No, no, not Nancy Kerrigan-esque lead pipe handicapping (though we may
wish we had that kind of power by the time all is said and done). No, we're laying down odds on
The Tester's second season cast members, who will fight to continue the legacy of
first season champ Will "Cyrus" Powers and take a job as a QA tester at PlayStation.
The contestants have apparently chosen to ignore the desperate, Morse-coded messages Cyrus continually taps out on the desk he's chained to at Sony; begging for either sustenance or the sweet release of death.
So ... let's get started, shall we?
Note: We're basing all analysis on the
cast profiles here, many of which we've barely skimmed. So,
really, we're basing it on their names and faces. Sorry in advance.
8bit-mickey
Odds: 7-to-1
Mickey says in his video he wants to make people feel "a little awkward, yet comfortable," so we know he leaves jobs half-finished. Not a good sign.
Big Fazeek
Odds: 3-to-1
The way the games industry works, we'll probably end up meeting Fazeek at PAX or E3 or something, and he looks like he could kick the ever-loving shit out of us. So ... umm ... we're pulling for you, big guy!
Boo
Odds: 17-to-1
Mom?
Ches-ka
Odds: 99-to-1
Ches-ka's real name is Francesca Bologna, so we're penalizing her for not choosing Frankie Baloney as her handle. Sorry
Ches-ka Frankie B.
FantasyGirl
Odds: 4-to-1
FantasyGirl has a "passion for drawing and graphic design," a passion she's apparently trying to have forcibly beat from her by getting hired to play the the first half of the third level of
Jak and Daxter 7 roughly 170 times per day.
Gaymer
Odds: 5-to-1
Man, Gaymer took the strict instructions to "choose a handle that reflects the gender/social quota you've been hired to fill" and just
ran with it, didn't he? Also, he claims he stayed up all night playing
The Getaway, so we know he's willing to say ANYTHING to get the job.
Max1m
Odds: 2-to-1
Honestly, will you just
look at the guy? Of
course he's going to win! The only way our buddy Max1m could lose is if he gets bored of all those nerds, tells them he's got a windsurfing competition in Cabo he can't miss and hang glides out the window. Hell, he could probably do that and
still win.
Mo Chocolate
Odds: 1-to-1
Okay, sorry Max1m, but we picked you before we met Mo Chocolate, so we've had to preemptively proclaim him the statistical winner of
The Tester Season 2. All apologies, but
look at that smile! We've gone years without feeling the state of bliss Mo Chocolate is transported to via the simple act of having his picture taken by an intern for a fake reality show.
He's already won.
Samurai
Odds: 1,000-to-1
Samurai is a dedicated gamer who has a Platinum Trophy in
Demon's Souls. Clearly he has no business being on
The Tester.
Scooter
Odds: 10,000-to-1
With our poor odds, we're intentionally trying to frustrate Mr. Spector so he'll quit the show and finish
Epic Mickey. Sorry Warren, but it's for your own good.
War Princess
Odds: 8-to-1
We didn't have anything funny to write about War Princess, so we decided to use this space to tell you that "Scooter" is not, in fact, Warren Spector, but rather 26-year-old Levi Kovalik. We're ruining our hilarious Warren Spector gag so we can relay that Mr. Kovalik lists Jim Carrey as "my hero in everything I do." Really.
Tripplethreat
Odds: 29-to-1
We're assuming her handle is (in keeping with policy) a reference to the fact that she (1) is a girl, (2) has pink hair and (3) can't spell. Three demographics in one!
Final thoughts: Well, we've put our predictions out there, but there's only one sure way to find out who'll emerge victorious and that's to watch the second season of
The Tester yourself when it kicks off on PSN!
... That or, you know, wait a few minutes and forget it exists. Either way.
