You are not worthy of this Dungeon Siege trailer

51 Comments by Justin McElroy Jul 19th 2007 10:33AM
Filed under: Hacks

Oh sweet mother of mercy. How hard are you going to see this movie? Like Richter-scale hard? Though the end of the trailer says December, 1UP says that In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale has been moved to January, thereby guaranteeing that 2008 will be the greatest year ever.

Honestly, if the whole thing was two minutes of Ray Liotta slo-mo backwards leaping, we would have already pre-purchased our tickets. But there's so much more to enjoy! There's Claire Forlani looking gorgeous! There's Jason Statham air kicking! There's John Rhys-Davies reminding us that, although he was in Lord of the Rings, he was also in 41 episodes of Sliders! We are left with just two questions. When, exactly, in January is this gem coming out, and where can we get a Ray Liotta "Life...has never been so exciting!" ringtone?

[Via 1UP, Thanks, EternityInBlack]

Tags: dungeonsiege, uweboll

(Page 1) Reader Comments

Michael McGuire: Jul 19th 2007; 10:39AM

That was just surreal.

It was like one long string of trailer cliches. I almost imagined at some point the voice over guy would break in and remind us to turn off our cell phones during the movie, and we'd get a big laugh out of the fake trailer before the real trailers start.

Huey2k2: Jul 19th 2007; 10:40AM

People need to stop going to see Uwe Boll movies. He is an atrocious director and it's people like him that are ruining movies these days. If you pay to go and see an Uwe Boll movie you are a tool of the highest order.

Bc: Jul 19th 2007; 10:41AM

What did I just watch? Seriously, what was that?

kal_alfa: Jul 19th 2007; 10:41AM

Holy crap. This might be the worst movie ever.

Jay: Jul 19th 2007; 10:43AM

No matter how bad it is, it can't be worse than House of the Dead.

Benjamin Heckendorn: Jul 19th 2007; 10:44AM

I love Uwe Boll movies, they're terribly good, so to speak. Well, maybe not Alone in the Dark. Anyway, this movie was supposed to come out last Christmas, but I'm guessing Uwe is busy FILMING as many movies as possible before the German tax law loophole closes and he can't get any more financed.

Anyone else catch Ron Perlman in that?

Stef Geiger: Jul 19th 2007; 11:21AM

Yeah, I spotted him. Got my hopes up for 0.1 seconds till I remembered this movie looks like Bloodrayne 2.0.

Trenholmes: Jul 19th 2007; 10:46AM

Worst movie ever.

RanusStudios: Jul 19th 2007; 10:57AM

I also admire the category that this posted is filed under.

Justin McElroy: Jul 19th 2007; 11:00AM

Ranus FTW!

Hisham: Jul 19th 2007; 10:59AM

Knife-in-eye terrible doesnt even begin to describe how bad this looks.

Kris: Jul 19th 2007; 11:04AM

heck yea!!! I cant wait too never watch this garbage. It boggles the mind on how hes able to continue making films.

rask: Jul 19th 2007; 11:11AM

Sliders was an awesome show when Rhyes-Davies was on it.

Really lost interest in it after they got rid of Sabrina Lloyd and John.

hvnlysoldr: Jul 19th 2007; 11:19AM

Oh yeah Sliders ruled until they jumped the shark.

Richard: Jul 20th 2007; 12:00AM

I used to love Sliders, but when it went bad, it went bad.

Anyone remember the episode where the focus of the dimension was some virtual reality game where the enemy AI was generated by individual, enslaved humans, or something like that? It all culminated in this Emmy worthy dialog where one of the characters said something to the effect of "In all those years playing video games, I never stopped to realize all those characters I was killing were representations of real human beings." Kinda makes you think, doesn't it?

hvnlysoldr: Jul 19th 2007; 11:20AM

The only part of Uwe Boll's Far Cry I might see would be Handsome Tom and Stuttering Craig of Screw Attack in their blip second cameo roles.

