Joystiq review: Yaris (Xbox 360)
by Dan Dormer 
{ Oct 12th 2007 at 8:00PM }
Crafted in a circle of Hell even Dante didn't believe existed, the developers of Castaway Entertainment created Yaris with an objective I can only believe is to cultivate anger in those who play it. I know an allusion to Dante's Inferno seems passé, the standard go-to reference for the sophomore year English Lit major, but forgive me because I feel that this accurately conveys what a truly diabolical creation this game is. Rosemary's baby's got jack on Yaris.
Sure, I'm complaining about an advertisement turned game, but if we learned anything from 2006 it was that advert games don't have to be soulless aberrations. While the Burger King titles weren't the greatest of games, they look like the Mona Lisa when placed side-by-side with Yaris. (In this case Yaris would be the rudimentary finger painting of a preschooler.)
Yaris does nothing right, and everything wrong. Every element, from the graphics to the controls to the online play, is just busted. Even at the price of free, this lemon isn't fun or worth the sticker price and no factory dealer incentives could get me playing Yaris again. In fact, I decided compile a list of things that would be more fun than playing Yaris:
- Scooping my eyes out with a rusty spoon.
- Watching the Yankees win the World Series for the next five years (I'm a Red Sox fan.)
- Having the entire Internet replaced by teenage girls' MySpace pages, pink background, glitter .gifs, Fall Out Boy tracks et. al.
- Removing red meat (fillet mignon, porterhouse, rib eye, sirloin, New York strip) from all restaurant menus.
- Being married to Britney, 2007 edition.
- Having every TV show I love replaced with repeats of VH1 "Celebreality" programing.
- Test driving an actual Yaris.
Get a WordPress.com Blog
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)
Dave @ Oct 12th 2007 8:04PM
lol That's it. Now I HAVE to download it.
blooh (CDF - Nipple Ring) @ Oct 12th 2007 8:09PM
good review
but fuck the yanks AND the red sox
Fanboy @ Oct 13th 2007 12:25PM
Go Cleveland!!!
evilkoala @ Oct 12th 2007 8:10PM
But... but... 200 achievement points for FREE!
Konchu @ Oct 12th 2007 8:42PM
But can you really put I price on you soul I mean 200 GS is nice and all but games like this make me think we need Anti Achievments like beat all of Yaris -200 GS.
Mischa @ Oct 13th 2007 7:55AM
That was immediately what I thought of when I heard "free game", but seriously, after 10 minutes of playing the first single player level which went on FOREVER, I felt like such a whore and couldn't even finish it. Seriously.
Grant @ Oct 12th 2007 8:12PM
As a international business major who loves marketing, i wanted to completly dissect this turd to find out how it was done and how well done.
FAIL FAIL FAIL.
Does it advertise the product?
kinda.
Does it allow unlock ables(aka more products) that are achievable?
No fucking way.
Did i die on the first level and only be able to afford one new paint color and one new car after struggling through the next 3?
yes, yes, and yes.
Verdict: If your going to make an advergame, make it so the customer is actually able to UNLOCK new items so they can view them and actually receive the subliminal "you want this product" message you are supposed to be providing. It's a fail as a game overall. Yaris is a shooting game with obstacle avoidance. What does this have to do with the product your advertising?
Bottom line: if your going to advertise something like A CAR... maybe you should make A DRIVING GAME?
SoxFan13 @ Oct 12th 2007 8:16PM
I wasn't gonna read this review, but you opened with the Tripp and Albie comment-- I miss that show, sniff:(
Chameleon @ Oct 14th 2007 12:13PM
agreed, it was an amazing show
horngreen @ Oct 12th 2007 8:24PM
I actually would have liked to have had to sit through some Yaris info instead of play the game. I gave up on it quickly but am I mistaken that you don't even have to give it gas or breaks? It just seemed to take off and go one speed. I couldn't slow it down or do anything but steer and fire. I think I went one lap and PLUCKED it from my hard drive. You know a game is bad when it's free, only 25mb and you delete it right away.
horngreen @ Oct 12th 2007 8:25PM
One more thing...I'm looking to start a Yaris clan ASAP.
