Whoa! Max Payne is a total slob
by Christopher Grant 
{ Jun 9th 2009 at 10:31PM } 
- Drink Hard: Max Payne grows up to be John McClane
- Max Stain 3: The Filth of Max Payne
- or simply: Max Payne throws up all over his shirt, exclusive pics inside
Alright, Rockstar. Fair enough. You win on the "more cynical" thing ... now let's see you work this into the gameplay. Maybe a showering minigame? Or escort missions to the dry cleaners. We're just riffin' here ... hey, where are you going?
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 3)
SoulBlade @ Jun 9th 2009 10:33PM
Max Payne: Wife Beater
Markez @ Jun 9th 2009 10:42PM
Max Payne: Couch sitter, Cheeto eater
ChooChooCharlie @ Jun 9th 2009 10:47PM
More like Max VEINS. amirite?
Jason Statham (Aka Vegeta) @ Jun 9th 2009 10:51PM
Max Payne: Old Man Payne
Bagels: Commander in Chief of the lolcat sarcasm alert force. @ Jun 9th 2009 10:57PM
@ Markez
So, Max Payne: Hardcore Gamer, then?
I KEED, I KEED!!!
BananaBoat @ Jun 9th 2009 11:14PM
Max Payne: Needs Rogaine
AHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
deddyluger @ Jun 9th 2009 11:33PM
Max Payne 3: 1 Cup
PedoJokerBear (aka Deeznuts) @ Jun 10th 2009 12:28AM
Max Payne: Obadiah Stane
WREturns @ Jun 10th 2009 1:54AM
Max Payne: Male Pattern Baldness
The acronym would be MP: MPB and 14 year old punks would walk into game stores the world over calling it that as if it were the cool thing to do...
Blank-Mage @ Jun 10th 2009 2:01AM
Totally not in any way like Old Snake, no, really...
ronniedobbs @ Jun 10th 2009 2:53AM
Yeah, and snake was nothing like that guy from escape from new york...what was his name?
sc00by_y00 @ Jun 10th 2009 9:08AM
http://www.reelmovienews.com/images/gallery/obadiah-stane.jpg
Definately obadiah stane..
russell @ Jun 10th 2009 9:15AM
Max Payne: My Hero and Role Model
Wizzleteets @ Jun 10th 2009 10:10AM
Max Payne: The Amishing
victor @ Jun 10th 2009 12:26PM
Max Payne - Daddy, come over here!
steinjake11 @ Jun 9th 2009 10:36PM
you riffed 'em too hard Chris
Princess_Cake @ Jun 9th 2009 10:40PM
Ew-hew-hew-hew! He looks like Bob Newbie in The Sims!
Roofie @ Jun 9th 2009 10:36PM
At first I was thinking that this couldn't get any closer to the art style of GTA IV, but then I realized that it's by Rockstar and it probably is the art style of GTA IV.
Nomi @ Jun 9th 2009 10:52PM
Rockstar North vs Rockstar Vancouver
MystileArmor @ Jun 9th 2009 10:36PM
Max Payne: Don't Eat Spaggheti-O's With A Fork
Eminemdrdre00 @ Jun 9th 2009 10:36PM
They pulled a SplinterCell:Conviction! Not only is Max Payne now bald...the game takes place in the JUNGLES of BRAZIL! WTF?!
Here are the scans!
http://forum.alanwake.com/showpost.php?p=41787&postcount=334
http://forum.alanwake.com/showpost.php?p=41788&postcount=335
Details:
-Takes place in Sao Paulo, Brazil.
-Most of the screens are in the day with a ghetto jungle vibe (think of like RE5)
-Story is 12 years after MP2 I think. Either the game details the "missing years" of Max or not is unclear.
-Bullet-time is still there, and from what I read, the gameplay is still relatively the same. There is a cover system and more fluid animations now.
-Will have multiplayer
Crusty Magic @ Jun 9th 2009 10:40PM
Odd.
Who is developing this?
Dracard @ Jun 9th 2009 10:44PM
"There is a cover system"
Fuck, know what that means. He'll be clinging to walls harder than an early teen girl clinging to her first boyfriend. The old Max Payne didn't need no cover system... I guess he really is weary guy now.
mezzanine @ Jun 9th 2009 11:09PM
Ugh, cover : ( I hope it's not necessary.
Danzaiver @ Jun 9th 2009 11:15PM
How the hell did Max move from NY to South America?
Dracard @ Jun 9th 2009 11:32PM
"How the hell did Max move from NY to South America?"
Because of the cover system.
Dracard @ Jun 9th 2009 11:44PM
Alright, maybe I'm hating on cover systems a little too much. I'm just really worried about this game since so much has changed that it sound like totally different game rather than Max Payne.
potato @ Jun 10th 2009 3:08AM
Dracard: You're not overreacting. I'm also very skeptical about this announcement - Max Payne is not your average duck-and-cover shooter. It's always intrinsically based in film noir.