WiNG: Jul 19th 2007; 11:32AM

Sliders was good until they added that other girl and made the episode that was like "Species"

RanusStudios: Jul 19th 2007; 11:35AM

Awesome.

Awesome to the MAX.

Snrk.

Crono: Jul 19th 2007; 12:00PM

My only regret, is... that I have... bone-itis...

*dies*

Goulet: Jul 19th 2007; 11:56AM

I love the guy who is reporting to Burt Reynolds. Horrible editing right there. "Your majesty...Krug!" "Savage army....Krug!" Like reading a wire transmission. Anyone else see Leelee Sobieski and Kristanna Loken for a second. Uwe Boll is so awful.

dvheil: Jul 19th 2007; 11:57AM

Oh this is gonna be awesome...The transporter: with swords, armor, and hair grease for Ray Liota in the 10th century.
I just can't wait!!!

Jack: Jul 19th 2007; 11:58AM

movie comes out January 18th actually, go get your tickets!

Jonah Falcon: Jul 19th 2007; 12:01PM

Why is Ray Liotta laughing like Ray Sinclair from "Something Wild"? "Come on, Char-leeee...."

ugtv.org: Jul 19th 2007; 12:03PM

It's Krull 2 : Electric Glave.

Wilson: Jul 19th 2007; 12:07PM

Jason Statham should have starred in one video game related movie... and that's Hitman. But no, they decided to go with the other guy who wasn't even a good villain in Die hard 4...

And I'd rather die than watching ANYTHING made by Uwe Boll.

Jonah Falcon: Jul 19th 2007; 12:21PM

Just remember - when his movies lose money, Boll MAKES money:

http://www.cinemablend.com/features/Uwe-Boll-Money-For-Nothing-209.html

Anam: Jul 19th 2007; 1:53PM

Now I'll have to go see the movie. I wouldn't want Uwe Boll making money.

Jamin: Jul 19th 2007; 12:27PM

maybe we're meant to watch it like we played Dungeon Siege - click to start things up, then leave the room for the next two hours.

Ender: Jul 19th 2007; 12:32PM

whoa guys dont count this movie out just yet.
im pretty shure i saw Ron Perlmen near the end of the trailer, and im pretty sure of a little equation that goes something like this:

crappy movie+ron Perlman= AWESOME

Although the Uwe factor just might outweigh my calculations XD

Greg: Jul 19th 2007; 12:41PM

Fair enough. Uwe Boll movies are effectively a tax shelter for German investors, designed to do poorly so the Deutschbags can hold onto their euros.

What I don't get is how he gets real actors involved. How does Liotta look at this script and this guy's resume and say "yes, let's do this?"

Zeke: Jul 19th 2007; 12:48PM

im not surprised at the actors he gets, they are clearly collecting a paycheck
example: ben kingsly won an oscar now all he does is crappy movies in order to get quick cash ie:Bloodrayne

Scott: Jul 19th 2007; 12:54PM

Two actors that should not star in medieval fantasy movies - Burt Reynolds, Ray Liotta.

invisible cheese: Jul 19th 2007; 1:02PM

Jason Stathom AND Ray Liotta? No thanks.

Nick: Jul 19th 2007; 1:07PM

I hope they have outtakes of Burt Reynolds slapping people silly.

Angelo: Jul 19th 2007; 1:21PM

I guess I'm going to be the first to say it: the movie doesn't look that bad. Uwe is known to be a shitty director, but this might be his "best" yet. The special effects look more than decent, hes got the big name actors and the location spots look promising. It does look like their a few slip ups, but not enough to make me hate a movie based on the damn trailer. He has the ingredients to make a pretty penny off of this. I'd reserve judgment until you actually see it instead of mindlessly rambling.

