The internets present: Michael Pachter FACTS
Joystiq admittedly went a little crazy with stories involving Wedbush Morgan analyst Michael Pachter recently. But, how can the internet blame us? The man is such an important figure. Not only to the video game industry, but to the current state of humanity. Inspired by Harmonix's Alex Navarro, the facts of Michael Pachter's importance were spoken across the Twitterverse and compiled by one Jared Newman. A small sampling:
Joys- Pachstiq.
- When Michael Pachter gets the Red Ring of Death, he sends Microsoft a coffin.
- Publications often misrepresent Michael Pachter as a "Wedbush Morgan Analyst." No company can contain Michael Pachter.
- Michael Pachter willed the Dreamcast to its destruction. No one can cast dreams except Michael Pachter.
- There is a little-known seventh ESRB rating: P. It stands for Pachter. P-rated games can only be played by the awesome.
- Michael Pachter has learned to suppress the pon farr. He's that logical.







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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)
Santo @ Jul 1st 2009 10:02PM
So Pachter is now some kind of bizarre ultra-nerd Chuck Norris?
valgas @ Jul 1st 2009 11:49PM
Joystiq has turned into Pachter central lately. The annoying thing about it is that none of us give a rats pajamas about what that douche thinks, yet Joystiq seems to think his opinions make interesting stories. Is Joystiq purposely trying to piss off all of their readers? Between the Pachter crap and the stupid face they keep hiding in all their pictures, this site is becoming an annoyance more than anything.
Popfrogs @ Jul 2nd 2009 2:00AM
Right on Valgas. I'm glad I'm not the only one who noticed. It's like the recession forced Joystiq to fire all the good writers or send them on "extended leave" and the remaining guy is a navel-gazing hipster who thinks it's ironic and funny to post 18 Pachter stories in 3 days and recycle the same wacky face in every picture on the site.
It's a disturbing trend. Nobody cares about what Dustin Hoffman's stunt double says about gaming. He's 90% wrong.
Saria the Cat @ Jul 2nd 2009 2:25AM
@valgas, PopFrogs: Um... This article is ridiculing Pachter, not touting him as a glorious figure. It's called sarcasm. Almost all the other Pachter-related articles have also had a facetious tone. It seems as though you guys wouldn't know satire if it crawled up your ass.
Don't blame writers for your lack of reading comprehension skills.
Cody @ Jul 2nd 2009 8:54AM
"Don't blame writers for your lack of reading comprehension skills."
I always got A's in Reading Comprehension.
It was those damn Math sections that did me in....
valgas @ Jul 2nd 2009 12:26PM
Saria the Cat,
Thanks for pointing out that the article was making fun of Pachter, I hadn't noticed. I'm just glad there's a snooty broad that browses Joystiq who can point this stuff out to all us idiotic cavemen. You're the worst kind of person, a judgmental snob who assumes she's better and smarter than everyone else. I feel sorry for your boyfriend/husband, assuming you've been able to find a man that you've deemed worthy enough to share your glorious life with.
I don't care if Joystiq takes a couple of jabs at Pachter every time they post a story about him. They only post his stupid guesstimates as a way to pad their website when they have nothing better to report.
Saria the Cat @ Jul 2nd 2009 2:08PM
@Cody: Haha, same here. I'm mathematically challenged. :S
@valgas: Sorry, what was that? I can't hear you from this high up on my horse.
Lionbacker steamID: detfan1957 @ Jul 2nd 2009 5:44PM
Hmmm... Better consult the flowchart...
http://i255.photobucket.com/albums/hh138/detfan1957/oh-snap-flowchart-small.jpg
OH SNAP!!!
Cj @ Jul 1st 2009 10:03PM
So hes Chuck Norris now? I for one dropped Chuck as a supreme being in my eyes and replaced him with Billy Mays. Billy is more powerful than them all.
Fierod @ Jul 1st 2009 10:07PM
billymaysfacts.com
Bagels: Commander in Chief of the lolcat sarcasm alert force. @ Jul 1st 2009 10:06PM
RIP Billy!
tmacairjordan87 @ Jul 1st 2009 10:11PM
http://media.photobucket.com/image/billy%20mays%20joke/daw1180/1221227996440.jpg
That's probably my favorite with him in it. Although, someone on neogaf showed a tombstone with "Billy Mays Here!" on it and I, admittedly, laughed my ass off.
Manly Mcbeefington (Mr. ESC) @ Jul 1st 2009 10:21PM
Billy Mays was a truly great spartan.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_JaW_f45xnY&feature=PlayList&p=D159226741957C83&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=16
WINterfang @ Jul 1st 2009 10:39PM
I'm watching Pitchman right now, was watching the marathon on DC.
CH3BURASHKA @ Jul 2nd 2009 12:21AM
God rest your soul, Billy Mays. May heaven be Oxi clean to a sparkling shine.
knytesabre @ Jul 2nd 2009 2:30AM
RIP Billy Mays. You had hundreds of thousands of fans.
Thought I would post this. My brother's friend made this for film class. Found it amusing. Too bad Billy is gone now :(
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1qoQXw7sfL8
choffy21 @ Jul 1st 2009 10:04PM
Sounds about right.
