We've grown quite content to simply sit on our fat surpluses and crank out Japanese hardware sales charts to the enraptured masses week after week -- however, the all-important figures you see at the bottom of every entry seem to always get lost in a maelstrom of eloquent prose. We thought long and hard about how to improve the format of these posts without changing the time-tested formula that has served us so well over the years -- surprisingly, we decided to take a cue from the MMO market. Yes, after months of silent development, we're proud to announce the first ever expansion to this distinguished feature: Japanese Hardware Sales: Rise of the Lavender Fluke.
This exciting addition is currently in ultra-secret closed epsilon testing, and the feedback we've been receiving has been entirely positive. Well, except for all the complaints, bug reports, vulgar e-mails, death threats, and one actual attempt on our lives. Aside from that, we're pretty optimistic that we can hit the Q1 2009 release date we set for ourselves -- though our development team mistook Q1 2009 to mean "one quinquennium from 2009", so it should actually be arriving sometime in 2014. Trust us, it's worth it.
We've got the full list of updates and changes featured in JHS:RotLF posted after the jump. Make sure you check them out -- but not before paying your dues to the facts and figures posted below. We would hate for you to miss any of the excitement.
- PSP: 67,452
6,572 (8.88%)- DS Lite: 56,968
2,437 (4.47%) - Wii: 41,024
221 (0.54%)- PS3: 10,692
561 (4.99%) - PS2: 9,291
244 (2.56%)- Xbox 360: 4,941
733 (17.42%)[Source: Media Create]
See: The pre-expansion archives
- The titular "Lavender Fluke" will be introduced into the weekly sales charts. This rogue operative will occasionally attempt to usurp the reigning powers of the Red and Green Arrows, noting when console sales go neither up nor down -- but rather, slightly northeast.
- Level cap lowered to 31. Commenters above level 31 will have their profiles swiftly erased, and will be forced to start over again.
- Commenters who type the word "Butterscotch" when replying to Japanese hardware sales posts will no longer spontaneously burst into flames.
- Every post will be accompanied by an audio version of that week's sales charts, as narrated by Maya Angelou.
- Sales figures for the Virtual Boy, R-Zone and Game.Com will be added to the weekly chart.
- Every third post will be written while the author is remarkably inebriated.
- The font size for the weekly sales chart will be increased to 128, and the font style changed to Lucinda Sans Unicode.
- Every post will now also include Icelandic hardware sales charts. Hvernig Æsandi!
- Due to the amount of labor going into the expansion (not to mention the bloated salary of Mrs. Angelou), readers will be charged a subscription fee for reading the Japanese/Icelandic hardware sales. Readers can either pay a monthly fee of $14.99 to read that month's posts, or can elect to pay $3.7475 to read only the post from that week.
- Punctuation usage, will increase -- Two-hundred, and forty-four percent!!!
