Army of Two crotch-hoisting its way to the big screen
by Christopher Grant 
{ Oct 24th 2008 at 10:26AM } 
EA: "Hey, so ... we have this game, right? Army of Two. The one with the fist-bumping meatheads with the death masks? We think it would make a great motion picture!"
Hollywood: "... Are you totally high?"
Despite having nothing going for it, EA somehow managed to convince Universal to bring the oh-so-forgettable, crotch-hoisting, buddy-cop antics of Army of Two's [generic character A] and [generic character B] to the silver screen.
Writer slash director slash producer slash sucker Scott Z. Burns will bring the future Oscar contender to the screen using all the tricks he learned co-writing The Bourne Ultimatum, The Informant, and co-producing An Inconvenient Truth. Burns gushes, "I'm thrilled that EA and Universal see the potential to make a smart thriller that has real implications in the world we live in today." Wow, we were totally thinking the same thing!
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)
Sub Zero @ Oct 24th 2008 10:32AM
Looks like Uwe Boll may finally have some competition.
Fernando Rocker @ Oct 24th 2008 10:32AM
I'm too old for this shit...
Bondtastic @ Oct 24th 2008 12:15PM
We need more than 3 stars for that one.
Esat Dedezade @ Oct 24th 2008 10:33AM
So the Halo movie gets canned while an abomnation like this comes to fruition?
tmacairjordan87 @ Oct 24th 2008 10:52AM
In fairness, it's highly likely both would have been an abomination.
Esat Dedezade @ Oct 24th 2008 10:55AM
Perhaps, but I'd be willing to bet that more people would pay to see the Halo movie than this.
At least if you watch all of the cut scenes from all three games in order you have some resemblance to a fairly entertaining and engaging story, which appears to be more than you can say for Army of Two!
Mr Khan @ Oct 24th 2008 11:01AM
Halo could've been good if they had incorporated more of the lore and background
Army of 2 is all about two guys killing enemies
Yourself @ Oct 24th 2008 11:44AM
I don't think this has come any farther in production than the Halo movie did. With luck, it will fall to the same fate.
PSN: johnnynumber5 @ Oct 24th 2008 12:48PM
Semms C.Grant has an axe to grind with Army Of Two. I admit that the story was nothing overly special (the concept is great though) but the game turned out to be very good and was in fact something different.
This movie has potential because the core concept that is there can work. A buddy mercinary pseudo dark comedy about killing terrorist could turn out to be pretty good.
As usual with video game adaptations this will not resemble the game in any capacity except for mabe the title and the main characters ... and the gold plated guns
Usually this stuff works in reverse. We would normally see a shitty game based on a movie release at the same time. Now, we might get a shitty movie based off a good game by the time Army Of Two: Iraq releases.
It can't be worse than the new GI Joe movie thats dropping next summer.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1046173/
Hopefully Army Of Two The Movie will not have all of the characters wearing tight black leather.
I think Dead Space would have made a better movie but the concept could turn out to be better than expected.
captain underpants and the bringdown gang @ Oct 25th 2008 10:18PM
what can I say? money talks.
Erluti @ Oct 24th 2008 10:41AM
Do we watch the same movies that hollywood makes?
Hollywood would probably reply, "BRILLIANT!"
nightmare452 @ Oct 24th 2008 10:57AM
Did he just called Army of Two's plot as "a smart thriller" ?????!!!!!!!
I loved Army of Two (still play it actually), but I would love for some people to at least do a "little" research when saying stuff about plots the know 100% nothing about. Just youtube a video of the game, it would only take you 5 minutes!!.
That being said, if the plot is changed a little, it could be an interesting movie of sorts...
Tiptup300 @ Oct 24th 2008 12:21PM
I thought there was going to be a homosexual twist at the end.
I'm not disappointed, just surprised. >_>
aristokrat @ Oct 24th 2008 1:40PM
If they merely use the game as a starting off point, there's no reason this can't be made into an interesting plot. PMC's are real, and they are somewhat shady and not very well understood. A movie could play off that to show the potential dangers of engaging in wars where money is your only incentive.
Dirty @ Oct 24th 2008 11:07AM
Its not like everyone movie that comes out has to be this brilliant piece of art. Sometime I just want to see a couple of guys blowing shit up. Live Free or Die Hard was a great movie with a lame plot.
Whatever.
xFenixKnightx @ Oct 24th 2008 11:13AM
Ao2 wasnt THAT generic, I actually enjoyed it. If it wasn't for the sucky/laggy/boring/lame MP I would still have mine for 360. The campaign was quite fun actually. Especially with a buddy online. I bought it again but on PS3 for my kids since there is no GOW on there thats what they wanted. They cant get enough of the split-screen co-op campaign.
Air Guitar FTW!!
Mechanical @ Oct 24th 2008 11:56AM
Duh nuh nuh duh nuh nuh!
God, the vocalizations are GREAT.
Hiro_Suri @ Oct 24th 2008 11:14AM
Don't you all understand?! It's genius!
Good games get made into bad movies! So the reverse must me true! A boring, forgettable and nothing special game will be made into a MASTERPIECE OF CINEMA!
It's BRILLIANT!
Pathie @ Oct 24th 2008 11:17AM
You're forgetting the Bloodrayne films.
Sarge @ Oct 24th 2008 11:18AM
Army of Two was average game. I played it through twice. It had the potential to be great. The story underdeveloped. More depth and less cheese, could have made the characters good. The game was flawed , but a sequel can be improved. A movie would not be bad. It wont be Transformers of Dark Knight, but it could turn out a solid action flick.
dark_inchworm @ Oct 24th 2008 11:36AM
Surely you didn't just compare Transformers and The Dark Knight.
