What's better than playing golf with your favorite Nintendo characters in the comfort of your own imagination? Wielding a sword and playing a character named "Bowie," of course!

• Mario Golf (Nintendo 64, 1-4 players, 1,000 Wii Points): Arguably the best in the Mario Golf series and certainly one of the cheapest. It just makes us wonder why Nintendo hasn't slapped together its cast of characters into a Wii golf game yet.
  
• Shining Force II (Sega Genesis, 1 player, 800 Wii Points): You've got a sword in a fantasy medieval setting that rewards you for swinging said blade at others. Also, did we mention your main character is named Bowie?

To jog your memory, we've embedded videos of each title after the break.

It's a shame to see someone ditching their Nintendo 64 on the railroad tracks next to broken dreams and two empty Sprite bottles, especially when there's 17 versions of Rock Band 2 to look forward to.

[Thanks, Mike]

Having foiled countless doomsday devices, monologuing masterminds and aesthetically pleasing assassins, James Bond has felt the bite of reality and become inextricably entangled in a web of legal nonsense. Though an Xbox Live Arcade version of the classic N64 FPS, GoldenEye, continues to make appearances both in dreams and alleged screenshots, nobody's been able to pull the game out of a web spun by numerous lawyers and license holders. "It's kind of locked in this no man's land."

That's according to Rare's senior software engineer, Nick Burton, who recently discussed the game's fate with VideoGamer.com. "It's incredibly hard to solve because there's so many licence holders involved," explained Burton. "You've got the guys that own the license to the gaming rights now, the guys that have the licence to Bond as an IP, and there are umpteen licensees." Last time we checked, "umpteen" was quite a lot ... at least 37 or so.

Burton goes on to explain that the game's release is no longer in Rare's hands -- it's up to the publishers to figure out how Microsoft can get its hands on a Nintendo game starring one of Activision's favorite characters. "It's probably going to go down in the annuls of gaming history as one of the big mysteries."

Wait ... the "annuls" of gaming history? What an appropriate misspelling.

There aren't many gamers who don't harbor fond memories associated with the Nintendo 64's classic adventure (and to many, the greatest installment in the Hylian franchise), Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. In addition to its beloved story and incredible visuals, it was a groundbreaking third-person adventure through an intricately detailed fantasy world -- but would we (and Game Rankings) still hold the triforce-hunting adventure in such high regard if we had experienced Hyrule directly through the point-eared protagonist's eyes?

In a recent discussion between Nintendo president Satoru Iwata and revolutionary game developer (and Time's most influential person of 2008) Shigeru Miyamoto, it was outed that Shiggy secretly possesses a penchant for first-person shooters (notably, Rare's seminal N64 shooter Goldeneye), and that he'd considered creating Ocarina of Time using an Oblivion-esque first-person perspective. We're not quite sure how this would have affected the title -- but we're certainly terrified of the prospect of witnessing Darunia's sexy dance of seduction first-hand.

Do you know what we really, truly and utterly despise about Pokémon games? It's the fact that every time something Pokémon related pops out of Nintendo's red-and-white capsule, we have to go hunting for that "é." You know, the one with the thingy on top. That's a period of 45 minutes we could spend being super effective and writing about this week's Virtual Console releases.

• Pokémon Puzzle League (N64, 1-2 players, 1000 Wii Points): Pit those encapsulated creatures against one another in a battle of manic block rearrangement! Way to go!
  
• Renegade (NES, 1-2 players, 500 Wii Points): Clean up your city by punching and jump-kicking every thug, gangster, villain, lowlife, miscreant and suspicious loiterer you can find. So, pretty much everyone in the game then.

As we bid adieu to this All Fools' Day, it's time to take a broom to the leftover balderdash and sweep it out of the house so we can start fresh and clean tomorrow.

• Straightgamer.net -- OH NO! The boys over at GayGamer.net went to "therapy" and are now devout heterosexuals. Now all they can talk about is boobs, beer and babes. That's so not fierce!
• Lego Halo -- 1Up reposted EGM's April issue gag for the internets.
• Wii Want More -- A Wii downloadable content service?! ROFLCOPTERBBQ
• Brain Age Mobile for iPhone -- The Wiicast does a very subtle trick that any other day of the year might be believable.
• Reggie talks Earthbound -- Starmen.net spliced together some clips and gets Monsieur Fils-Aime talking frankly about Nintendo's thoughts on Earthbound in America.
• N64 games ported to DS -- Vooks.net got the scoop on some N64 titles being "retooled & refreshed" for the handheld.
• Final Fantasy XIII demo and Final Fantasy VII remake -- PSXExtreme didn't even try to be witty, they just went for some painful lies.

After being endlessly rumored and then sort-of-confirmed, we were pretty sure the currently-in-limbo XBLA version of Goldeneye 007 would remain in hiding for quite a while (questionable videos notwithstanding). Apparently not, as British mag Xbox World 360 announced via its blog today that next Wednesday's issue will include the world's first hands-on impressions of the port.

