The internets present: Michael Pachter FACTS

by Alexander Sliwinski { Jul 1st 2009 at 10:00PM }

Joystiq admittedly went a little crazy with stories involving Wedbush Morgan analyst Michael Pachter recently. But, how can the internet blame us? The man is such an important figure. Not only to the video game industry, but to the current state of humanity. Inspired by Harmonix's Alex Navarro, the facts of Michael Pachter's importance were spoken across the Twitterverse and compiled by one Jared Newman. A small sampling:

When Michael Pachter gets the Red Ring of Death, he sends Microsoft a coffin.
Publications often misrepresent Michael Pachter as a "Wedbush Morgan Analyst." No company can contain Michael Pachter.
Michael Pachter willed the Dreamcast to its destruction. No one can cast dreams except Michael Pachter.
There is a little-known seventh ESRB rating: P. It stands for Pachter. P-rated games can only be played by the awesome.
Michael Pachter has learned to suppress the pon farr. He's that logical.

We hope these facts help clarify his importance. Those looking to learn more can always search Twitter for #pachterfacts. Some facts show a lack of refinement, created by jealous heathens, but many will bestow the importance of this one man. If you know more facts, please feel free to add them below. Inspiration will get you kudos, crassness will get you a one way ticket off ~~Joys-~~ Pachstiq.

Tags: meta, michael-pachter, pachter, pachter-facts, pachterfacts

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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)

Santo @ Jul 1st 2009 10:02PM

So Pachter is now some kind of bizarre ultra-nerd Chuck Norris?

valgas @ Jul 1st 2009 11:49PM

Joystiq has turned into Pachter central lately. The annoying thing about it is that none of us give a rats pajamas about what that douche thinks, yet Joystiq seems to think his opinions make interesting stories. Is Joystiq purposely trying to piss off all of their readers? Between the Pachter crap and the stupid face they keep hiding in all their pictures, this site is becoming an annoyance more than anything.

Popfrogs @ Jul 2nd 2009 2:00AM

Right on Valgas. I'm glad I'm not the only one who noticed. It's like the recession forced Joystiq to fire all the good writers or send them on "extended leave" and the remaining guy is a navel-gazing hipster who thinks it's ironic and funny to post 18 Pachter stories in 3 days and recycle the same wacky face in every picture on the site.

It's a disturbing trend. Nobody cares about what Dustin Hoffman's stunt double says about gaming. He's 90% wrong.

Saria the Cat @ Jul 2nd 2009 2:25AM

@valgas, PopFrogs: Um... This article is ridiculing Pachter, not touting him as a glorious figure. It's called sarcasm. Almost all the other Pachter-related articles have also had a facetious tone. It seems as though you guys wouldn't know satire if it crawled up your ass.

Don't blame writers for your lack of reading comprehension skills.

Cody @ Jul 2nd 2009 8:54AM

"Don't blame writers for your lack of reading comprehension skills."

I always got A's in Reading Comprehension.

It was those damn Math sections that did me in....

valgas @ Jul 2nd 2009 12:26PM

Saria the Cat,

Thanks for pointing out that the article was making fun of Pachter, I hadn't noticed. I'm just glad there's a snooty broad that browses Joystiq who can point this stuff out to all us idiotic cavemen. You're the worst kind of person, a judgmental snob who assumes she's better and smarter than everyone else. I feel sorry for your boyfriend/husband, assuming you've been able to find a man that you've deemed worthy enough to share your glorious life with.

I don't care if Joystiq takes a couple of jabs at Pachter every time they post a story about him. They only post his stupid guesstimates as a way to pad their website when they have nothing better to report.