And just when you thought things were going so well. This week's inescapably cataclysmic sales charts confirm what we've all suspected since 2004 -- the Nintendo DS is nothing more than a farcical fad. Microsoft may have waited until this week to deal with their Red Ring of Death problem, but Nintendo had best act faster to resolve their imminent Red Arrow of Debilitation plight. Even those with the most cursory of interests in hardware sales can see the deadly signs spelling out the end of Nintendo's touchy-feely technology: D-O-O-M. E.
That bonus "E" is there for a reason, wonderfully capturing the sound emitted by surprised Nintendo executives experiencing a rude awakening. It's the sort of wake-up call that transpires when someone replaces your pillow with a crocodile on the same day you decided to wear your special salami pajamas (lovingly referred to as salamajamas). Time to pack your bags and go home, Nintendo.
Okay, since you're already in Japan, just pack your bags. Pack your bags with demolished dreams and haunting regrets.
When does mere coincidence become conspiracy? It's an appropriate question to ask given the curious state of this week's Japanese hardware sales, which seem to hint at an unseen entity unfairly adjusting parameters and altering the accepted balance of things. Indeed, the original Nintendo DS seems to have been given life again -- 30 lives compared to last week's zero. Could Konami's recent announcement of side-scrolling shooter sequel, Contra 4, have played a part in all this?
We'd share the answers with you... but that would be cheating.
- DS Lite: 163,888 45,204 (38.09%) - Wii: 65,582 61 (0.09%) - PSP: 32,984 375 (1.12%) - PS2: 11,962 12 (0.10%) - PS3: 9,581 100 (1.05%) - Xbox 360: 3,369 4,214 (55.57%) - Game Boy Micro: 284 87 (23.45%) - GBA SP: 130 342 (72.46%) - Gamecube: 82 B 141 (63.23%) - DS Phat: 30 A 30 (N/A%)
[Note: In order to receive an "A" for "Alright" rating from the Irreverent News Entertainment Policing Team, the following article may have undergone some language censoring.]
I only have one fishy question to ask you bunch of cats. What the Ferengi do you care about that Japan place? You sit there at your French cuisine computer all day, debating the finer points of a bunch of mother-frosty statistics from a country your sorry asparagus has never even seen outside of some fabergé egg hentai show. Do you really give a disco that the release of Namco's Trusty Bell (Eternal Sonata for you English pneumatic drills) gave the Xbox 360 close to a 200percent boost? Flamingo me!
Are you actually curious as to why Ninja Gaiden Sigma failed to have the same Forrest Gump effect on the PS3? You Ferris wheel grinders need to stop this ridiculous desktop debating, you hear? Darn you. Darn you all to hobnob.
And so, the Church of England vs. Sonysagaat last seems to be inching towards a resolution. How did it ever turn into such a mess? The answer to that question, obtained only through ingenious hacking techniques, lies after the break (that place we put all the nonsense that has nothing to do with sales charts). The lesson to be learned, of course, is that when you're creating a work of fiction or designing a game, it's best to avoid any real locales. Actually, just make sure the whole thing takes place in outer space. There's nobody there.
"Double you tea eff, Ludwig," you say. "It's Saturday! These charts are late! I demand an explanation, you wretched excuse for a human being!" And an explanation is just what you'll receive, one that is meticulously crafted to your exact specifications. Find it after the break and substitute as necessary.
We're not particularly fond of traditional corporate meetings. As a platform for communication, we find that a meeting frequently fails on multiple fronts, particularly the one that requires human beings to spit verbs at each other within, well, spitting distance. We much prefer the impersonal touch of an electronic network, though this is often unsuitable when a matter is of particularly urgency. Keiji Inafune's recent distress regarding the Mega Man franchise's supposed inability to recoup its "next-gen" costs is indeed urgent, and in urgent need of a good collar grab and face slap.
For the sake of the blue bomber, we endured an intense meeting with Capcom's own negative Nelly, the transcription of which can be found after the break (you know, that part where we put stuff that has nothing to do with the sales charts).
