How to beat Gears of War and save $60

by Blake Snow { Feb 7th 2007 at 12:45PM }

The Onion (yes, the parody newswire) tells the story of one frugal Gears of War enthusiast named Ronald Franks. You see, Franks likes Gears, but not enough to spend $60 on it. We're not even sure he actually owns a 360; maybe just a memory card.

"Ronald Franks could be as little as two Best Buy visits away from completing the Xbox 360 video game Gears of War, Franks said Tuesday. 'I told [wife] Susan not to expect me for dinner tonight, because right now I'm at the Train Wreck and I'm about to take on a Berserker,' said Franks, 35, who has been playing the game daily for nearly three weeks [at the store] and brings his own memory card from home. 'I'm thinking I can get through that pretty quickly because I'll use my sniper rifle.'"

The economical Franks also won't budge for a $20 strategy guide. Rather, he takes a legal pad to Barnes & Noble for a copy fest of the official strategy guide. That's one way to do it.

[via Amazon]

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

wei @ Feb 7th 2007 12:49PM

you do know.. that.. the onion is satire and fake stories... right?

Myke @ Feb 7th 2007 12:53PM

Hahahah, Blake, I gotta tell ya, you're a great writer and despite what alot of people say I think you're one of the better ones on here....Now, with that said....this is a story from THE ONION. This is the same "news" source that has reported fake stories for years and years and years... come on man, please tell me you knew this.

Charles @ Feb 7th 2007 12:55PM

Wait, the Onion isn't a real source of news? Guess I'll have to go back to watching the Daily Show for that then.

F. Chair @ Feb 7th 2007 12:56PM

This is why primary sources are always better than secondary sources, aren't they? Sure, Amazon has some nice blogs, but... ;)

Myke @ Feb 7th 2007 12:58PM

No, the Onion DOES do some commentary on REAL new stories, however, ones that are built from the ground up by The Onion (this one for example), almost always have zero basis in reality.

Philip C Weber @ Feb 7th 2007 1:05PM

God I hate people like that. Just rent the damn game already. Stop being a cheap ass. He's not being practical or ingenious and frankly I feel sorry for his wife, if true.

Nate @ Feb 7th 2007 1:05PM

Ummmm...let's assume for a second this is real (even though it's not), wouldn't he just end up spending 60 bucks on gas to get to Best Buy anyway?

Mr. Clownn @ Feb 7th 2007 1:05PM

My issue with the Onion running a story like this is that it isn't really good satire. If a story is so believable that it seems like it could actually happen (and having worked for that company, I know it isn't far fetched for a guy to come in everyday with a memory card and beat the game after 3 weeks...there is a memory card slot on the display machine and nobody at Best Buy would give enough of a shit to throw someone like that out until closing time), what is the point in making it up?

Good satire tries to have a point at the end. Something like this, if it is indeed a satirical story, serves no point. It's like if I made up a story about staying awake for 72 hours to beat Final Fantasy XII in one sitting. Not terribly remarkable and probably true in some cases. At this point it is no longer satire; it is simply a lie.

gymbrall @ Feb 7th 2007 1:06PM

First tip off that the story's fake: it says he has a wife!!!

el chino @ Feb 7th 2007 1:07PM

How much as he spent on gas to go to Best Buy and back over the last 3 weeks? Probably enough to buy the game!!!

adam @ Feb 7th 2007 1:20PM

The title of the thread doesn't fit the story. It's not telling you how to beat gears of war, just how to be a cheapass.

Plus, like others have said, he probably spent more on gas.

Tyler @ Feb 7th 2007 1:22PM

lawl

he needed a strategy guide for gears?

heretrix @ Feb 7th 2007 1:26PM

I don't think I've ever seen any of the chainstore videogame kiosks built in a way where you could insert a memory card into one. They are all under a 17 ply plexiglass shield. If they weren't no console would last for more than 2 days...

And yes, Iknow this story is fake.

Eric @ Feb 7th 2007 1:31PM

2 things that make this story fake...
1) How many displays have you seen with access to the memory card slot?
2) How many stores have you seen with a full version game on display that is M-Rated? It is against policy. Its like showing an R rated movie on the TVs in Blockbuster.

aegies @ Feb 7th 2007 1:32PM

Yeah, add me to the "fake" tally: M-rated game with disembowelments, decapitations, and the f-bomb on public display at Best Buy equals someone getting fired.

http://eat-sleep-game.com

Grunge @ Feb 7th 2007 1:36PM

You know how I knew it was fake?

IT'S FROM THE ONION YOU FUCKING IDIOTS.

Mr. Clownn @ Feb 7th 2007 1:40PM

@14

1. All Xbox 360 kiosks in Best Buy stores have memory card slots on them, outside of the plastic casing that contains the console. Originally the design was intended to give exclusive Best Buy content that you can download at the kiosk and bring home to your machine.

2. Very good point but that a Best Buy store would put one up anyway, just to show off the visual spectacle of GoW is not far fetched.

And on the gas theory, he could easily live within walking distance or the store and his house could be on the same bus line. Just playing devil's advocate.

But again all of this adds to my original point...this story serves no purpose. At all. It isn't funny, it isn't witty and it isn't going to challenge anyones way of thinking or cause an epiphany.

Efren Abrego @ Feb 7th 2007 1:41PM

Sweet christ.. I can't believe you guys are arguing about whether or not this story is true.