Jonah Falcon: Jul 19th 2007; 1:49PM

Ray's laugh is all I need to know this film is garbage. Just so you know, Boll is INTENTIONALLY trying to make this a film no one will go to see. When it loses money, he makes money.

Jonah Falcon: Jul 19th 2007; 1:50PM

The big name actors get a cut of the tax shelter money Boll gets.

Dungeon Sieger: Jul 19th 2007; 1:52PM

I'd like to know Uwe Boll translates "Dungeon Siege" into "Outdoor Chaotic Brawling." That pretty much seems the exact opposite of "Dungeon" and "Siege."

Maybe this movie is the Rosetta Stone for deciphering Uwe Boll! So when Boll says something is "awesome," he means it is "a crime against nature," and when he invites you to a "friendly boxing PR stunt" he means he's prepared a "bare-handed death appointment" for you.

thain: Jul 19th 2007; 2:07PM

It's disappointing that John Rhys-Davies is in this film...I've always loved his acting, and now Boll has to screw that up royally.

Anam: Jul 19th 2007; 3:14PM

Just consider acting in a Uwe Boll movie to be the ultimate challenge for an actor.

dKd: Jul 19th 2007; 2:43PM

Hey guys,

I already saw this movie at the Brussels Fantasy Film Festival ( www.bifff.org/index2.php?p=film&s=1691&search=1 ). It is indeed Uwe's best as I see it, which isn't saying much. Alone in the Dark was crap, Bloodrayne was seriously below average, so that would make this just below average (4/10?). The effects are quite good (especially considering the budget) and if you somehow liked Dungeons&Dragons, you'll have no problem with this coz its actually better than that stinker (which also had famous actors in it).

Dirk.

onetrueping: Jul 19th 2007; 3:46PM

Come on, Uwe, we know it's really you. Confess!

Dustin: Jul 19th 2007; 4:43PM

Haha... it makes me sad that anyone would even consider viewing this movie. MAYBE if you have not seen any other of Uwe's creations, like Blood Rayne or Alone in the Dark. Just maybe you think, 'Hey, this looks so bad it might actually be funny to watch.' But please, just take my advice and don't even read reviews for this movie. Don't even think about it. Because, in the end, this movie will just make thousands of people commit suicide. Hopefully that will include all of the actors in it, and possibly Uwe himself, although I'm pretty sure he is the only person immune to how bad his movies are.

... I really shouldn't even ask this question but... why would anybody that ever makes a movie destined to be in theaters leave the MAIN TITLE completely devoid of any creativity? It's just fucking white with what looks like Times New Roman as the font.

WHY ARE YOU SO FUCKING BAD AT MAKING MOVIES UWE, WHY?!?!?!?!

*commits suicide*

Jfk Aok: Jul 19th 2007; 5:40PM

If it's House of the Dead bad BAD, i'll definitely go see it. House of the Dead is far more funny than annie hall or young frankenstein combined!
If it's as bad as the rest, then i might watch the first 5 minutes on cinemax or something.
This just looks unfunny bad though.

Jim: Jul 19th 2007; 5:41PM

I just was shocked to see so many well-know actors in this trailer.

And who are the 2000+ clowns @ IMDb who already voted the movie down to bottom 100#42 WHEN THE FILM ISN'T RELEASED YET?

Thierry: Jul 19th 2007; 7:07PM

Claire Forlani is the reason to watch this movie, I love her scenes in CSI NY, I wonder if she will pull a Loken scene like in Bloodrayne.

Jack: Jul 19th 2007; 8:05PM

I think Ron Perlman vs. Ray Liotta was predicted somewhere in the Book of Revelations...

t_m: Jul 20th 2007; 8:39AM

I think every shot from that trailer was taken directly from lord of the rings...

..but hey, jason statham kicking stuff and ray liotta overacting have always been fun...

I still wonder why all these famous actors agree to star in these movies... i thought they closed the tax loophole?? All except clare forlani.. she could never act worth a damn and has finally found her level.