With the majority of consoles still showing a decline in sales this week, it has become abundantly clear that Japanese gamers have finally identified what's most important in life -- that would be living. This realization is, of course, accompanied by a strong need for these enlightened gamers to distance themselves from that which most threatens their ability to live. Indeed, gaming poses what is perhaps the greatest danger of all to our fragile society and our defenseless youth. If those emotionless red arrows could convey any sort of directive, it would be to cast down your controllers and run away as fast as you can. The evil of gaming is directly responsible for putting your life in danger! If you don't believe us, believe the statistics presented after the break.
- DS Lite: 194,526
66,879 (52.39%)- Wii: 83,754
2,641 (3.06%)- PSP: 35,700
1,332 (3.60%)- PS2: 20,995
826 (4.10%)- PS3: 19,996
1,109 (5.25%) - Xbox 360: 7,365
324 (4.60%)- Game Boy Micro: 1,177
687 (36.86%)- GBA SP: 1,023
475 (31.71%)- Gamecube: 347
207 (37.36%)- DS Phat: 82
41 (33.33%)- GBA: 34
60 (63.83%)[Source: Media Create]
See also: Previous Japanese hardware sales charts
- In the United States alone, roughly 95 people are vaporized by remorseless bolts of lightning per year. Lighting, as you are no doubt aware of, is a visually spectacular form of electricity. It should come as little shock to learn that your consoles absolutely thrive on electricity.
- When ingested in large quantities, plastic can wreak havoc with the body, often resulting in a protracted and painful death. One of the primary components in a controller shell is also plastic, and it's the one part of the console that is constantly held within close vicinity of the mouth. Indeed, "jaw-dropping" games like Gears of War do nothing but encourage wanton, plastic consumption.
- Here's another hot fact: thousands of people die every year in uncontrollable house fires. Consoles are played primarily in the house, with players often seated on highly flammable carpets.
- Violent vehicle theft has steadily been on the rise worldwide since the release of Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. In the 1600's, before the game landed on shelves and into the hands of dangerous criminals-in-training, there wasn't a single automobile-related crime or fatality reported.
- Worldwide suicide trends indicate that hanging has increased in "popularity" by nearly five times in the last twenty years. It is no coincidence that video game controller cords were introduced in roughly the same period.
- Wireless controllers aren't much better -- wireless frequencies have been shown to adversely affect pacemakers, striking victims down in their prime.
- Nightmarish research indicates that acute heart attacks are 3 times more likely to occur in the morning than in the late evening. Further studies have shown that most video games are played within 24 hours of every morning. Making the connection between the two observations is insultingly simple.
Though lack of experience causes great debate about the actual specifics of death, it is generally considered to be unpleasant and wholly unnecessary. Despite this, American gamers still insist on powering up consoles and taking their lives into their own, constantly twitching hands. Politicians and members of the media have long struggled to spread the word, but an unforgiving wall of stubbornness ensures that the actual word is "ignored".
The next time you hand your pal the controller in a seemingly innocent round of racing, you'd best reconsider the concept of friendship. Friends don't let friends play on electronic death machines. Such a flippant attitude is exactly what destroys entire families and gets people run over by 18-wheelers. It's a complete disregard of what's real in the world (reminder: DEATH) and what isn't just a make-believe quest to rescue some bimbo in a castle.
You see, much like a vicious, rabies-infected squirrel, reality can be the most difficult thing to deal with if you've spent your entire life within the insulating comfort of a house. It's frightening and quite clearly bonkers, but facing it head-on is always preferable to having it climb in through the window while you're asleep and unprepared. Face the frigid facts, friend -- gaming is a vile instrument of your doom. The sooner you realize this and follow Japan's thoughtful trend, the sooner you won't die.