Lick your screen. Go on, do it. You'll find it to have a sort of artificial non-taste, with just a hint of static and dust. Incidentally, that's precisely what a DS sandwich tastes like, one freshly made from this week's Japanese sales charts. The sleeker DS Lite still reigns at the top while its older and comparatively obese sibling languishes at the bottom, slowly getting devoured by a seeping mustard menace. Which... would be the GBA, we guess. This paragraph doesn't make a lot of sense, we admit.
If you'll cast your browser back in time to late February 2006, you'll note how the original DS was once the best selling device in Japan. Those were certainly crazier times, as evidenced by this snapshot of January. The PSP reigning supreme? Surely, you must have lost your mind! Hey, we did just see you lick a computer screen, Shirley.
After a group of modders dug into the Halo 3 Beta code and seemingly discovered some embedded weapons and vehicles intended for the game's September release, we immediately set out to confirm the information for ourselves. Is there really a flamethrower hidden in there? Just what exactly is this "Chopper" vehicle? Depressingly, our frantic scratching through the code yielded no answers, only several bizarre items and unexpected discoveries.
First item: This week's Japanese hardware sales chart. It's appearance in the code seems awfully contrived, but it's sure to be useful during intense fanboy debate!
This week brings a fairly interesting edition of the closely followed Japanese hardware sales charts, with some unusual movements occurring at the bottom of the list. The Gamecube receives a minor and mysterious boost, managing to overtake both the Game Boy Advance SP and its diminutive sibling. The less diminutive, but undeniably dim GBA also moves up -- the only direction it could go after last week.
At the top, things are somewhat less interesting, almost bordering on cliché. The DS Lite remains an incredibly popular system, with the Wii staying above the 100,000 mark for the second week in a row. The PS2 and PS3 are still jostling for position while the Xbox 360 remains unmoved from its intractable spot. Not even Halo 3 can be relied on in Japan, though perhaps the sheer power of hyperbole will physically manifest and push it further up the charts.
Before your eyes glaze over at the sight of the Japanese hardware sales and your mind starts contemplating all the wonderful things you'll get up to this weekend, consider the unfortunate circumstance of today being Wednesday. Also, consider obtaining a better way of signaling the end of the week to yourself. Otherwise, you might find yourself sleeping in on a business day the next time a series of Japanese holidays, collectively known as Golden Week, delays the arrival of the weekly numbers beyond the usual Friday slot.
Just in case, though, we'll be sure to inform you when it really is Friday. (Hint: Check back the day after Thursday).
Oh, you think that the Xbox 360 Meh-lite is the only expensive and meaningful upgrade to arrive this week? And you firmly believe that any wound can be healed by the application of the correct type of cheese? Allow us to inform you then, that at least 50% of your current beliefs are wildly incorrect. What you see before you, on your monitor, in the section of the screen that displays this paragraph, is the significantly improved and undeniably elite version of the Japanese hardware sales charts!
Harnessing the ludicrous power of HDMI 1.3, we've enhanced our presentation beyond the low-resolution limits of your imagination. You're bound to recoil in horror -- horror at how primitive our previous display method was, that is! Stop blinking and closely scrutinize the detail that you didn't even know was there.
There were many buttons typed to bring you this information, but it is a fate they gladly endure in order to keep you abreast of things abroad. This week's Japanese charts reveal that all is still well in the land of Nintendonia, where people waggle without care and enjoy the company of their portable money printers. But in the land of Sony, er, land, things are somewhat gloomy.
Indeed, the PS3 will have to double its efforts -- which means the Xbox 360 had better start practicing some serious multiplication.
Having recovered from the crushing disappointment that was Resident Evil: The Umbrella Chronicles and its complete and utter failure to incorporate a deranged Mary Poppins (equipped with bionic limbs and a strong desire to open her primary weapon inside zombie orifices), a great number of gamers may find themselves in a ponderous mood. Why, just looking at Resident Evil 4, how can one not be compelled to ask, "What happened to this glorious, gore-ious franchise?"
