GDC09: We write some jokes for Tim Schafer
by Ludwig Kietzmann 
{ Mar 24th 2009 at 4:56PM }
Us? We're going to rescue the man from catastrophic embarrassment by offering the following jokes, free of charge:
- "Grand Theft Auto IV's a big contender tonight. Is anybody surprised? I know I'm not the only one who had a great time cruising around in stolen vehicles, running over prostitutes, doing stylish, drive-by shootings -- and then thought, 'Man, somebody should make a game out of this!'"
- "Despite what some of you may think, being chosen as a GDC awards host is actually one of my most cherished successes. It makes up for my failure to get the Guitar Hero publisher to put out my game about a hero with a guitar."
- "The program says that Metal Gear Solid 4 is up for the Best Writing award. That's a bit of a typo -- it's actually up for Most Writing."
- "Spore's nominated for a tech award tonight, but I thought it was oddly topical too. I spent a huge amount of time creating and investing in this wonderful, charming race of adventurers ... but then they got wiped out by some space marines."
- "You might have heard about some behind-the-scenes consternation this morning, when we almost sent the best audio award to the developers of Killzone. Don't get me wrong, the audio in that game is great, but the winner was Dead Space. You'd be surprised at how many people get those mixed up."
- "The current economy is making us all reconsider our game budgets. In fact, Bethesda has reduced their graphics team to just one guy. For Fallout 4, he's just going to wait 20 years and take a picture of his backyard."
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)
Neuromancer @ Mar 24th 2009 5:03PM
http://www.instantrimshot.com
The Dark Wayne @ Mar 24th 2009 5:37PM
HIYO!
THE WICKER MAN (BWF) (GT: Dalek Prime) @ Mar 24th 2009 5:03PM
Last time u messed with Shaffer he messed with u. What im saying is, stare into the Tim long enough and he stares into you Ludwig.
I would like another text adventure though please.
player66 @ Mar 24th 2009 5:07PM
A ravenous herd of vicious lionesses await you, Mr. Kietzmann ( I did rather enjoy the one about GTA IV, though).
AwesomeTown @ Mar 24th 2009 5:08PM
Oh man, that game already got me laughing at "Do you have a sound card installed?" Genius.
Rhamsey @ Mar 24th 2009 5:10PM
i love the gtaIV and mgs4 jokes.
~Snipes~ (PSN slycooper_rocker) @ Mar 24th 2009 5:19PM
lol @ metal gear joke. that's the best thing about the series. the writing. was the joke about the best sound award even a joke though?
helghast102 @ Mar 24th 2009 5:51PM
Killzone 2
Dead Space
both highly accoladed for achievements in sound.
but, some people complain that Killzone 2 has "Dead zone" on the controls.
zone and space are very similar.
geddit now? xD
helghast102 @ Mar 24th 2009 5:52PM
at least, that my take on it, theres another below, but i prefer mine :)
The Baron @ Mar 24th 2009 6:14PM
Yeah, in the podcast Justin makes the joke about two kids in a gamestop looking at games, and they mix up Kill Zone and Dead Space. Because the names mean the exact same thing!
~Snipes~ (PSN slycooper_rocker) @ Mar 24th 2009 6:19PM
i read your explanation. then i reread the joke. then i got it. but at that point, i didn't feel that joke was even remotely funny. good jokes don't need explanation.
finnith @ Mar 24th 2009 6:29PM
It was more of an inside joke.
The Baron @ Mar 25th 2009 6:19PM
Well, my delivery is awful. Plus if you've been staring at a bad version of the joke for an hour or two, even told right it's not funny.
Discotheque @ Mar 24th 2009 5:27PM
The best joke was the Guitar Hero one. LOL.
I could picture Bobby Kotick just booing that one.
The Dark Wayne @ Mar 24th 2009 5:39PM
I dont know if i just dont get the second to last one or if it's not funny?
Roto13 @ Mar 24th 2009 5:47PM
Kill = Dead, Space = Zone.
smcn @ Mar 24th 2009 5:51PM
Listen to the podcast!
The Dark Wayne @ Mar 24th 2009 6:06PM
i didnt have time this week!
Blue @ Mar 24th 2009 5:44PM
I cannot seem to find any jokes in the minigame. Any help?
Ziggy55 @ Mar 24th 2009 5:46PM
The Dead Space/Killzone joke was from a podcast. "Dead Space" and "Killzone" might be confused because they literally mean the same thing. Similar to a game named "Death Region" or "Slaughter Spot."
MF Doom @ Mar 24th 2009 6:22PM
Holy shit, Slaugher Spot is the greatest name I've ever heard. If I ever make a game, I'm gonna call it that.
MF Doom @ Mar 24th 2009 6:22PM
Hell, I'm gonna name my kids Slaughter Spot. All of them.