To do a Max Payne game without bullet time and without the film noir backdrop is downright criminal. Honestly, I foresee this game sucking, a lot.
I'm not against innovation in games - hell, Splinter Cell Conviction looks like a very natural evolution of the series, and Assassin's Creed 2 looks downright delicious. But this completely erases the Max Payne series' history, I can't see this ending any way but bad.
Between Crysis and Just Cause 2, the market for blow-your-pants-off jungle combat seems pretty full.
Warp Whistle @ Jun 10th 2009 3:11AM
Hmm I no longer consider this a Max Payne game. Hopefully they can change my mind but in my mind bald slob + jungles + daytime + cover system does not in any way shape or form equal Max Payne.
I'm hugely upset, but again, hopefully it can somehow retain the mood and tone of the first two.....
Bise @ Jun 14th 2009 1:04PM
"the game takes place in the JUNGLES of BRAZIL! WTF?!"
jungles lol
it's in a favela, it's like a slum where poor people live, i hope you realize são paulo (at least in population) is a larger metropolis than than NYC right?
if you call this a jungle, then, okay http://gabrielarighetto.files.wordpress.com/2008/01/sao_paulo_cidade.jpg
ryan.lacon @ Jun 9th 2009 10:37PM
Jeeze what is up with the beard.
The Dark Wayne @ Jun 9th 2009 10:51PM
Sam Fisher didn't need his, so he let Max borrow it.
Jon Acheson @ Jun 10th 2009 11:10AM
He looks like Jeff Bridges in Iron Man.
Professor Lario @ Jun 9th 2009 10:37PM
Awesome - love the character design.
Timstew @ Jun 10th 2009 1:30AM
Agree, thumbs up. It's lame most game characters look like male college jocks or female pageant contestants. This new Max looks like he's a veteran, took many lives, drank away his memories, etc.
tmacairjordan87 @ Jun 9th 2009 10:39PM
Add a beer belly and you've got a number of people that live around me.
Good ol Florida...
Jason @ Jun 9th 2009 11:00PM
Not all of Florida is from your trailer park. Some of us live in exclusive walled-off-from the trash communities.
tmacairjordan87 @ Jun 9th 2009 11:13PM
I don't live in a trailer park, I live in Florida. That's how most of it is outside of the cities and rich areas.
Markez @ Jun 9th 2009 11:18PM
According to this website, you reside in the 9th level of hell
http://www.holytaco.com/9-current-levels-hell
tmacairjordan87 @ Jun 9th 2009 11:22PM
Haha I got a good laugh from that until I realized that it pretty much hit the nail on the head...then it was pretty depressing :(
I was wondering where I was in the 4 types of Floridians, then I remembered I'm not really one since I moved from New York so it makes a lot more sense.
Swagman @ Jun 9th 2009 11:45PM
He brings up the 9th level of Hell, and does not mention Clearwater at least once. Me thinks his guide of Hell is slightly incomplete.
gamepete64 @ Jun 9th 2009 11:56PM
I agree about the drama kids going to Denny's, I'm one of them. But we aren't annoying.
aristokrat @ Jun 10th 2009 4:12PM
No one ever thinks that they themselves are the annoying one...
InFaMoUs1- @ Jun 9th 2009 10:41PM
Max Payne: Revenge of the Slob
Snipermike @ Jun 9th 2009 10:43PM
DAD ?!?!!?!?
Markez @ Jun 9th 2009 10:43PM
He looks slovenly to the point where, like Homer Simpson, he uses his gun more as a utility item; turn the lights on/off, turn the tv on/off, etc.
LordToastington @ Jun 10th 2009 12:03AM
That episode was awesome.
DBuck_Eye @ Jun 10th 2009 12:10AM
Homer: Oh, I don't need anything like that... [paranoid]...yet.
Just give me my gun. [grabs for gun]
Gun Shop Owner: Sorry, the law requires a five-day waiting period. We've
got to run a background check.
Homer: Five days? But I'm mad now!
WREturns @ Jun 10th 2009 1:51AM
Homer: If I had my gun right now I'd shoot you!
Gun Shop Owner: Yeah, well, you don't.
Chad Vanderbilt (Moptimus in Disguise) @ Jun 10th 2009 2:06AM
Gun Shop Owner: Let's take a look at your background check. It says here you were in a mental hospital...
Homer: Yeah.
Gun Shop Owner: ...frequent problems with alcohol...
Homer: Oh Ho Ho Heh yeah.
Gun Shop Owner: ... beat up President Bush.
Homer: Former president. [looks at forms] "Potentially dangerous"?!
Gun Shop Owner: Relax. It just limits you to three handguns or less.
Homer: Woohoo!