CES 2009: Best. Controller. Ever.
"More than a control pad,,,a legend!"
<disclaimer> The previous and following (after the break!) text was copied verbatim -- odd spacing and all -- from the back description and product manual of the Dragon Fire Breather game controller, which we and our friends at Engadget found and bought for $1 at the CES international hall. We are not transcribing this to try to offend anyone and, yeah, we know this is probably not the manufacturers' first language -- probably not its language at all -- but we are in fact very fascinated with how the translation process works.
Every chosen word does make sense, just not in the context we are used to. Plus, "mucilanginous" is a very funny word, and if you look carefully, you'll notice World of Warcraft's title screen art.
The official US name is "USB Dragon Dual Shock Scary Gamepad" (with 12-button and 2 analog sticks) and is available from DealExtreme for $27.37. It also comes in ninja and pirate variants. </end disclaimer>
"Dragon" Monster Handspike Use Manual
Model: TP-U03
Model: TP-U03
"Thanks for your purchasing of our company' sproduct-handspike, It adopts high capability CMOS technique, no need to connect power outside, standard computer USB port, please check the package before disconnecting and read the use instruction carefully.
- The instruction of product function
- The shape design of "dragon" monster, larruping, more horror and more excited in the game.
- USB port, combine USB1.0/USB2.0, support hot inserting and drawing, once insert it, use it.
- Support Win98/Winme/Win2000/WinXP system, 32/64 CPU
- Support over Driect7.0 edition, support PC power feedback game, Mainframe and net game.
- Transfer digital and simulate model arbitraily, supper strong dual vibration function .
- Program function, can make handspike button as keyboard button, use two rockers of handspike as mouse, then it is controlled by the product but not key mouse completely.
- Support the function of key TURBO/CLEAR.
- Attention
- Do not put them in the concourses of warm, wet, and strong light.
- Do not make liquid and other different things into the products.
- Do not pull strong products' down-lead pins excessively.
- Do not use strong canker or mucilanginous liquid to brush the products.
- You can pay attention to time and methods are subject to personal instance.
- System commend
- Over CPU266M
- Over RAM64M
- With USB port.
- Windows 9x/Win2000/WinXP system, over SVGA 256 colors.
- WIN98 SETUP
- Open package insert the enclosed driver(disk) into CD-ROM of your computer mainframe, and open "SETUP" to install.
- Then you will see the picture bellow, press "Next" .
- Press "Finish" to finish software setup, picture bellow:
- Disconnect the product USB prick, insert USB portal into your computer USB portal, then your computer will show the new hardware, and press "Next" , picture bellow:
- Press order as bellow: (Annotation : then, you may need to provide WIN98 setup disk, then press "Next" Press "accomplishment" ,installation is over ( attention: you can first install USB mainframe portal set<the product>, then install driver, no meter of the order.
- WIN2000/XP installation. In WIN2000/XP system, installation is easier, hardware steup automatically, software installation is the same as WIN98.
- Button enactment process:
- Hardware and software installation as above.
- Open game console as pecture bellow,
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)
Moptimus Slime (Leader of the Ryan Scott Defense Force, A Wurr? My Burr) @ Jan 12th 2009 8:10PM
reminds me of that Chainsaw controller for RE4 on the 'Cube
Strategy_Panda (The Sandwich Poisoning Crew) @ Jan 12th 2009 8:10PM
yea................................................................................
Lee @ Jan 12th 2009 8:12PM
Maybe...
No. Looks too heavy and it's still not a Nintendo direction pad.
They fix those and I'm good to go.
PSN: Erdie @ Jan 12th 2009 8:14PM
Mmm, supper strong dual vibration function. My favorite!
da governator @ Jan 12th 2009 11:11PM
Do not make liquid explosion in controller, only stomach.
Rocketboy @ Jan 13th 2009 1:30PM
Great, now i'm starvin.
OhJustSomeRandomGuy @ Jan 12th 2009 8:16PM
Odd that this is a post making fun of the grammar of someone else, and then you tagged the post with "mosnter".
Anyway, this craptastic controller's been around since E3 2006 or so. Nothing better than sharp analog sticks!
Shmil @ Jan 12th 2009 8:40PM
I'm willing to bet that mosnter was misspelled on purpose.
Autopsy15 @ Jan 12th 2009 9:04PM
Don't you mean "porpuse"?
Puffles @ Jan 13th 2009 4:48AM
They're making fun of grammar? What grammar? I fail to see any grammar in that entire manual.
Dr Jeckyl and Mr ESC. @ Jan 12th 2009 9:23PM
Ha ha you'r gramer sucks.
(Forced Irony added for comical effect)
BigD145 @ Jan 13th 2009 2:18AM
I'll take my porpoise on rye.
markhill66 @ Jan 12th 2009 8:17PM
"Once insert it, use it." LAWLZ!
MuToiD_MaN @ Jan 12th 2009 9:31PM
THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!!!
Dr Jeckyl and Mr ESC. @ Jan 12th 2009 10:14PM
Your sister?