Korova @ Oct 12th 2007 8:31PM
Can a Yaris go 130? Where is the truth in advertising police - or is this game not released in the UK
quickshade @ Oct 12th 2007 8:31PM
Guess toyota should stick to what they do best. Employing american workers to build great cars that last long, get good gas mileage and don't stage silly marketing scams and say they been around for 100 years and that means we should buy them.
(yes that was a rant on american car makers, deal with it)
Lewis @ Oct 12th 2007 8:33PM
Dan FTW.
Except The Yankees part.
F*** the Red Sox (Sorry, inner-New Yorker side of me had to)
DemonGSides @ Oct 13th 2007 2:24PM
Positive for you sir!
Poisoned Al @ Oct 12th 2007 8:40PM
Reminds me of this little gem:
(NSFW) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=swvy4qE_AYM
Lemmiwinks @ Oct 12th 2007 9:37PM
"what on *earth* is happening to the car in the lead?"
"let's just sit back and listen to the constant, flatulent sound that supposed to be the engine!"
friggin high-larious
rom @ Oct 12th 2007 8:42PM
I was planning on getting all the achievement points from the game, but I just couldn't bring myself to even put up with the game. I got 5 points before deleting the game from the hard drive.
On a related note, is it possible to delete achievement points from games I don't like? How about deleting the game from my recently played list? If not then...ugh...damnit.
Eric @ Oct 13th 2007 9:50AM
Nope. Everyone will know FOREVER that you played Yaris.
blooh (CDF - Nipple Ring) @ Oct 12th 2007 8:44PM
why do people care about achievement points? they don't give you anything except epenis
Fatass of Kickassness @ Oct 12th 2007 8:50PM
exactly.
dishwasher @ Oct 15th 2007 1:10AM
its like crack.
AoE @ Oct 12th 2007 9:37PM
Dude, unless you count self-love, chances are their epenis' are the only ones they ever get to use... so let them have their fun.
ThornedVenom @ Oct 13th 2007 1:29AM
But everyone loves free epenises. ;P
Konchu @ Oct 12th 2007 8:46PM
Hey If I could buy a Yaris Tentical Monster car that would rule. Be like did they just cut me off and Id be like Lazors Beeotch.
Avarice @ Oct 12th 2007 10:39PM
The biggest problem I had with the game was that it doesn't allow you to use inverted camera control. I mean, how hard would it have been to add that in? Isn't that a standard feature in pretty much all games now? The lack of this makes the game almost unplayable for me and I'm assuming many other people.
DVersion @ Oct 12th 2007 8:53PM
And it looked so promissing.
Blue_Falcon @ Oct 12th 2007 8:54PM
This game, is without question, the biggest piece of garbage I've played in the past 10 years.
Actually, I'm going to go as far as saying it is the worst game I've ever played in my life.
Grant @ Oct 14th 2007 7:09PM
you clearly never played ET for the 2600 or Superman 64.
I'd gives this a close 3rd worst game ever, but at least it was free.
Jeff @ Oct 12th 2007 8:59PM
"Test driving an actual Yaris."
Looks like this piece of crap just proved that it worked on you.
-Jeff
http://alinktothefuture.com
Matt B @ Oct 12th 2007 9:01PM
Phew... I was afraid GT:5 might have some competition with Yaris. But I guess its fine. For now.
Synner @ Oct 12th 2007 9:04PM
This game made me never want to buy a toyota product in case it is as unfun to own for money as this game was to own for free.
Lemmiwinks @ Oct 12th 2007 9:29PM
That screenshot reminds me of a nightmare I had last Wednesday.
Malarkey @ Oct 12th 2007 9:36PM
This Yaris game is really, really BAD. It's an insult to gamers and shows how desperate they are to sell more stupid vehicles with stupid names like "Yaris."
Thordon @ Oct 12th 2007 9:56PM
That car would be lucky to hit 130 Kph, let alone 130 Mph.
Vexorg @ Oct 12th 2007 9:58PM
I posted some of my own comments about this last night over at my Blog:
http://thesledgehammer.wordpress.com/2007/10/11/oh-what-a-failing/
The short version: The problem with Yaris isn't so much a matter of the game being bad (although that it is), it's more a matter of the game being a comlpete failure as a marketing tool. There is almost nothing useful someone who was car shopping would get out of this.
