Universal wins 'bidding war' for Asteroids movie rights
by Ludwig Kietzmann 
{ Jul 2nd 2009 at 10:45AM }
ENSIGN CAMEO: Sir! I'm picking up several signatures on my gamma pulse spectrum radar!
GENERAL CONSENSUS: Is it an attack? Did the Radical Space Sect find us?
ENSIGN CAMEO: No, sir, these objects are too small ... too listless and apathetic to be ships! It's like they have no particular trajectory ... they're completely unpredictable.
GENERAL CONSENSUS: Dr. Diana Fhire! What do you make of this?
DR. FHIRE: Hmm, I've never seen anything like this, possibly because I'm meant to be this film's gratuitous eye candy and thus possess highly suspect academic qualifications like Denise Richards did in that one Bond movie. Anyway, my tachyon scanner indicates that we are not dealing with biological matter. In fact, the substance seems ... no, that can't be!
GENERAL CONSENSUS: What? What are we dealing with here?
DR. FHIRE: Rocks. Big rocks. In space.
GENERAL CONSENSUS: My god. Space rocks ... but how?
DR. FHIRE: It's only a theory, but I believe coming into contact with these ... these ... "asteroids" could kill us severely.
GENERAL CONSENSUS: How ... how many of them pose a threat?
[CLOSE UP ON DR. FHIRE]
DR. FHIRE: All of them, general.
[CLOSER UP ON DR. FHIRE]
DR. FHIRE. All. Of. Them.
[INTERIOR] [ALARMS SOUND]
GENERAL CONSENSUS: Ensign! Get me gruff-but-likable washout pilot Jack Plot. He's the only one that can fly the experimental Triangulon Mark V --
DR. FHIRE: The Triangulon?! Are you crazy? That thing's still a prototype! It's not tested for --
GENERAL CONSENSUS: We don't have a choice, Diana. I'm not getting my ass kicked by these roids!
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)
Darric @ Jul 2nd 2009 10:00AM
Would anyone have noticed if they had made the same film but just called it "Meteors" instead? They had to buy the film rights? Really?!
Storm Eagle (P:FoXGameR, X:PullingADrifter) @ Jul 2nd 2009 11:02AM
Well there is a difference between a meteor and an asteroid.
Meteors actually enter the Earth's atmosphere.
Asteroids are bigger and just float around in space or orbit things.
So depending on what kind of movie they're actually trying to turn this into.......
Anthology @ Jul 2nd 2009 11:30AM
It's actually "meteoroid."
The "meteor" is the streak of light following the actual object.
Darric @ Jul 2nd 2009 11:32AM
So here I was thinking, "So, you can't edit comments, but it's ok, because no one will notice that you meant to say 'Meteroids'".
edweird @ Jul 2nd 2009 11:59AM
Brings to mind.. "The meteorite is the source of the light, and the meteor's just what we see, and the meteoroid is a stone that's devoid of the fire that propelled it to thee."
As far as the bidding war, I'll echo sentiments of 'what, seriously?'
Asteroids are a natural phenomenon and there's nothing stopping anyone from making a film about them. Licensing a game with no plot seems like an incredible waste of money. The only possible rational motivation I can think of is some kind of marketing campaign that involves letting people play the game, or maybe some modern re-invention of it (not that there haven't already been plenty) on phones and current gen systems.. Even so, I think everyone knows what the game is all about, and it's simplicity, and wouldn't give two shits about it nowadays. It's not hard to find a version of it to play for free.
Rocketboy @ Jul 2nd 2009 12:05PM
Isn't Meteor the movie about the life and times of the "Where's the Beef?" lady?
(I'll boo myself here)
Booooo...
dark_inchworm (on Steam!) dark inchworm (on XBL!) @ Jul 2nd 2009 12:32PM
But we all know how that ends... she finally found the beef in Prego pasta sauce, Wendy's fired her, and she died shortly thereafter.
Rein @ Jul 2nd 2009 3:08PM
Edweird: +100000000 for Joanna Newsom. :x
Riley @ Jul 3rd 2009 12:56AM
Apparently because NBC (aka Universal) already made a made for TV movie called Meteor. I just saw the commercial for it and I was thinking, "Wow, this is a ripoff of Armageddon" and then I saw that it was called Meteor
Bug Hunter @ Jul 2nd 2009 10:18AM
I want to see this movie become a reality.
Duke @ Jul 2nd 2009 2:19PM
Best script ever for the worst movie idea ever.
Storm Eagle (P:FoXGameR, X:PullingADrifter) @ Jul 2nd 2009 10:49AM
So we can expect it to be like the seen from Blue Harvest right?
"We came out of hyperspace into an asteroid field!"
Alphathon @ Jul 2nd 2009 11:53AM
I believe you'll find that's SCENE, not SEEN.
Also: http://mybroadband.co.za/photos/data/630/GrammarNaziCat.jpg
Anyway, I'd lol if it were, although I prefer the Dr. Who bit just before it - "hyperspace always looks so freaky"
Brendan H @ Jul 2nd 2009 5:47PM
"Going...too...fast! I've passed through to the other side...of the screen!"
Young_Nastyman (a.k.a. Thor von Clemson) @ Jul 2nd 2009 10:51AM
......huh?
Lustis @ Jul 2nd 2009 11:28AM
Is that Freddie Mercury?
