Japanese hardware sales, June 16 - June 22: Summer blockbuster edition

by Griffin McElroy @http://twitter.com/griffinmcelroy on Jun 29th 2008 9:00PM

With all the recent buzz surrounding big-budget film adaptations of major video game licenses, we began to wonder -- if films based off of games can find funding with movie production companies, why couldn't a film based off of a video game news column? As our minds began to race with thoughts of cross-promotional T-shirts and licensed cereals, we recklessly ran to our laptops, and wrote out a hasty plot synopsis for "Japanese Hardware Sales: The Movie". We're pretty proud of it, and the agent we hired at a local flea market is convinced we can eventually squeeze a trilogy out of the initial concept. Don't worry, gentle readers. We won't forget you when we make it to the big time.

The still night air wafting over the Hardware district of the bustling metropolis of Salesbury, Japan, is punctuated with the crackle of gunfire. The town's many residents realize with a start that Sunday's midnight hour has come, and quickly retreat into their bullet-riddled homesteads. From the shadows of the city's seemingly endless alleyways emerge the six gangs who fight weekly for the unspoken control of Salesbury: the powerful reigning champs known as the "Park Street Pistols", the young and lively contenders known simply as "The Wii-vils", the once invincible "DoorStep Lighteners", the mercenaries of "The Third Order of Private Soldiers", their once-parent organization "The Second Order of Private Soldiers", and the mysterious, poorly-funded outfit known as "The Xterminators of 360th Street".

Who will come out on top at the end of this four-hour-long cinematic masterwork? Only time, and the purchasing habits of the people of Japan, will tell. Starring Samuel L. Jackson as Coolidge, the leader of the Park Street Pistols; Kevin James as Archie, his carefree sidekick; Rose McGowan as Belladonna, the feisty captain of The Wii-vils, and a guy who kinda looks like Bruce Vilanch as the menacing "Red Arrow".

- PSP: 59,351