Metal Gear!? @ Jan 12th 2009 8:28PM
I love how they tagged the story with the legendary "mosnter" tag, which can be used only once every thousand years.
Bean and Germ must never mate, it is written on this grape!
Meh286 @ Jan 12th 2009 11:12PM
Haha ATHF.
nutman @ Jan 12th 2009 8:29PM
Its for the PC but it looks like a 360 controller(button layout, dpad etc) minus the Xbox button?
Shmil @ Jan 12th 2009 8:41PM
It looks more like the original xbox controller, not the duke but the smaller ones
vidGuy @ Jan 12th 2009 8:41PM
Looks like an XBOX S controller, notice the black and white buttons?
I'm still trying to figure out what a warm, wet, and strong light would be like. Warm and strong I get, but wet? :)
Kevin949 @ Jan 12th 2009 8:44PM
Nope, it's an original xbox controller, not 360. See the black and white buttons?
nutman @ Jan 12th 2009 9:28PM
Ah I see...I missed those black and white buttons :P
Actually now that I look closer at it that D-Pad is almost exactly like the D-pad of the original fat Xbox controller. That's worse than the 360 one...
AwesomeTown @ Jan 12th 2009 8:39PM
You know it's awesome when it has the awesome tag of approval. Also the glowing mouth.
BPMOmega [gamertag] @ Jan 12th 2009 8:43PM
Best. Manual. Ever.
Brazell @ Jan 12th 2009 8:50PM
Ok where can I buy this ... and said mucilaginous liquid?
Wiinterfang @ Jan 12th 2009 8:58PM
The best controller ever possess those features.
Fire,Pirates,Dragons,Ninjas,Dinosaurs,Robots,Thunder,
Mustache and Tits.
So closed.
slycooper_rocker [patapon defence force] @ Jan 13th 2009 4:56AM
you forgot zombies and chainsaws and chuck norris.
Foetoid @ Jan 13th 2009 8:23AM
How could you forget Bert Newton!
Superstar90 @ Jan 12th 2009 9:01PM
LOL!
This belongs on Engrish.com
vectorelement @ Jan 12th 2009 9:01PM
"The previous and following (after the break!) text was copied verbatim -- odd spacing and all"
You guys forgot the double space between "larruping," and "more".
lee @ Jan 12th 2009 9:03PM
just awful, ridiculous
Puffles @ Jan 12th 2009 9:06PM
The translations would be two or three times better if they had simply used Google Translate.
Puffles @ Jan 12th 2009 9:11PM
(By "better," I mean more accurate, not more amusing. I definitely prefer the manual the way it is.)
Markez (Anti-Panda Death Murder Squadron) @ Jan 12th 2009 9:06PM
The dragon fire control regulator is you can use defeats the evil devil to attack your one strong and the formidable weapon. For noble 360 use these people who the controller will conquer will seek harms you and occupies the overwhelming superiority!
Wiinterfang @ Jan 12th 2009 9:09PM
AVAST YE DEMON!
tmo4life @ Jan 12th 2009 9:10PM
Oh man, 80s and earlier instruction manuals for every piece of electronic equipment were JUST like this. Classic. "Disconnect the product USB prick"... did you purchase this upstairs?
Sam @ Jan 12th 2009 9:30PM
gotta love that wet light.
PsyKodeLicReLic @ Jan 12th 2009 9:32PM
Sweet.
Mitch @ Jan 12th 2009 9:34PM
QUOTE (Ross Miller, Engadget): "... but we are in fact very fascinated with how the translation process works."
That is NOT how the translation process works.
MuToiD_MaN @ Jan 12th 2009 9:36PM
I don't know about you, but I can't imagine buying ANY controller called "handspike" on principle ... but looking at those analog sticks, the impression the name gives me is confirmed.
MuToiD_MaN @ Jan 12th 2009 9:40PM
Also, what the hell are "dap knights?" Are they anything like the Dap-kings?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sharon_Jones_&_The_Dap-Kings
jmarto @ Jan 12th 2009 9:47PM
I bet your fingers would hurt after 15 minutes playing that...
LAZoftheTamarinds @ Jan 12th 2009 9:59PM
Your officially a fetishist if you use this controller.
C lab Cpn @ Jan 12th 2009 10:14PM
Fuckin'-A. It was about time someone started making handspikes cheap and easily available.
J.Goodwin @ Jan 12th 2009 10:15PM
Why is this tagged 360, if it is incompatible with Xbox 360.
j.howlett @ Jan 12th 2009 10:35PM
they retired the xbox tag since gamestop is about to stop taking them?
Scooter @ Jan 12th 2009 10:38PM
So the analogue sticks are dragon nipples?
jynxycat @ Jan 12th 2009 10:44PM
Those were on sale at Gamestop like 3 years ago, and every store got a metric fuck ton of the dragon, and other types.
Basically every store in my district all sent them to the Mall of America store.
They ended up with dozens upon dozens upon dozens of boxes full of them.
Worst controller ever.
hoagie @ Jan 13th 2009 1:00AM
Best avatar ever.
John @ Jan 12th 2009 11:32PM
lucky you guys got it for a buck... its like $30 anywhere online