I'm with Grunge

Rich @ Feb 7th 2007 1:41PM

14:
The answers are:
1) none
2) none

Jonathan Tran @ Feb 7th 2007 1:46PM

LOL

1. It is incredibly lame that this post is really just a repost of the Onion article, with no editorial content. Why don't you just permalink gamepolitics.com rss while you're at it?
2. Everyone here trying to prove it is fake: come on.
3. This story was still funny, albeit implausible. Guess what, "Starbucks unveils sinister Stage 3 of Operations" was implausable, too.

Dan Dickinson @ Feb 7th 2007 1:46PM

It is astonishing to me that there is even a goddamn debate as to whether or not this is real going on in the comments.

People who are pointing out reasons it's fake: Stop. *We know*.

Spencer @ Feb 7th 2007 1:46PM

Additional generic comment about obviously false news report. Insinuation that any comment on this story is a bigger waste of time than Ronald Franks.

Squints @ Feb 7th 2007 1:47PM

1. I figured the quip about taking a personal day off to beat RAMM would have tipped that it was utterly fake.

2. If a guy was smart enough to do this, he would be smart enough to use an online FAQ site.

3. It has a link at the bottom from the same issue entitled: "Ryan Seacrest Nervous About How Audiences Will Respond To Slightly Shorter Haircut"

jonn @ Feb 7th 2007 1:55PM

@ Gymbrall.

Classic. They should of put in the story its his mom not his wife.

Jake @ Feb 7th 2007 1:59PM

The Onion is funny, but not as funny as people arguing whether or not their cover stories are fake. Can you say, self pwnage? It is a satirical newspaper. The one guy claiming kiosks don't have memory card slots or M-rated games or whatever is just classic. Way to go Sherlock!!!

One time John Kerry referenced an Onion article in one of his speeches. It was the one where the Onion claimed Republicans were releasing pamphlets in black neighborhoods reminding them to vote...But the date was the day after the article. Hilarious article that Kerry immortalized by referencing in one of his speeches.

Jake @ Feb 7th 2007 2:07PM

Edit: In my last post, the Republicans were allegedly releasing pamphlets for blacks to vote the day after election day. That was the fake article. A funny one too if you read it. But, Kerry referenced it making it funny to the 10th power.

murray b @ Feb 7th 2007 2:41PM

all 360 kiosks i've seen have memory card slots!!!! please stop saying they don't.

heretrix @ Feb 7th 2007 2:42PM

I don't think people are debating if it was fake or not, (I hope not) It's more like people just pointing shit out that is inconsistent with reality..

Sort of Like you do with TV shows, you know it's a TV show but it doesn't stop people from going "You can't do that!"..If it's based on reality people will judge it as such. But it doesn't mean they believe it.

ForcedSterilizationsForAll @ Feb 7th 2007 2:49PM

@14 and @15

In regards to an R-rated movie in a video store, about 10 years ago when I was working at a video store one night with my manager we threw the movie Seven in and watched that. It was during a Prime-Renting time as well. Nothing came of it, it was kind of awesome.

Windmill @ Feb 7th 2007 2:56PM

That guys my hero. Thats one great way to beat the system!

Big John @ Feb 7th 2007 3:30PM

Yikes. You guys need to lighten up. Take it as what it is - satire. It was posted as a joke. Unfortunately for the majority of you, the internet is serious business.

David @ Feb 7th 2007 4:25PM

There are several issues with this story, one being it's from Onion. The main one is how did he connect the memory card? Isn't the 360 memory card attact to the system and not the controler?

miles foreman @ Feb 7th 2007 4:34PM

RE: 22. Additional generic comment about obviously false news report. Insinuation that any comment on this story is a bigger waste of time than Ronald Franks.

Posted at 1:46PM on Feb 7th 2007 by Spencer

Refutation of Ronald Franks insinuation. Query in regards to sexual orientation. Assertive proclamation of physical superiority. Derisive comments directed towards a percieved lack of genitalia, unattractiveness to the opposite sex, and mental compentency.

nintendofan @ Feb 7th 2007 4:41PM

"Edit: In my last post, the Republicans were allegedly releasing pamphlets for blacks to vote the day after election day. That was the fake article. A funny one too if you read it. But, Kerry referenced it making it funny to the 10th power."

You may want to do some research. That really happened. It's happened numerous times before. Republicans have openly admitted doing it.

http://www.rightwingwatch.org/2006/09/limbaugh_admits.html

The Onion on occasion uses very real past news and puts a satrical twist on it to make it look new. Often the satire is a very clear look at something. In other words no bull******.

The real Pat Robertson is far more looneytoons then the Onion Pat Robertson though.

C E @ Feb 7th 2007 7:06PM

this is by far the most pathetic attempt at saving money I have ever heard. If he is a situation where he has to reort to this he should not be into playing next gen games.

Ben @ Feb 8th 2007 1:19AM

To anyone who doesn't know what the Onion is, shame on you. To anyone criticizing the Onion because "it isn't satire," shut up. It is not intended to be pure satire, it is intended to be comedy. You can't criticize a medium for not serving the purpose that it was never intended to serve. And despite the fact that this story is obviously not true since it came from the Onion, anyone doubting the plausibility of this should work in a Best Buy or other game retailer for a day. Sadly enough there are actually people who do this type of crap.