Dark Messiah: Might and Magic Elements DLC: The Journals
by Justin McElroy 
{ Mar 11th 2008 at 1:30PM }
Day 1: Well, the team and I just shipped off Dark Messiah: Might and Magic Elements and we're going to start on the DLC while we await the reviews. People are going to love it!Day 7: Early reviews have been ... mixed. But we're trying hard to stay positive. We'll bet the true fans are just going to love the new maps, classes and weapons that we're creating. ... Right?
Day 14: Becky came in to give us the latest sales numbers today. "Seven," she said. After a while we asked her if she meant seven thousand or seven million. Then she sort of did this half cry and ran out of the room. Work continues.
Day 18: Work has slowed. Whatever map Sullivan's working on looks a lot like HotJobs.com's front page and Murdock just sort of lies on the floor and listens to Bright Eyes records. I've developed an affinity for Kessler Whiskey. "Smooth as silk" indeed.
Day 19: The FolkLore DLC team just sent over a really nice gift basket, but at the bottom was a baggie of cyanide capsules with a note that read "Just In Case." How strange.
Day 20: Our two new classes are the Paladin and the Warlock. In my darker moments, they represent the two sides of my psyche, one urging me to finish this madness, this DLC for no one and one urging me just to run. To run and to never look back.
Day 21: [No entry]
Day 23: I'm back, and I've just had the most amazing realization. This is hell. I'm in hell, and my punishment is to create downloadable content that no one will ever see. That's the only way out, you see. I have to finish it.
Day 26: We buried Murdock, today. I don't want to talk about it.
Day 27: There, Beezelbub. It's finished. Take your blood offering, put it on Xbox Live Marketplace for 400 points and leave me be.
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
Ronshatmycarl @ Mar 11th 2008 2:52PM
That was great!!
Pureshooter @ Mar 11th 2008 1:42PM
Absolutely hilarious.
Cyro @ Mar 11th 2008 2:18PM
+1 for Justin !
That was full of win. lol.
whymog @ Mar 11th 2008 1:42PM
4. Itchy. Tasty.
baby sea tuna @ Mar 11th 2008 1:48PM
10 million [+] for that truly masterful reference.
THE WICKER MAN (BWF) (GT: Dalek Prime) @ Mar 11th 2008 5:11PM
youre the big winner of the internets today! + + +
jordanr @ Mar 11th 2008 1:44PM
That was freaking hilarious. You rock Justin
Matt B @ Mar 11th 2008 1:44PM
I loved Dark messiah on the PC. Great sword play and the 'Rope Bow' was cool. Didn't really care to much about the plasmids...I mean magic.
I couldn't imagine playing it on a controller though.
NATO_Duke @ Mar 11th 2008 1:46PM
The controls were fine on the 360 - everything else was messed up. Besides, the game is far too linear feeling.
Organic_Shadow @ Mar 11th 2008 1:49PM
I loved the demo on PC, although the sneaking sucks compared to Oblivion. Still awesome though, and it's sad that this game is getting so much of a bad reputation from WHAT SEEMS LIKE the console version.
NATO_Duke @ Mar 11th 2008 1:45PM
Very funny.
The game was a rent and full of disappointment. I can't see wasting more money on DLC.
KindaGamey @ Mar 11th 2008 2:08PM
Well done. Thank god for bad games because if they were all good I wouldn't have time for drinking and getting booty.
Shagittarius @ Mar 11th 2008 3:54PM
"...I wouldn't have time for drinking and getting booty."
Your just making things up now.
jettoki @ Mar 11th 2008 2:00PM
This is in pretty poor taste.
jdeuel @ Mar 11th 2008 2:02PM
what's not in poor taste about a bunch of talentless would-be-writers-but-failed-at-that-and-blog-instead "editors" mocking people far more talented than them realizing their own creative visions, whether or not the masses enjoy them?
Justin McElroy @ Mar 11th 2008 2:14PM
Jdeuel, does your shift manager mind you using the Arby's computers for non-roast beef related activities?
Jerk Face @ Mar 11th 2008 2:17PM
Why do you two come here again?
Jerk Face @ Mar 11th 2008 2:18PM
I will act on your behalf this time, Justin, and award you the Justin McElroy Memorial Burn of the Day Award!
Great work!
Neon Jebus @ Mar 11th 2008 2:19PM
jdeuel,
As a male that works as an Administrative Assistant and joked with / made fun of many, many times over about how much of my work goes on 'below the desk' and in need of knee pads let me be the first to say that you need to lighten up.
