The Onion reveals Modern Warfare 3, most 'realistic' military experience yet
by Alexander Sliwinski 
{ Nov 10th 2009 at 12:30PM } 
The Onion has the WORLD EXCLUSIVE first details of Modern Warfare 3, which developer Infinity Ward is apparently putting the "final touches on." There's so much scrumptious information in the Onion report, it's almost like the respected media source made the whole thing up.
Modern Warfare 3 will blow away its predecessor in the realism department, being the most "true to life" installment of the game ever produced. A "majority" of gameplay will have players hauling equipment, cleaning vehicles, experiencing home sickness and "filling out paperwork." Check out the full report after the break. We're so bummed we weren't invited to the reveal junket, which had journalists sleeping in the Pentagon and being briefed in "the war room" (which actually has a sign: "No Fighting Allowed!").
Modern Warfare 3 will blow away its predecessor in the realism department, being the most "true to life" installment of the game ever produced. A "majority" of gameplay will have players hauling equipment, cleaning vehicles, experiencing home sickness and "filling out paperwork." Check out the full report after the break. We're so bummed we weren't invited to the reveal junket, which had journalists sleeping in the Pentagon and being briefed in "the war room" (which actually has a sign: "No Fighting Allowed!").
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)
RKN @ Nov 10th 2009 12:35PM
Okay, NOW its being annoying.
Darth Bradwart, The Dark Lord of the Sith @ Nov 10th 2009 12:35PM
DUDE!
(NSFW)
http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/uncyclopedia/images/3/3b/Stfu.jpg
RKN @ Nov 10th 2009 12:36PM
Don't forget, no respawning in this sequel!
And regenerating health? You fucking wish!
The Dark Wayne [Planeteer: Power of the Batusi] @ Nov 10th 2009 12:43PM
at least there wont be any more endless enemy spawn points!
Darth Bradwart, The Dark Lord of the Sith @ Nov 10th 2009 12:36PM
That does seem pretty realistic...
Prof. Von Manifest (aka the caterpillar in your buttermilk) [PSN: Manifest37] @ Nov 10th 2009 2:52PM
LOL, some will never understand how realistic it is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PhilipJFryrish @ Nov 10th 2009 5:52PM
Yeah, hurry up and wait.
KnoW @ Nov 11th 2009 3:00PM
They forgot to mention the part when Keeshon has to carry a giant 2x4 because he left his weapon in the port-a- john and the part where he pulls grass out of crack in the concrete before sweeping in a sand storm. Iraq, such fond memories.
B3astofthe3ast @ Nov 10th 2009 12:36PM
The 17 pound wii controller made me lol
Dreaded Fear @ Nov 10th 2009 12:37PM
Well, people wanted a realistic game, here you go
(I know it is a joke)
Jason Statham (Has a ps3 now) @ Nov 10th 2009 12:38PM
So do people think by mentioning that quote in every Activision thread, it makes them think they are witty?
Latin_Trident @ Nov 10th 2009 12:38PM
this is hilarious! love it!
Mr Mobius - the wandering artist @ Nov 10th 2009 12:47PM
All Joystiq ever does is write posts about this stupid game. When will Joystiq find new news and stop writing about Modern Warfare 3 in EVERY second post. I'm really getting fed up with this.
copa @ Nov 10th 2009 12:49PM
"When will Joystiq find new news and stop writing about Modern Warfare 3 in EVERY second post."
Check the tag. This is the only Joystiq post ever on Modern Warfare 3:
http://www.joystiq.com/tag/call-of-duty-modern-warfare-3/
So shut your hysterical whining.
Mr Mobius - the wandering artist @ Nov 10th 2009 12:50PM
err... [/scarcasm]... does that make it any clearer?
Reuben @ Nov 10th 2009 1:01PM
I'm not really sure how you ended up getting voted down, and Copa staying the same, even though he misread your obvious sarcasm and insulted you for it.
dark_inchworm (stronger than never, ever before) @ Nov 10th 2009 1:37PM
All shall be revealed in due time, friends!
whiskeyseven @ Nov 10th 2009 1:39PM
shhh listen ... that was the sound of a joke going completely over copa's head
AsherR [Planeteer | Power of The Hoff] @ Nov 10th 2009 2:02PM
@whiskeyseven: Sounds like a freight train.
Storm Eagle [Resident Capcom Megafan] @ Nov 10th 2009 12:47PM
That one solider was off his rocker. Jessica Beil would be my choice.
The Dark Wayne [Planeteer: Power of the Batusi] @ Nov 10th 2009 2:04PM
But Shakira's hips dont lie!
WiNG [XBL&Steam: WiNGSPANTT] from lifeinagame.com @ Nov 10th 2009 12:50PM
Actually, I spent a lot of time in Battlefield Bad Company repairing trucks.
The good part is you can also use the drill to de-repair enemy trucks.
You know, or enemy skulls, if you can get that close.
The Dark Wayne [Planeteer: Power of the Batusi] @ Nov 10th 2009 12:53PM
have you never used the drill to miraculously explode walls?!
WiNG [XBL&Steam: WiNGSPANTT] from lifeinagame.com @ Nov 10th 2009 12:55PM
Walls of enemy skulls, yes.
McBrick @ Nov 10th 2009 12:51PM
Loved the player characters skills: "Endurance, Infrequent Urination, Impressions of Superiors, Beatboxing."
