Zero Punctuation doesn't find paradise in Burnout

by Alexander Sliwinski { Mar 12th 2008 at 6:00PM }

Zero Punctuation takes a spin in Burnout Paradise this week and discovers that cars have taken over Paradise City and people are nowhere to be found. The main sticking point Yahtzee has with the game is that while Burnout Paradise has an open world like Grand Theft Auto, requiring the player to look at a map during a high-speed chase is a bit awkward. He realizes the game isn't designed for him, but rather for people who don't have time to play games and are too busy having carnal relations.

This week's NSFW review of Burnout Paradise, involving a joke about female menstruation and biscuit mutilation, can be found after the break.

[Thanks, Sam]

Tags: burnout-paradise, burnoutparadise, escapist, konami, paradise, theescapist, yahtzee, zero-punctuation, zeropunctuation

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)

packersrock15 @ Mar 12th 2008 6:09PM

Why the crap was he talking so slow? Do agree with the gripe about getting to the finish line anyway you want and, thus, having to use the minimap incessantly though.

Neebs @ Mar 12th 2008 7:19PM

To be honest, he was also talking with a little more intonation.

BananaBoat @ Mar 13th 2008 1:31AM

They got rid of crash mode...instant non-buy, up yours whoever developed the game (not just whoever published it).

That WAS burnout, and you F***ed it. Bravo

Laggy @ Mar 13th 2008 2:13AM

Crash mode was what I played Burnout for. The racing was purely a nice addition. Now they have that piece of shit mode where the car continually rolls defying just about every law of physics.

arrrgh @ Mar 13th 2008 11:56AM

I guess you kids didn't like the "showtime" mode?

jdeuel @ Mar 12th 2008 6:10PM

I wish there was a site dedicated to Zero Punctuation, and maybe a Really Simple way to Syndicate it.

Oh shit guys I found one!

FraGNeM @ Mar 12th 2008 6:42PM

Clever.

But does your RSS have a Joystiq-community-filled comment section?

XGM @ Mar 13th 2008 12:08AM

You mean something like this feed://www.escapistmagazine.com/rss/articles/editorials/zeropunctuation ?

Its not that hard looking on his site you know...

D_Average @ Mar 12th 2008 6:12PM

Most accurate Paradise review thus far.

Platinum_Skeet @ Mar 12th 2008 6:38PM

Best reference of Atomica ever. I don't think anyone to this day can understand why he was in the game...

ill trooper @ Mar 12th 2008 6:14PM

igussthisisfunnyforaspellbutIfindmyselfnotreallywatchinganymore,likewhenthatgirlyouthoughtwashotstartslikingyoubutyoulearnshe'satotaldorksoyougottadistanceyourself.thanksforthefuntimestho,zero

danny. @ Mar 12th 2008 6:15PM

How can a guy be so sensitive about race issues in a game where no one else noticed them make fun of the holocaust and downs syndrome children and still be liked? He certainly does get to have it both ways I suppose.

AoE @ Mar 12th 2008 6:30PM

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/White_guilt

ThornedVenom (Harley Quinn Defense Force) @ Mar 12th 2008 6:34PM

Because he has enough mental aptitude and humour to get over that historical drama, whose victims are barely still alive nowadays, instead of turning it into some sort of sacred institution which would continue to hold us back instead moving on...

And also because it's supposed to be a satirical game review.

danny. @ Mar 12th 2008 6:35PM

I thought the same thing... I didn't realise the British suffered from that as much, though now that I think about it, it certainly makes sense.

JakubK666 @ Mar 12th 2008 7:06PM

I'm Polish and I'm still enjoying the review.

What gives YOU the right to bitch about Death Camps? It happened but there's no point in acting like it didn't(commonly known as Nazi Syndrome).We've got to move on.

danny. @ Mar 12th 2008 7:18PM

I was pointing out an inconsistency not bitching. I'm not standing on a pedestal. I would rather watch a review like this one than one where he cries racism. I get the joke folks, I did not say I was offended.

Mills and Boom @ Mar 12th 2008 7:35PM

Danny is sick.

Danny has nazi syndrome.

