Fighters Uncaged unreview: It's unbelievably ungood

One time, I was pushing a TV around so I could watch He-Man while I ate my Cap'n Crunch in the dining room. I was four years old. I accidentally pushed the TV over, bringing it smashing down on my finger. I had to get eight stitches and I eventually lost the fingernail.

Kinect reviews

I mention this only so you can fully appreciate the gravity of me saying that the half-hour I spent with Fighters Uncaged was the very worst TV-related thing that has ever happened to me. It's ugly, the fighting moves only work half of the time (except for ones like the straight right leg kick, which work none of the time). The training goes on forever before you get to the first round of actual fighting, which is against ... your trainer. It's terrible. I would erase Kinect from the fabric of time if it meant Fighters Uncaged would similarly be lost to the ether.

I'm not giving it a score because I think scoring a game after a half hour sets a bad precedent, and I'd rather eat a rain-soaked box of poison buttholes than ever play Fighters Uncaged again.

Reader Comments (118)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Nice.

Maybe you should have tried a Junior Kick or a Kick to Spirit.

@Ellimem

Or a "kick the shit out of this game" kick.

Also, are all of these games playable with a controller or exclusively with kinect?

@Ellimem I would have gone for a taint kick myself

@SnorlaxTheSerialKiller are you saying that you would rather play a kinect game with a controller rather than with the Kinect??? I think you are missing the point of the kinect

Justin = wins

@alfighter27

Wow! When I was three I stuck my finger through a bicycle chain and it got caught in the spokes... tons of stitches... lost my nail too... well... most of it. This little sliver pokes out. Perfect for scratching people I guess... though it falls off every half year or so...

[Hilarious unreview by the way]

@skyblaze

I'm sorry, but I laughed hysterically at your story.

@skyblaze Upvoted for sheer randomness of that comment.

"I'd rather eat a rain-soaked box of poison buttholes than ever play Fighters Uncaged again."

Thank you for letting me read this, Mr. McElroy. I will use this phrase whenever possible form now on.

@Fail57

You'd think being soaked would help swallow the buttholes. I mean, dry buttholes? No thanks.

"I'm not giving it a score because I think scoring a game after a half hour sets a bad precedent"

Then why even bo-

"and I'd rather eat a rain-soaked box of poison buttholes than ever play Fighters Uncaged again."

...oh.

LOL

But how many stars?? I can't tell how much you liked it without the stars!!

@TLatshaw

Obviously he liked the game TOO MUCH to rate it using our pathetic human calculations. Think of it as a hundred-million stars.

@Mach2 For what i read the game got 5 stars, but blank.

@jmr1986 But that'd mean a rain-soaked box of poison buttholes would have to receive at least 5.5 blank stars.

@Mach2 you sir. Have made my day.

that review just made my day

Is the word "exhausted" misspelled in that screenshot?

@logicbus

nice catch. how did that not get caught in QA? guess they must have hated the game as much as justin.

@logicbus I caught it in our announcement post for the game: http://www.joystiq.com/2010/08/18/ubisoft-announces-fighters-uncaged-for-kinect-why-were-they/

@logicbus dern i think you are right. lol thats awesome.

@chrisgrant
Now I feel slightly sheepish. Assuming the screenshot for Justin's unreview is new, then no one at AMA Studios either A) read press on their own game in August or B) took the time to fix the typo which was pointed out by press in August.

@logicbus

Maybe its the characters name or something

@logicbus That screenshot must be old. Giantbomb is playing it live as I type and it's spell correctly.

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that it wasn't that good a game.

@Burnflare

Whoa Burnflare, lets not go that far.

@Burnflare

Slow down there, tiger. That's a lot to infer from a review that has no number grade.

I assume this'll show up on meta as a 0/5?

@SuperWoody64 That's why it's an UNreview – it's not a review, it won't be on Metacritic, and it's not stored in our "Review" tab on the Fighters Uncaged page. Instead, you can think of this as why we won't have a real review at the 'stiq.

@chrisgrant And THAT is why I read Joystiq :P.

@chrisgrant
It's actually under the reviews tab...

Has anything else ever been this bad? I can't imagine being that terrible but it's at a solid 39 on meta now.

@SuperWoody64

LOL

Official Xbox Magazine: 60

Not biased at all.

@Ashitaka
Holy shart, really? Not that I really pay attention to the reviews unless they reflect my view on a game. Turrible OXM.

@Ashitaka
Oh not its totally fair, no need to worry about biased reviews >.>

@That Zombie Guy *no

Seriously Joystiq... an edit button would make my day so much better for my simple screw ups such as this.

@SuperWoody64

I think they should upload a complete review and give it a negative score so the metacritic goes down D:

The Best review?

That's the funniest thing I've read all week. Thank you Justin for at least squeezing a five minute giggle of entertainment for your readers out of this horrible game. Sounds like that's the most entertainment it will grant anyone.

This is how most reviews should be.

no! give it minus zero stars! legendary ungood game!

Best quote I've ever read in a review.

Seriously, you need to do more reviews.

Best game review I've seen in a long time.

I will also be using the phrase "I'd rather eat a rain-soaked box of poison buttholes" in my every day life.

@mcstein2s

thats the least you could call it

This is another nail in the Kinect Koffon. and by the sounds of it Kinect is going to dreamcast

So is this possibly entry number two in the fabled Joystiq Quitter hall of shame? Velvet Assassin must be getting pretty lonely!

You never cease to amaze Justin

@phillipsteak He must be easily amazed then

It's the Superman 64 for Kinect.

@Zacxx201 which is Superman 64 for the 360!

| 1 | 2 | 3 | Most Recent | Next 50 Comments