Ficken @ Jul 1st 2009 10:04PM
Waits for people to complain about another Pachter post.
The Dark Wayne @ Jul 1st 2009 10:09PM
no man, we've been begging for a pachter ALL day so we could get a DSG in there! Not quite what i hoped, but yes!
Mana37 @ Jul 1st 2009 10:20PM
Fiken, I'm SICK of people that "Wait" for other people to complain about the subject.
Stop waiting, bitch!!
WINterfang @ Jul 1st 2009 10:21PM
I wanted Patcher with Dead Space girl face so I can furiously masturb.....have a laugh.
playwhutyalike @ Jul 1st 2009 10:40PM
I laughed so hard I ruined this Kleenex....
Ficken @ Jul 1st 2009 10:55PM
Mana37, I'm SICK of people that are ass holes and complain about people complaining.
Stop complaining, bitch!!
The Dark Wang(Ohyeahcola in disguise) @ Jul 2nd 2009 2:00AM
IM THE REAL DARK WANG!!!!
Dave @ Jul 1st 2009 10:05PM
Joystiq admittedly went a little crazy with stories involving Wedbush Morgan analyst Michael Pachter recently? Michael Pachter???
How about Dead Space Girl??
GewurztraminerX @ Jul 1st 2009 10:17PM
Dead Space Girl > Pachter > Jack Thompson
could be worse.
j.howlett @ Jul 1st 2009 10:53PM
nothing is as bad as the time it was nothing but rock band and guitar hero.
Jack Tretton @ Jul 1st 2009 11:04PM
How about using Xbox Live's Kodu, its new game-making program, to build something starring DSG? Maybe a nice cart racer?
Jawmuncher @ Jul 1st 2009 10:05PM
DEAD SPACE GIRL FTW!!!
Pachter can never obtain her greatness
bongoes @ Jul 1st 2009 10:29PM
Very true.
Hukuzo @ Jul 1st 2009 10:20PM
What the hell is that little face on every image here?
Hukuzo @ Jul 1st 2009 10:07PM
What the hell is that little face on every image?
SEVENim @ Jul 2nd 2009 2:47PM
Its from the cover of dead space extraction for wii. it was shown on here early this morning
Foetoid @ Jul 1st 2009 10:07PM
After being bed-ridden and struck down with a horrid flu, i'm only just now catching up on DSG. Hilarious Joystiq, made me feel a bit better even, keep her coming!
JXCgunrunna @ Jul 1st 2009 11:52PM
Joystick can not keep DSG coming...only Micheal Patcher can keep DSG coming
Sora @ Jul 1st 2009 10:08PM
"Michael Pachter willed the Dreamcast to its destruction. No one can cast dreams except Michael Pachter."
So first he invades my Joystiq, AND NOW HE KILLED THE BEST THING EVER?!?!?!
That man must have a price on his head. NOW.
Author X @ Jul 1st 2009 10:14PM
It's no use. It's impossible to shoot Michael Pacther with bullets, not since he predicted that his own death would coincide with the heat death of the universe.
Bradwart @ Jul 1st 2009 10:15PM
Breaking: Michael Pachter found dead! A Sega Dreamcast console was used to crush his skull in. A note was left saying : "this is for Sega, you dreamkiller. All your base are belong to us!"
GordoJones @ Jul 1st 2009 10:14PM
Is it me, or does he look powerful and sexy in this picture.
Sly (of the Dead Space Face Promotion Squad) @ Jul 1st 2009 10:18PM
it's you.
Manly Mcbeefington (Mr. ESC) @ Jul 1st 2009 10:14PM
First DSG should replace patcher head.
Second neither Michael Bay nor Michael Patcher are awesome enough to get the Chuck Norris Facts Treatment.
kill_strike @ Jul 1st 2009 10:18PM
what about Billy Mays?????
genaldar @ Jul 1st 2009 10:20PM
Neither is Chuck Norris
The Dark Wang(Ohyeahcola in disguise) @ Jul 2nd 2009 2:05AM
Jackie Chan deserves it
Jackie swam across the Atlantic Ocean to get to America
He eats nails for breakfast
He drinks lava
That's how badass Chan is. : )
Justin F @ Jul 1st 2009 10:14PM
Love that Dead Space Girl, NOT!
Duke @ Jul 2nd 2009 12:04PM
People still say "NOT!"?
Sly (of the Dead Space Face Promotion Squad) @ Jul 1st 2009 10:14PM
subtle, joystiq. very subtle.
WINterfang @ Jul 1st 2009 10:26PM
How many Avatars do you have Sly?
Sly (of the Dead Space Face Promotion Squad) @ Jul 1st 2009 10:32PM
1. default mario
2. pedobear (haven't seen him in a while though...)
3. ezio auditore de firenze
4. colonel radec (only appeared once though)
5. sly cooper
6. DSG (been trying to upload it but it refuses to for some reason)
WINterfang @ Jul 1st 2009 10:47PM
Mmmm Joystiq should have Avatars both bigger and more stable like any other site.