Vexorg @ Oct 12th 2007 10:19PM
...And by "Clan" you mean support group.
Bennyishere @ Oct 12th 2007 10:50PM
Won't someone think of the Achievements?
Oh, and about the difficulty part. You can just do the whole track on the side of the wall and shoot stuff from afar.
Yay, new Achievements!
nick @ Oct 12th 2007 11:36PM
"Yaris does nothing right, and everything wrong. Every element, from the graphics to the controls to the online play, is just busted."
I disagree with the "does...everything wrong" comment and "is busted."
First of, let me preface this by saying, it's not a great game. And there are issues with gameplay.
The whole concept of shooting from the hood of a Yaris is lost on me. I would have dropped that from the game, especially considering the Toyota branding. It could have worked so much better.
As a racer, it's mildly playable. There are obstacles and objectives that really don't make much sense. It does, however, seem to be a little more enjoyable if played in multiplayer.
Is it the worst game to ever grace the 360? No, that would be reserved for TotemBall, a game that should have never been released.
Is Yaris worth the price? Well, it's free. Since it's free, it's worth playing maybe once or twice, and grabbing some achievements along the way. Some of the achievements though, force you to play over and over again, which I suspect most will not attempt.
Sieged Eagle @ Oct 12th 2007 11:48PM
Hmm.... I don't even know what to say. Maybe I'm just lucky to live in Mexico so I couldn't have the chance to play this game(which shall remain so, and I'm glad), or else I would've thrown up.
blooh (CDF - Nipple Ring) @ Oct 12th 2007 11:59PM
you could make a profile "based" in america, if there was content not released in mexico. some people make japan accts to get jap stuff before it has to be translated, or whatnot
Trashman @ Oct 13th 2007 1:28AM
Where do you get this anyway?
ThornedVenom @ Oct 13th 2007 1:32AM
Advert gaming is still a very undeveloped concept. This proves it. Perhaps in the future, we could finally create a good compromise between company and consumer.
micheal82 @ Oct 13th 2007 1:41AM
Also the Cubs winning the world series for the next 5 year is more fun than the Yaris game (I'm a White Sox Fan this season was torture).
Shagittarius @ Oct 13th 2007 1:46AM
Well I downloaded Yaris last night but didn't get to play it. Today I turned on my 360 to be confronted by the RROD.
I can only assume the 360 was sparing me a fate worse than death by removing the chance I might have played Yaris.
A pop up message would have sufficed however.
mccomber @ Oct 13th 2007 2:43AM
Since this was already on my hard drive thanks to that auto-download feature, I decided to go ahead and give it a try. I think I made it through 2 levels, although the design (which doesn't seem like the right term since it implies planning and reason) makes it hard to tell if it was two separate levels, or just the same one with different enemies. Like those bicycle tires that leave flame stickers in their wake, hurting your vehicle. Which is ironic, seeing as this is the sort of car that's a match for stickers and plastic add-ons.
Anyway, I suddenly saw an achievement attributed to my name, and realized that I now had evidence of my indiscretion right there next to my name for all to see; the shame caused me to immediately shutdown the 360. Now to delete the game and add some proper Bioshock and Orange Box icons in a bid to bury my shame.
I will say this; as much as I had worried that I'd become one of those people chasing a gamerscore, blind to the "gaming" required to get it, the Yaris game has shown me that I haven't sunk so low as to play absolutely ANYTHING in order to add achievements to my gamercard. Thank you Toyota, for showing me that I still have hope.
mietha CAG @ Oct 13th 2007 3:39AM
Kudos for the Studio 60 reference. Why does every show worth a shit get canned (well, except for Heroes)? And yes, Yaris is from the very deepest pits of marketing hell.
TheKarmaPolice @ Oct 13th 2007 10:32AM
Hey! I drive a Yaris and happen to like it very much
:(
blooh (CDF - Nipple Ring) @ Oct 13th 2007 10:54AM
sucks to be you
TheKarmaPolice @ Oct 13th 2007 11:27AM
Trust me though, driving an actual Yaris is more fun than playing the game