And then kill yourself immediately, please. We suggest taking your copy of Celebrity Sports Showdown
, EA Canada's zeitgeist fart and 12-sport minigame miasma, and wedging it vertically between a few issues of Teeny Bopper Monthly
before leaping into it, face first, using the mound of self-pity you've buried yourself in over the years as a diving platform. Trust us, it'll be less damaging to your dignity than spending this holiday cruising over icy bumps with the mistress of lady lumps.
Don't worry, there's still time to turn your life around. Snap that elastic band on your wrist every time you reach out to a second-rate celebrity in a Wii sports video game, even one that promises a who's who and a who cares of popular culture. If you see an unnervingly rendered Keith Urban, Nelly Furtado or LeAnn Rimes beckoning you to enjoy inner-tubing, wild water canoeing, curling or anything involving "the ultimate party experience," turn the other way and flee.