Young_Nastyman (a.k.a. Thor von Clemson) @ Jul 2nd 2009 2:13PM
either that, Thor von Clemson, or Tenacious D
idiot @ Jul 2nd 2009 10:51AM
bravo
Carrie @ Jul 2nd 2009 10:51AM
Brilliant. I had to try and refrain from actually lol'ing since I'm reading this in class. But the lols are there for sure.
tom @ Jul 2nd 2009 10:53AM
that write-up was absolutely fantastic.
Draco Basileus @ Jul 2nd 2009 10:57AM
So WTF was "Armageddon" about?
Storm Eagle (P:FoXGameR, X:PullingADrifter) @ Jul 2nd 2009 11:03AM
Asteroid?
Notice the distinct lack of "S"
Martin @ Jul 2nd 2009 1:32PM
Not after those bad space motherfuckers was done with it. Asteroids, plural.
Dirty @ Jul 2nd 2009 10:58AM
Can the prop for the Triangulon Mark V be a Subaru XT Turbo?
MystileArmor @ Jul 2nd 2009 10:59AM
DSG?
*sniff* Why?...Why? WHYYYYYYYY?!?!?!?!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Chris @ Jul 2nd 2009 11:02AM
I think I see her face in the largest asteriod!
Damian @ Jul 2nd 2009 11:03AM
DSG should be in one post every day, hidden so you need to really look to find her, like the brotherhood of steel armour picture.
I miss her too though *sniff*
MystileArmor @ Jul 2nd 2009 11:08AM
And why can't Pachter only be allowed one day a year? Can't we trade them or something?
Send Pachter to the dark depths of Dead Space and have DSG pull facts out of her ass. Now THAT's something we'd all want to see, huh, amirite huh?
Captain Planet @ Jul 2nd 2009 10:59AM
This is the worst idea in the long sad history of worst ideas. The only thing that tops this is:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wI1UVDOuMqE&feature=related
Jack Hollow @ Jul 2nd 2009 11:00AM
Can everyone say, "Academy Award Winner"?
Lustis @ Jul 2nd 2009 11:12AM
No way, it won't be anything like the game =(
JoeSmack @ Jul 2nd 2009 11:04AM
Sweet! I hope this will be as good as Pong! the Movie....
http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Pong!_the_Movie
WiNG [XBL&Steam: WiNGSPANTT] from lifeinagame.com @ Jul 2nd 2009 11:06AM
They could call the Asteroids movie "Dead Space."
Get it?
Hey, I'm doing the best I can to fill the void.
Bagels: Commander in Chief of the lolcat sarcasm alert force. @ Jul 2nd 2009 11:07AM
"What do you think this is, Jack Plot, A GAME?!?!?!?"
*everyone in movie stops and winks at the audience for 17.8 seconds. Moms laugh.*
NaeemTHM @ Jul 2nd 2009 11:10AM
THIS SUMMER. ONE MAN. ONE SHIP. ONE MILLION ASTEROIDS.
Asteroids.
COMING 2010
By Michael Bay.
*insert explosion*
Dirty @ Jul 2nd 2009 11:14AM
Look at that black asteroid, it has a gold tooth and cant read. Odd.... Blast it!
NaeemTHM @ Jul 2nd 2009 11:19AM
I can just hear the token black dude line.
"Giant asteroid heads towards ship*
"THAT'S ONE HOT POTATO!"
The audience laughs, I facepalm, and the the African American rights movement get's pushed back a hundred years.
Steve @ Jul 2nd 2009 4:44PM
I dunno, I'd like to see M. Night tackle this one.
What if in the end, it turned out that WE were really the asteroids. What a TWEEST!
FlamingEffigy @ Jul 2nd 2009 11:12AM
Diana Fhire.
I love Ludwig.
umm....hello??? @ Jul 2nd 2009 1:53PM
Ludwig is the 'stiq's best writer IMO.
MaliceMajorE15 @ Jul 2nd 2009 11:27AM
excellent script. i wouldnt be suprised if that made it into the movie
Benjamin Heckendorn @ Jul 2nd 2009 11:34AM
You know, I don't buy into the whole "world ends in 2012" crap, but then again hearing they're making an Asteroids movie makes me guess again.
During the Great Depression Hollywood gave us many classics. During the Great Recession, we're getting bottom-of-the-barrel remakes, sequels, game movies and other cheap crap.
Ug.
Edge @ Jul 2nd 2009 11:32AM
"I'm not getting my ass kicked by these roids!"
Best. Line. Ever.
Angel of Death @ Jul 2nd 2009 12:23PM
Dude, that's like the plot for Transformers 3!
AoD
ObiBen @ Jul 2nd 2009 12:31PM
best Joystiq post I've read today
Nook @ Jul 2nd 2009 12:39PM
man, you wanna talk about playing a game for hours upon hours - I played this ALOT on the ole 2600 back in the day.
screw a movie - give me 2600 titles on VC.
Shiaoran @ Jul 2nd 2009 12:51PM
I'm actually curious about this one... I wonder what could they possibly do.
Anyway it'll probably be very unoriginal and unimaginative. But definetly better than a 2-hour movie showing a ship blasting asteroids to no end, until the ship is destroyed in a scene so dramatic that everyone will be teary and/or "WTFTHISCRAP??".
frozengod @ Jul 2nd 2009 1:21PM
Agh, another beloved video game franchise will be ruined by an obnoxious movie plot.
Besides, don't they ever learn? Movies based on video games always turn out to be bad.
...or was that the opposite?
Xero @ Jul 2nd 2009 1:24PM
Didn't they do this already? It had Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck in it.... right?
Wardo @ Jul 2nd 2009 1:30PM
If that were an actual trailer for the movie, I think I would have to go watch it...