Enosoma @ Nov 10th 2009 12:52PM
Those that actually served their country in a war would be disappointed to see that you believe they spend their time "hauling equipment" & "cleaning vehicles".
My brother watched his friend get blown up. Then they raided the farmer's house that planted the IED.
Sure, they DO move boxes and materials, and clean vehicles, but the majority of their time is spent being terrified for their lives. Give them some credit.
If you want it to be realistic (and yes, I realize this was a joke) then you may as well pull their heart out of their chest and shit on it, though you might have a hard time simulating that... at least until the Vitality Sensor comes out.
WiNG [XBL&Steam: WiNGSPANTT] from lifeinagame.com @ Nov 10th 2009 12:57PM
If the majority of military life was spent in active explosive combat, we'd have dozens if not hundreds of casualties a day. Nobody is saying that soldiers never see combat. It's parodying the concept that in games like MW2, you get the impression that military life is nothing other than causing and running from explosions. For the sake of satire, this is the exact opposite.
Shagittarius @ Nov 10th 2009 1:05PM
Thats why people always say serving in the military is weeks and weeks of boredom punctuated by moments of extreme terror?
ducttapeBigSexy (PSN&XBL: ducttape12) @ Nov 10th 2009 1:12PM
After watching this single video from The Onion, I'm convinced that people in the military only have pointless arguments and repair trucks. They don't do any real work. This single work of complete fact has completely changed my entire view of the world, and there's nothing you can say to the contrary that will change this one truth that I now hold.
(/sarcasm)
affa @ Nov 10th 2009 1:13PM
There are hundreds of thousands of US soldiers fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan.
The majority of those are not fighting every day. The vast, vast majority of them. Your brother's exploits that day do not change this.
The Onion's funny because, thankfully, it's true. Getting an assignment to guard a random warehouse is far more likely than anything else, or, as a previous poster stated, the casualty rates would be far, far higher.
Dan Davis @ Nov 10th 2009 1:58PM
Ummm former U.S. Army Infantryman + Iraq Vet here...
This is..... FUNNY.
STFU.
BTW, happy Veterans Day to all my fellow Vets!
PedoJokerBear [Planeteer | Power of Gall Bladder] @ Nov 10th 2009 2:51PM
ex-navy (seal) here, this video is absolute truth!
PedoJokerBear [Planeteer | Power of Gall Bladder] @ Nov 10th 2009 2:52PM
co-sign dan, remembering all my fellow servicemen not only tomorrow but every day.
Dr.House @ Nov 11th 2009 12:15AM
Fact is people view things differently. Just because you may be a soldier or vet does not mean you are automatically required to think it is funny or unfunny since not all soldiers are in the military for the love of their country. (Many people join because they have no other option coming out of high school) It also does not mean that just because a few vets do think it's funny that all soldiers would. I'm sure most soldiers who haven't had a lot of combat experience would think it's funny man probably some that have, but their will be people who feel it under minds the sacrifices many soldiers make. I personally am not offended much. At first i felt a little offended, but the satire is directed at the Modern Warfare games not soldiers.
- House
lnternetjesus @ Nov 10th 2009 1:08PM
No you PR whipped Kotick spawn!
copa @ Nov 10th 2009 1:12PM
"If you want it to be realistic then you may as well pull their heart out of their chest and shit on it."
Wow, and I would have thought that those that actually served their country in a war would be disappointed to see you believe they spend their time "pulling each other's heart out" & "shitting on them". And not cleaning the vehicles afterward.
ducttapeBigSexy (PSN&XBL: ducttape12) @ Nov 10th 2009 1:19PM
If you're going to troll, write something relevant to this site (i.e., "teh 360 is better than teh PS3z!").
Or, at a bare minimum, write something that makes sense.
mazza_man @ Nov 10th 2009 1:25PM
I love The Onion ^^
LegendaryRedass @ Nov 10th 2009 1:37PM
I love onions period
BigD145 @ Nov 10th 2009 2:33PM
I'm not sure if Onion will be happy or pissed off that you love her _____
lnternetjesus @ Nov 10th 2009 1:31PM
Bobby has everything to do with this and you all know it! This is much bigger than console wars.
Buzzkiller @ Nov 10th 2009 1:44PM
classic. I lol'd. that is the first time I ever wrote lol and actually laughed
PedoJokerBear [Planeteer | Power of Gall Bladder] @ Nov 10th 2009 2:54PM
so...those times with me....were FAKE!?! :(
Buzzkiller @ Nov 11th 2009 2:32AM
I'm so sorry
EvoHelix @ Nov 10th 2009 1:47PM
I'm now convinced that you have no idea what you're talking about.
Keep it up and I don't think you'll last another day on Joystiq.
Aerothorn @ Nov 10th 2009 2:01PM
The sad thing is, this would probably be a better game than Modern Warfare 1 or 2. I mean, it would at least have some sort of artistic/educational value.
MrAlex @ Nov 11th 2009 11:49AM
I'd say they have quite a lot of artistic value, the powerful historical quotes when you die, the terrorist scene, pretty artistic and powerful would you not say...
Or are you just a douche who doesn't like the game.
Creeber @ Nov 10th 2009 2:25PM
Whats up with the "Only on Xbox 360" logo on the boxart?? Sweeeet lol
Snake Robot Podium @ Nov 12th 2009 8:51AM
Lol, even though they talk about the Wii peripheral. Or is the Wii version an on rails MW2?
james @ Nov 10th 2009 2:37PM
I quickly read and the title and became exited.
I then re-read the title and became upset.