Eric Caoili is slow in the pants

Three cheers for Sonic who got a raw deal from angry Nintendo fanboy critics in the past, and gets a raw deal from misanthropic Milky-esque reviewers in the future. Except for the last three Sonic games, which were perversely awful.

Dear Mr. Duckworth:

Oblivion is a shit game as is Fable. Fable didn't try to do anything because Fable didn't have a single innovation or decent gameplay accoutrement. Oblivion simply took Morrowind, cut off its testicles, and ran away to a simple crowd.

I'm happy you enjoy weak games, Mr. Duckworth, but I am not one of those weak game enjoyers.

Fable is a failed attempt at consolizing a wannabe of Morrowind, which Oblivion actually was, and hence sucked because. How somebody could suggest that Fable strived to do anything more than suck, and how Oblivion could've been said to do something positive requires a definite slap to the face in hopes of, but not limited to, permanent retardation.

And who in their right mind would equate action RPGs with any type of speed, especially Sonic speed. Sonic is best equated with a racing game if it's not a communist platformer, and while Sonic speed will never be as fast as Eric Caoili's speed in the bedroom. It's still pretty damn fast. You may ask yourself, isn't Eric Caoili slow in the pants? The answer is yes, he is.

Also, did I mention comparing action RPGS to Sonic is ridiculous? Those aren't fast, those are slow, like Eric Caoili in the pants.

BPM, maybe you should insert Drano into your vagina for some much needed cleaning up that your favorite mantoy Zach Braff couldn't fulfill with his tongue.

Subcultures, as a rule, are full of bullshit. DS Fanboy is representative of a subculture of nimrodic Nintendo sapphic worshippers. They worship the red, green, and pink that Nintendo puts on display for the ritalin addicted Japanese card playing crowd and their mothers, and their dead grandfathers. Their grandfather's spirits.

If you belong to a subculture, check your genitalia at the gate. It will be better served to be attached to lesbians for procreation of alpha she-males. Because if you belong to the subculture of nimrodicity, you might just have Zach Braff cleaning out your vagina with Drano.

Lerk Ma! The big electric God stick is producin and cultivatin a track from the Nintendo! Get yer sunday clothes, we goin dancin tonite!

What a terrible post. From the bowels of Nintendo fanchild stupidity comes the prototypical fanboy rant delodged from the most steadfast Nintendo nerd Sega hating appendix recharged for use. Eric Caoili, you girl in boy's underwear, you know nothing.

The fact that this decision is totally Bioware's, that it was their decision to sell out as it would seem. Though their increasingly consolized development directive means THEY ALREADY SOLD OUT. Meaning that it's hilarious to expect a DS rpg of any classic quality regardless of what franchise it takes part in.

And then there's the fact that THE ONLY QUALITY SONICS ARE ON NINTENDO PLATFORMS. DS fanboy, the carrier of the Nintendo handheld torch, is criticizing a "tired" series that has provided some of the most fun the platforms have EVER seen. Of course, the Nintendo nerd's now recharged appendix for Sega hatred remains ignorant of the fact, just as the full in use appendix of the 16 bit wars of olde was ignorant of Sonic quality.

So, while you dream up a scenario of revolutions for the Nintendo fanboy collective you preach to, you obfuscate to without regard to basic knowledge, you lead astray without reason, you forget facts: Bioware is long gone to corporate interests, unsatisfying and boring gameplay without depth, and they are scared shitless of innovative risks. Sonic remains a viable game series for the Nintendo handhelds, arguably the greatest platforming series birthed out of the GBA and continued on its successor.

You forget that your fanboy interests are already aligned with the Sonic star, that you should be jumping for joy at this announcement, wearing a tutu and drinking vodka whilst goosing one of the PSP fanboys because it's dangerous and dangerous is good. You also forget that even if you can't let your irrational Sonic hatred and equally irrational Bioware worship go, you know that each game deserves to be viewed in context, judged on release, not via previews. That even something that makes sense to logical minds (in otherwords, something that wouldn't make sense to you) can be good, worth playing.

You fail, Eric Caoili, you fail as a Nintendo DS fanboy. Shame on you.