Ethan @ Mar 12th 2008 9:03PM

God, chaplin was a dick.

danny. @ Mar 12th 2008 9:17PM

By that logic, since slavery has no surviving victims that should be even easier to make fun of.

Anyway, I get it. Yatzee is still unquestionable. Can I at least say that the AVGN has gone downhill?

Joystix Iz brokes! Mah posts is all pales.

mergedwarrior @ Mar 12th 2008 11:28PM

Hey asshat, he is an Australian.

Nick Ritch @ Mar 13th 2008 12:19AM

Damn that Charlie Chaplin and his Nazi Regime.

dizzy @ Mar 12th 2008 6:32PM

his speech really has slowed down in comparison to his older videos, like the Heavenly Sword demo/Res Evil 5 review.

Nice review though, I did enjoy running over old people in Carmeggedon.

umm....hello??? @ Mar 12th 2008 6:40PM

hellzyea....Carmageddon was awesome. I've substituted it with the GTA series though...now I can run people over, trash their cars, beat them down or shoot them with some weapons. Mass chaos!!

Ihavepants @ Mar 12th 2008 8:14PM

Was Carmageddon ever banned? I don't think it was in Australia.

I running everyone down in the football field.

t_m @ Mar 13th 2008 10:29AM

i think everyone was zombies in germany..

Poisoned Al @ Mar 12th 2008 6:56PM

You don't get rid of a world of killer cars by trying to make them crash. You breed giant, atomic cats!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8TpH79Q7dh4

Stevo @ Mar 12th 2008 8:02PM

You get +1 for a freaking awesome avatar :P

joshua @ Mar 12th 2008 7:00PM

Does Yahtzee know about the navigation system which flashes the road signs which point to the general route (of course, shortcuts are there too)? You don't actually NEED to look at your road map... ever. It helps in the beginning but as you learn the city it becomes easier just to rely on the navigation system and intuition.

I realize the navigation system is not great (a Crazy Taxi-like arrow would be best, but Sega has a patent on it), but it works okay.

Poisoned Al @ Mar 12th 2008 7:04PM

Yes, but you quickly find out that's useless becuase it always gives you the shortest route, not the fastest one.

wickedpheonix @ Mar 12th 2008 8:22PM

If you're smart and play the offline game before the online game, you don't need to find the quickest one. All the burning routes can be completed on the recommended routes (and on the longer ones, sometimes even with a crash or two) and the AI is generally at the right speed - you will start crashing if you get ahead, and they will start crashing if they get ahead, so it all evens out WITHOUT the need for any shortcuts. Shortcuts are primarily for online play once you move all the way up the ladder and that's really about it - and if you go through the offline play first (as you should - else you only have shitty cars online) then you will know all the shortcuts down pat because it's impossible NOT to know them all that well after putting at least a good 20-50 hours into the game depending on skill level.

Good review altogether, other than the points above I agree that the takedown/wreck cam gets annoying after a while and I LOVE the Atomica theory - only other thing I have to say is that Criterion said that there are no people in the game because it would have made the game rated at least T and they want as many sales as possible (especially because parents are dying to find appropriate games for their kids and there aren't nearly as many full-length E games (not talking arcade/PSN here) as there are M games).

joshua @ Mar 12th 2008 9:10PM

Poisoned Al, right, that is what I mean by intuition. The whole point of the game is to learn the routes. As wickedphoenix points out, the routes they give you are totally workable in singleplayer.

I dunno, it seems weird he harped on this issue in the without even acknowledging the navigation system (which is there so you don't have to look at the map). Even if it was just to say he thought it sucked. Just an odd omission from a guy who is usually so clever and observant.

Robobagins @ Mar 12th 2008 7:03PM

The "I Am Legend-ish" description of Paradise is the best ever.

Robobagins @ Mar 12th 2008 7:03PM

The "I Am Legend-ish" description of Paradise is the best ever.

Anam @ Mar 12th 2008 7:11PM

While not necessarily the most funny review he's done, that's probably my favorite in actually having good points and not whining about small crap or personal taste, such as when he takes 30 seconds to shit on JRPGs for seemingly no reason other than "I don't like anime style or turn-based combat."

