Joystiq

Got any exciting plans for this coming Thursday? Perhaps you've got front row tickets for a Black Eyed Peas concert. Maybe you're meeting your biological father for the first time in your life, a result of him faking his death to escape a hefty mob debt while you were a toddler. Perhaps you've enrolled in Afro-Cuban disco step funk classes at your local community college. Maybe you simply plan on tending to your piñata garden, reclining in the swaying shade of the monkeynut trees. All those sound great -- which is why it gives us a heavy heart to inform you that none of those things, not your estranged progenitor, your community college, your precious piñatas, or Will.i.am, will exist on Thursday.

The Large Hadron Collider, a sixteen-mile long, seven story tall ring of death which straddles the border of Germany and Switzerland, will see to that. We're not exactly sure what it does, but we are fairly certain of a few things -- for instance, we know that despite its colossal size, it runs almost entirely on car batteries and hubris. We also know that it's the world's biggest particle collider, and that trying to shoot one particle into another from miles away is pretty difficult. Oh, also, we know that during its inaugural run this Wednesday, it's going to create a sustainable black hole that's going to devour mankind, the Milky Way galaxy, and Will.i.am.

Sure, the eight-thousand physicists that have worked on the project have assured mankind that the odds of that last event occuring are approximately one-in-a-thrillion -- but of course they would say that. We know the truth, and have already begun selling our automobiles, gaming systems, and houses to afford a sturdy craft that will carry us far from the gravity well's sinister reach. Unfortunately, we're pretty certain we bought a 1974 Gremlin wrapped in duct tape with a jumbo-size roman candle tucked into the tailpipe. We'll let you know how it works out for us.

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[Source: Media Create]

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