What happened to slowly inching your way down a corridor, nearly paralyzed by the fear of how the next sudden camera angle might mangle your chances of survival? What happened to the constant interruptions provided by a vague health gauge that could only be accessed on another screen? Where did the dramatic exchanges between characters, so delightfully peppered with Jill sandwiches and Chris' blood, run off to? What happened to having your head ripped apart by an off-screen opponent, or struggling to shoot a dog because your highly trained S.T.A.R.S. agent has no idea how to aim a gun? What happened to inserting the crystal tiara into the cobalt iguana statue in order to unlock the underwater opera house?
Thanks a lot, Capcom. Your recent meddling has completely ruined a wonderful franchise.
I used to have everything under control. My business, my cases, my finances -- my life. There was a time when I thought my decisions were sound, but like leaving your finest china at the end of a bowling alley, it's the sound that lets you know you've made a bad decision and that you've turned your back far too quickly. Hindsight isn't 20/20 when you've got bits of teacup sticking out of your retina.
It wasn't until that last case that everything shattered into pieces.
ATTACHED EVIDENCE: SALES CHARTS FOR MAR. 26 - APR. 1
"What if?" It's a question, albeit a lazily constructed one, that we here at Joystiq often enjoy asking. What if the PlayStation 3 was cheaper? What if the DS Lite was a miserable failure? What if human beings had balloon whisks for arms and flashlights for eyes and were forced to lead an existence composed entirely of unblinking and brightly lit baking? All important questions, though none as important as the one recently posed by the Olympic union of Mario and Sonic, two of gaming's most famous guys who jump on other guys to kill them.
What if Mario chose someone else to go to the Olympics?
And just when you thought things were going so well. This week's inescapably cataclysmic sales charts confirm what we've all suspected since 2004 -- the Nintendo DS is nothing more than a farcical fad. Microsoft may have waited until this week to deal with their Red Ring of Death problem, but Nintendo had best act faster to resolve their imminent Red Arrow of Debilitation plight. Even those with the most cursory of interests in hardware sales can see the deadly signs spelling out the end of Nintendo's touchy-feely technology: D-O-O-M. E.
6,453 (3.94%)
8,337 (12.71%)
100 (1.05%) 
4,214 (55.57%)
87 (23.45%)
"Double you tea eff, Ludwig," you say. "It's Saturday! These charts are late! I demand an explanation, you wretched excuse for a human being!" And an explanation is just what you'll receive, one that is meticulously crafted to your exact specifications. Find it after the break and substitute as necessary.
We're not particularly fond of traditional corporate meetings. As a platform for communication, we find that a meeting frequently fails on multiple fronts, particularly the one that requires human beings to spit verbs at each other within, well, spitting distance. We much prefer the impersonal touch of an electronic network, though this is often unsuitable when a matter is of particularly urgency. Keiji Inafune's 
Lick your screen. Go on, do it. You'll find it to have a sort of artificial non-taste, with just a hint of static and dust. Incidentally, that's precisely what a DS sandwich tastes like, one freshly made from this week's Japanese sales charts. The sleeker DS Lite still reigns at the top while its older and comparatively obese sibling languishes at the bottom, slowly getting devoured by a seeping mustard menace. Which... would be the GBA, we guess. This paragraph doesn't make a lot of sense, we admit.
After a group of 
Hyperbole OFF:
Before your eyes 
There were many buttons typed to bring you this information, but it is a fate they gladly endure in order to keep you abreast of things abroad. This week's Japanese charts reveal that all is still well in the land of 
CASE FILE B-854, "THE ERA OF AN END"
"What if?" It's a question, albeit a lazily constructed one, that we here at Joystiq often enjoy asking. What if the PlayStation 3 was cheaper? What if the DS Lite was a miserable failure? What if human beings had balloon whisks for arms and flashlights for eyes and were forced to lead an existence composed entirely of unblinking and brightly lit baking? All important questions, though none as important as the one recently posed by the 