Anyway, good review.

Rabidkeebler @ Mar 12th 2008 7:17PM

YAY! He is being vulgar again! I was worried since the last few were either bleeped or vaguely censored.

Hooray for NSFW!

Alex @ Mar 12th 2008 7:54PM

I like how at the end he did say that if your the person who would like this type of game, then you'll like the game.

t_m @ Mar 13th 2008 10:31AM

Yah... but he also said you are the kind of guy who used to hang around in the McDonalds Carpark in Swindon with your tricked out Ford Fiesta and think you were cool...

Akukami @ Mar 12th 2008 7:54PM

It breaks flow...it breaks flow...IT BREAKS FLOW!

*mind blown*

SoxFan13 @ Mar 12th 2008 8:07PM

He's funny, but can't be the only choice for actual reviews. You're either going to like the open-ended city, or you're not. That's basically the main issue. I personally DO like it. I feel like after a couple of hours I know the city well enough to make good decisions about which way to go.

Replica23 @ Mar 13th 2008 7:35AM

Yeah, that's something lost on most people though. They just keep bitching about having to look at the map.

Schuey19 @ Mar 12th 2008 8:25PM

Surprised he didn't mention my biggest gripe with the game... NO CRASHBREAKER!!!
That's the one thing I always loved about Burnout, and without it it just doeen't feal the same :(

RabbidMickeyMouse @ Mar 12th 2008 10:06PM

Regardless of the complaints, its not as though very many people have someone in mind that could do what he does any better. People are simply knit-picking.

Anyhow, great video.

hvnlysoldr @ Mar 12th 2008 10:50PM

Wish he had thrown a APPROACHING SOUND BARRIER but I guess it ran its course.

Jonah Falcon @ Mar 13th 2008 1:41AM

I myself reviewed Burnout Paradise - one of the few negative reviews out there - and I was aghast it received so many positive reviews. The reviews all sounded like the reviewer spent one hour on the single player, and played multi with the devs for a while.

http://www.gamestooge.com/2008/02/07/review-burnout-paradise-360-ps3/

I emailed my review URL to Ben, without much comment. I was more critical of the design elements than he is in the video review, if you can believe it.

Jonah Falcon @ Mar 13th 2008 1:42AM

Oh, I emailed it a few weeks ago, I mean.

Nick @ Mar 13th 2008 3:07AM

haha, did anyone notice the bit at the end after the credits?? he makes a statement about the camera angle "yes i know there's a first person camera as well but that doesn't solve the of getting blinded by high definition lighting effects" lol
i personally hate the over the car view, i normally don't like it anyway but i liked it in burnout but it sucks in paradise, i kept havin to hold the thumbstick in a tilted angle. its a pretty good game though, i love the free roaming aspect

OTAM @ Mar 13th 2008 3:48AM

I used to dig these reviews,but they arent funny to me anymore to be honest. 99% of them are negative reviews unless it's a game made by a huge,elite,AAA studio.

Ahrel @ Mar 13th 2008 5:28AM

That's the point.

I love the reviews, even when he totally knocks a game I dig. He's a comic. A brilliant one if you ask me. Like George Carling complainnig about something, but not just making **** up, actually complaining about things just about everyone who experienced it has thought of as well. But saying it so eloquently, and working in hilarious metaphor's that it works to make me giggle my *** off.

Replica23 @ Mar 13th 2008 7:34AM

He's ripping on a game he doesn't like (cool, everyone is entitled) but I honestly don't think he gets some of the design choices made in Paradise. And there ain't anything worse (in opinion) than someone ripping on something they obviously don't get. It's really quite simple, if you want to explore the city and get a general idea of its layout you'll probably enjoy Paradise, otherwise you'll likely hate it.

I like the dude and find most of his stuff funny, but there ain't much I dislike more than someone ranting and ripping on something they obviously just don't get. Paradise isn't without its faults but half the crap he rambled-off in this episode felt more like grasping at straws for a game he didn't care for rather than genuine criticism.

PS. And it really wasn't that funny this time.

| 1 | 2 | Most Recent | Next 50 Comments