Roto13 @ Mar 24th 2009 5:48PM
I got 4 jokes and I thought I was doing ok. I went out on stage. There were 22 freaking jokes in all. I'd never be able to finish this game.
Sir Buzz Killington( The Artist formerly known as Jakka) @ Mar 24th 2009 6:06PM
Stuck on 2 so far...also I think that the "22" joke is just an elaborate troll.
how_much_I_carrot @ Mar 24th 2009 6:12PM
2 of the puzzles give you 16 jokes at once so it's really not that long...
AwesomeTown @ Mar 24th 2009 6:12PM
I'm on 11 jokes, and thought that was the end, but nope. Now I'm still on 11 and have no idea what to do with this "artifact"
Sir Buzz Killington( The Artist formerly known as Jakka) @ Mar 24th 2009 6:14PM
I'm on 7 now...what does I do with the toilet?
Sir Buzz Killington( The Artist formerly known as Jakka) @ Mar 24th 2009 6:20PM
DISREGARD THAT,I SUCK COCK.
Sir Buzz Killington( The Artist formerly known as Jakka) @ Mar 24th 2009 6:44PM
Shit...can't find the last one :(
Drew @ Mar 24th 2009 6:49PM
I can't find what to do with the chicken
Roto13 @ Mar 24th 2009 6:56PM
And here I am going "There's a toilet? There's a CHICKEN???"
how_much_I_carrot @ Mar 24th 2009 7:14PM
ok some hints:
if you don't know what to do with the chicken: check the bear rug very, very closely.
if you're missing one complete joke and you don't even have half of it: you probably need to check the bear rug, newspaper or fridge more closely.
AwesomeTown @ Mar 24th 2009 7:52PM
Thanks purple tentacle, that looking very closely at the rug was the only thing I needed. A little too close if you ask me, but that game was genius. I loved the "Oh.. my.. God." when you find the scroll.
Jack Tretton @ Mar 24th 2009 5:48PM
"I know I'm not the only who had a great time...running over prostitutes..."
A prostitute joke and GTA in the same breath never gets old!
/sarcasm
Dartmerc @ Mar 24th 2009 8:06PM
sigh
player66 @ Mar 24th 2009 5:49PM
All of this material is recycled from last week's video podcast. Jeez guys, get some new jokes.
Levi (God Hand Defense Force) @ Mar 24th 2009 5:55PM
"I haven't talked to my wife in three days. I didn't want to interrupt her."
"Take my wife, PLEASE!"
Trust me, it leaves the crowd in stitches every time.
MattKing @ Mar 24th 2009 7:08PM
I got 22 jokes, is that the maximum? It didn't say anything afterwards to let me know there weren't any more jokes but it did unlock "Moonwalk" mode. :)
This game was awesome.
thoth2020 @ Mar 24th 2009 7:21PM
How do you even get this chicken? I only have 6 jokes, and the cigar cutters, the key, half a joke on an index card, and a piece of tablecloth.
how_much_I_carrot @ Mar 24th 2009 7:27PM
sounds like you need to take a second look at the cigar box... and maybe the picture on the wall?
thoth2020 @ Mar 24th 2009 7:32PM
Alright, I got the safe open, and am up to 11 jokes. Missing something. What the hell is this chicken?
MattKing @ Mar 24th 2009 7:37PM
Look at the sink and it'll give you a vague hint at what you're supposed to do to it.
how_much_I_carrot @ Mar 24th 2009 7:42PM
the chicken is a two part puzzzle- you need to do something with the sink and you need to check the bear rug very closely.
spoiler solution ahead
.
.
.
1. put the table cloth in the sink, turn on the water and use the remote again.
2. "push" the eye of the bear rug.
3. combine the two parts
4. turn off the lights
thoth2020 @ Mar 24th 2009 7:37PM
Okay, 12 jokes. And I washed the cloth, so I don't have it anymore, so just cutters, empty matchbook, and switch.
MattKing @ Mar 24th 2009 7:40PM
If the chicken isn't complete, find the other part. If it is, use the one object in the room that hasn't had a purpose yet. It's not really logical.
thoth2020 @ Mar 24th 2009 7:43PM
Cannot find any piece of chicken! Did not know chicken existed until it was spoken of here.
thoth2020 @ Mar 24th 2009 7:48PM
Still missing other part of chicken; have only head.
how_much_I_carrot @ Mar 24th 2009 7:50PM
if you washed the cloth then use the remote switch again and something will happen. If nothing happens then you didn't wash the cloth properly...
how_much_I_carrot @ Mar 24th 2009 7:51PM
once again, the reply button outwits me.
thoth2020 @ Mar 24th 2009 7:54PM
I pushed the button, and I see the very old thing. Obviously something to do with turning out lights. But I can't use the chicken head with the device.