.
Sassilysweet @ Oct 2nd 2006 11:46PM
I just want to know why the character's initials spell "J.E.W"
Meldon @ Oct 3rd 2006 11:18AM
I think it was one of several reasons this game never went to market. I think the whole thing was a joke by the guys who were building the game, when they discovered the Gizmondo was bust... Thought they could really get people talking, kinda like a huge Punk'd situation...and of course, they expected to ignite a flamewar between consols...
Nacho @ Oct 3rd 2006 6:23PM
Wow, a post that started out about prison sex turns into a debate about which is better, the wii or PS3.