The short announcement, which was slowly leaked via a screenshot jigsaw puzzle throughout the week, promises "never-seen shots and hands-on details" about the game's differences, improvements, and information on how we can "make sure this incredible remake does see the light of day." That last bit is a little worrying to us, as it implies there's still a chance the game won't see the light of day. What can we do to help? Circulate a petition? Protest at Rare headquarters? Sacrifice our pets to Satan? FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY TELL US!

Next Tuesday, Japanese Wii owners will be able to download the underrated N64 title Pokémon Snap on the Wii's Virtual Console. Unique to this release, however, will be newly added Wii functionality, setting an interesting precedent for future VC releases.

Dengeki Online reports that photographs taken in-game can be posted to the Wii Message Board, and sent along to friends using the Wii's internet connection. While this isn't a terribly interesting use of the Wii functionality, it does show that Nintendo is willing to add new features to Virtual Console titles. No word yet on when Pokémon Snap will be making its debut in other regions, but could other upcoming VC titles be receiving similar treatment?

[Via CVG]

No, Marty and the Doc weren't messing around with the space-time continuum again, but advertisements for the Wii and DS are appearing in Wave Race 64, the 1996 Nintendo 64 racing title, which was made available on the Virtual Console this morning.

The simple ads appear as banners alongside the courses in the game, replacing the Kawasaki ads which appeared in the original title. Most likely, whatever licensing deal Nintendo made with Kawasaki in the 90s has since expired, and they needed to replace those textures with something else for legal reasons. Still, it's a little odd seeing ads for brand new systems in a two-generations-old game. It does prove, however, that Nintendo is able to swap out textures in the VC roms. Here's hoping they don't get all evil with the practice.

There was a time when the N64 kid ruled the roost of Nintendo overreactions; well, this Pokémon kid featured above is definitely in the running to overtake him. At least the Pokémon kid hasn't had a McDonalds or BMW ad made from his homage or moment of utter blissplosion, but we'll give Madison Avenue to the end of the month to figure something out. Our Pokémon scream decipher technology is on the fritz at the moment, so we don't understand what the kid is screaming about, but we're pretty certain one of our faithful readers will figure it out by comment 10.

[Via TheStranger]

Over ten years after the Nintendo 64 debut of Turok, Propaganda Games is getting ready to roll out a PS3 and Xbox 360 update to the dinosaur-hunting FPS. Set on a mysterious planet in the future, Turok and a squad of elite soldiers are tasked with apprehending his former mentor, Roland Kane. Unfortunately things don't go quite as planned and Turok and crew find themselves stuck in the middle of a dense dinosaur-filled jungle.

IGN's recent hands-on with the Xbox 360 version of Turok shows that some of the technology and options in the game are "beyond sweet". For example, Turok really lets you get the gore on with creative ways of disposing of dinosaur foes. Sticky grenades on a raptor's back sounds pretty sweet to us. Combine that with an intelligent, living environment, and teammates that do more than serve as ammunition shields and "beyond sweet" sounds like a fitting phrase. Turok will be ready to storm out the gate in Q1 2008.

Chances are that you probably have an old N64 sitting around somewhere, gathering dust. If not, you can pick one up on eBay for around twenty bucks. The trouble is, it's probably covered in grime, stickers, lint and other crud. However, now you can restore that console and the cartridges to the showroom luster they deserve.

Check out the guide Shamoozal has put together that'll take you step by step through the cleaning process. You'll have to visit eBay again for a couple of tools (ironically one is an N64 Cleaning Kit), and pick up some simple things like q-tips and rubbing alcohol (what's in that Cleaning Kit anyhow? A damp washcloth?) and get to work.

Although you might spend more on the cleanup than you did on the actual console, making it look shiny like it was right out of the box = priceless. Folks will take one look and say N64? More like NEW64, amirite?

CNET UK recently unveiled a "totally subjective" top five list of the best video game controllers of all time. Heading the pack is Atari's one-button joystick, joined by the SNES controller, and the N64 and PS2 controllers. Surprisingly enough, the Xbox 360 pad lands on the list for being the first to make wireless design a standard. The Wii remote was mentioned but quickly dismissed, as it hasn't been around long enough to prove itself as a revolutionary device.

It's a rather obvious list that omits innovation in favor of time-tested design. Atari's joystick was nothing short of groundbreaking in its day, as were the SNES and N64 controllers. And we're just broken to bits that the PS3 boomerang never had the chance to fight for a spot on this list.

[Via Xbox 360 Fanboy]

As you might have surmised (admittedly, the headline is a big help), Star Fox 64 (N64) tops the list of retro goodies arriving on the Wii today:

• Star Fox 64 - N64 - 1,000 points ($10)
• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - NES - 600 points ($6)
• Dragon's Curse - TurboGrafx 16 - 600 points ($6)

All three titles are available for download now. What isn't available for download at this time, however, is an explanation as to why we're expected to shell out 100 points ($1) above the NES norm for Konami's turtle brawler. Perhaps we're being fined for that terrible pun in the last sentence.