PSN: johnnynumber5 @ Oct 24th 2008 1:10PM
I don't see what people have against the Transformers movie. What more could have been done with that back story and those characters. I thought Transformers was every bit as enjoyable as was The Dark Knight. In fact, were it not for Heath Ledger & Aaron Eckhart performaces the movie would have been much much worse.
I loved both movies. I enjoyed both of them for what they were. I even went to see Transformers 2 times in theatres.
It's hard to make something good and plausible that comes from childrens toys, video games and comics. Here are two perfect examples of movies that we all want but that will probably suck hard.
GI Joe
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1046173/
Thundercats
http://thundercats-the-movie.net/
I thought that Transformers and The Dark Knight captured the essence of what those two worlds are and were.
ill trooper @ Oct 24th 2008 1:19PM
"I don't see what people have against the Transformers movie."
Maybe that's why you like it?
dark_inchworm @ Oct 24th 2008 11:18AM
Why are they trying to make us give a shit about this franchise?
Ranus Studios @ Oct 24th 2008 11:23AM
I like where this thread is going.
Duke @ Oct 24th 2008 11:37AM
Army of Two = smart thriller? I feel like my head may explode!
theturtle363 @ Oct 24th 2008 11:52AM
well, although the game's plot did really suck, it actually good have made a pretty great statement about war and business and all that
PSN: johnnynumber5 @ Oct 24th 2008 1:14PM
It could be a powerful statement about paid mercnaries in war (like blackwater)and still have over the top action and entertainment value.
I just hope the characters aren't as dumb and empty as they were in the game.
The game is probably the best co-op experience you can have online with just 1 extra buddy.
Erik Stroud @ Oct 24th 2008 3:09PM
As long as the acting isn't bad and there is a lot of action, this could end up good. Though, I think CG would be better just because I like Elliot and would like him to be in the movie.
ScottG13 @ Oct 24th 2008 11:48AM
Army of Two is fairly average to solid as a single player game. As a co-op game, it really jumps up a notch. Its ridiculous fun and can even be pretty strategic, yet accessible. A great value at $20 or so these days.
xFenixKnightx @ Oct 24th 2008 11:56AM
And if you order within the first 10 minutes we'll give you another copy *FREE! Yes, you heard that right folks, *ABSOLUTELY FREE!! All you do is pay for extra shipping.
:P
ScottG13 @ Oct 24th 2008 12:02PM
That would be a sweet deal. Hell, this game should only be sold in 2 packs so you can play co-op with a "bro."
Duke @ Oct 24th 2008 12:05PM
Who you callin' bro, bro?!
Actually, I got a copy of this used from gamfly and have yet to play it. Wanna see if the coop is fun one of these days.
ScottG13 @ Oct 24th 2008 12:09PM
If you have it for 360, Duke, add me and we'll co-op brodeo through it some time.
Duke @ Oct 24th 2008 12:12PM
Sure thing. This weekend is all about Fable though. Its been sitting on the table for a few days waiting to be unwrapped. Weeeeeee!
(Posted 2x because reply system made by satan.)
ScottG13 @ Oct 24th 2008 12:17PM
No kidding. Fable, Saints Row, Dead Space and then Fallout next week and then Resistance/Gears and then and then and then... yeah.
Just Mr ESC. @ Oct 24th 2008 12:18PM
I bought recently and well you have to love the way you can reenact a 3 stooge’s episode with just the Right trigger.
Mechanical @ Oct 24th 2008 11:55AM
When I said I was looking forward to more Army of Two, this wasn't what I meant....
Duke @ Oct 24th 2008 12:11PM
Sure thing. This weekend is all about Fable though. Its been sitting on the table for a few days waiting to be unwrapped. Weeeeeee!
Just Mr ESC. @ Oct 24th 2008 12:15PM
Actually the game itself was cheesey enoguh to turn into a movie but then again I'm sure they will find a way to make it suck big time.
Just Mr ESC. @ Oct 24th 2008 12:16PM
Dammit a bit of dislexya there.
ObiBen @ Oct 24th 2008 12:20PM
lol, I love photoshop.
kbomb1upc @ Oct 24th 2008 12:49PM
Why all the hate? I liked ARMY of Two. It felt sort of like the old days of Contra but like on steroids, crotch grabbing and bad aiming. The best part was the online multiplayer. Since me and my brother both are married and live in different houses now, this was the perfect game for us to re-live those old co-op days. Yeah the story line was cheesy and so was the acting but the game was fun.
But as long as the movie involves stuff getting blown up, it might be good. Like Tango & Cash.
KiraXD @ Oct 24th 2008 1:02PM
if this goes the same route as Shoot Em Up... then it has EVERYTHING going for it. I think im the only one who really enjoyed the nonsensical dialogue and action of the game. XD
KiraXD @ Oct 24th 2008 1:07PM
ok me and kbomb1upc are the ony TWO who enjoyed the game lol
PSN: johnnynumber5 @ Oct 24th 2008 1:16PM
3!
xFenixKnightx @ Oct 24th 2008 1:32PM
4!
Mechanical @ Oct 24th 2008 2:25PM
Hey, you forgot me!
Bass Masterson @ Oct 24th 2008 1:20PM
I'm just trying to imagine what actor would sound natural and NOT ridiculous when they, in the middle of a firefight, randomly spout off "Hey, who's your favorite rapper in the Wu Tang Clan? You know, that group that was popular like 15 years ago?"
Superstar90 @ Oct 24th 2008 1:52PM
They'll probably get Bruce Willis or Vin Diesel to do it for free.