Jerk Face @ Mar 11th 2008 2:21PM
Male Admin Assistants FTW!
What other job could we f*ck off as much as we do?
Matt B @ Mar 11th 2008 2:30PM
@ Jerk Face..
IT ;)
jettoki @ Mar 11th 2008 3:11PM
@ Jerk Face:
I come here, because I had some vague notion that Joystiq shared the integrity of EGM. I suppose I was misguided in that. DM:MME isn't the greatest game, but the developers did nothing to deserve this kind of mockery. You're free to vote my post into obscurity, but it won't change the fact that this article is in poor taste.
Neon Jebus @ Mar 11th 2008 3:28PM
Jettoki,
I've come to understand the difference between sites like Joystiq vs. website versions of print publications.
Sites like Joystiq often cover the news that one can read at another website. This recap of the news is accompanied with the bloggers views on said news event.
The point I'm trying to make is that if Justin was doing an interview with the developers and included this journal, it would be in poor taste. However if Justin offers up a satirical journal to flesh out a posting on Major Nelson's website which shows new content for DM:MME is available; well that is to add something to an otherwise easily forgettable piece of news.
Sam406 @ Mar 11th 2008 3:32PM
You could always... You know... NOT come here...
jettoki @ Mar 11th 2008 3:41PM
@ Neon Jebus:
I grasp the difference between a blog and a print publication, and I understand the need to flesh out an article that would otherwise contain no more than a news bite. But as a developer, I'm a little angered by the suggestion that I'd be any less passionate about my work just because my game was critically panned. Kudos to the DM:MME team for supporting the game they worked so hard on, in spite of naysayers.
@ Sam406:
Or I could have the guts to call it like I see it. I usually enjoy reading Joystiq. I'm not criticizing anyone for laughing - I just think the joke is in poor taste.
Shagittarius @ Mar 11th 2008 4:17PM
Justin that was a smooth cut...I'm almost willing to overlook your love of peggle after that...almost...
Kizzle @ Mar 11th 2008 4:33PM
@jettoki: "I come here, because I had some vague notion that Joystiq shared the integrity of EGM. "
You almost had me - I agree that this is a pretty lame "story." But if you're here because you want something like EGM, you're part of the problem. EGM is a joke. See ya.
Cal @ Mar 11th 2008 5:15PM
What, so only 3 people (those two and me) didn't find this in the least bit funny?
aaron_k7 @ Mar 11th 2008 2:12PM
I played Dark Messiah on computer; it was actually really fun until the last level, when the game engine stopped working. I'd like to think it was a Vista 64 problem, but why would the game only crash on the last level????
Hyams @ Mar 11th 2008 3:08PM
The game was riddled with bugs that made it unplayable for many people. It'd just crash at a certain point - usually at the end of the training level.
I was lucky enough that my laptop was able to play the entire game without crashing. :)
aaron_k7 @ Mar 11th 2008 3:43PM
Hyams -- that's cool; I had to watch the damn endings on Youtube. Once I went up the ladder from the sewers to the final level...crashville. I was super into the game at that point too.
player66 @ Mar 11th 2008 2:17PM
This post both lightens my heart with it's sheer bleakness and saddens me with it's familiarity. Justin, I say, "Well done, Sir!"
Twist @ Mar 11th 2008 2:20PM
I was really looking forward to this game until I played the demo. Seemed to me that it was close to being decent. I think it is one of those games that could have used just a few more months to get it polished up into something halfway respectable.
Roger @ Mar 11th 2008 2:30PM
funny story!
itsburnsie @ Mar 11th 2008 2:33PM
Sadly, this probably isn't too far from the truth.
Hilarious post, kudos.
Hyams @ Mar 11th 2008 3:06PM
I loved the game on PC. Sad to hear that the 360 port is so poor.
Carlitos Colon @ Mar 11th 2008 3:07PM
Wow that was one of the funniest entries I've ever seen on a gaming blog, EVAR! Keep up the good work, Justin. (until you get fired, that is)
Deck @ Mar 11th 2008 4:22PM
That was a wonderful craft of literary art Justin! Mad props to you!
Jake @ Mar 11th 2008 6:55PM
Honestly, one of the best articles I've read on this page.
Great work.
TWENTY6UHUNDRED @ Mar 12th 2008 1:08PM
I'm sure I'm alone here, but I actually liked DMMME single player. I finished it already and working through it a second time with the new DLC. Thanks for the Warlock and Paladin classes!!!!!!!!!