Step right this way 360 owners, past the bearded woman, under the tent flap and into "Bizarro World!" In this world, 360 versions of things are always delayed, while PS3 players get to enjoy them first. Look, over there! That's a PS3 owner enjoying the new Burnout Paradise update "Cagney" today, and you've got to wait for it! And not just a few days like we originally thought! No, Criterion's now saying you're going to be waiting until at least July 24! The terror!

And look, over there, it's ... actually, that's the only exhibit we've got, sorry folks. Drive safely don't forget that your ticket stubs are good for 50 percent off at Pizza In a Cup.

[Thanks, SharpShooter]

Fans of Criterion's vehicular vehicleslaughter sim Burnout Paradise were supposed to receive the title's third major update this coming Thursday, codenamed "Cagney". The vaudevillian actor-turned-downloadable content will give Paradisians the opportunity to play through more than 70 events online in FreeBurn mode -- unfortunately, Paradisians of the Xbox 360 variety will have to wait a bit longer than their PS3 counterparts to enjoy the free update.

Unsurprisingly, the source of the hold-up is the rigorous Xbox Live certification process, which took longer than Criterion had expected. Their new release date for "Cagney" is the following Monday, July 14 -- though this delay won't affect PS3 owners. Nor will it affect DS owners, restaurant entrepreneurs, professional poker players, the current Dalai Lama, or the actual James Cagney, who is, in fact, deceased.

With nine days to go until Criterion's crazy-fast racer gets an infusion of new content via the "Codename: Cagney" update, designer Simon Phipps has confirmed on the PlayStation Blog that the game will also receive support for PlayStation Trophies "soon." He says that Trophy support won't be part of "Cagney," which will introduce 70 timed Freeburn challenges for the game's online component.

In a surprise turn, Phipps also revealed that Criterion was "thinking ahead" and the Trophies will, in fact, be retroactive, meaning that players will receive them for feats already performed in the game. This is, according to Phipps, possible because of the way Burnout Paradise save data is linked to players' PSN accounts, which also means it won't be happening in other PS3 games en masse.

When Criterion Games announced that it was building a version of Burnout Paradise "specifically" for the PC, our minds raced with ideas of what the devs might have in store of armchair racers unable to break away from their keyboard and mouse. While we're still in the dark concerning the port's "expanded multiplayer, enhanced online features, and community driven content," Criterion has softened those shadows by announcing that the PC version will support some fancy techno-babble known as 'ambient occlusion.'

Wondering what this will mean for you as you're barreling down the streets of Paradise City? We'll let Criterion explain: "It's an effect that uses soft shadows to add extra depth. Enclosed spaces naturally receive less light than open spaces and look darker – that helps us to see how close objects are to each other." We'll be honest, just judging by the above comparison shot it's difficult for our eyeballs to tell much of a difference, though admittedly Burnout Paradise was already easy on the eyes. Besides, shadows are the last thing on our mind as we smash headlong into the concrete median.

Burnout Paradise's forthcoming "Cagney" patch will peel out on Thursday, July 10 according to developer Criterion Games, finally letting Paradise City motorists take the game's Stunt Run, Road Rage, and Marked Man events online in FreeBurn.

The previously announced update will also introduce 70 new FreeBurn challenges, a handful of new liveries, a trunk full of bug fixes, and a pair of new vehicles just waiting to be wrapped around a light pole. Once applied, PS3 drivers can also look forward to finally being able to orchestrate their crashes to custom soundtracks. As the first of three new expansion islands, "Cagney" looks to include plenty to keep our four wheels spinning, at least until August when we begin to send motorcycles careening onto oncoming traffic.

Unbeknownst to us Earthdwellers, a week in Paradise is like really long. 19 days after Criterion assured us that its update to an update would be released "in around a week's time" (by May 2, at least), Burnout Paradise's "Bogart" content has been reissued for Xbox 360 and freed of any totally un-paradise-like frame rate issues. The revised update will auto-download for players connected to Xbox Live. Next up: "Cagney."

Console sandbox racer Burnout Paradise will soon be careening into oncoming traffic for PC, as developer Criterion announced this morning that it is rebuilding the title "specifically" to be played on a computer.

As the the first Burnout title to make the leap to the kingdom of the keyboard and mouse, Criterion is keeping mum on exactly what about Burnout Paradise is being tweaked in the move, stating only that the version will include "expanded multiplayer, enhanced online features, and community driven content." More information is expected to be announced later this morning as part of a live webcast on the Criterion Games website, so look for more PC-centric street carnage soon.

For the second time in as many weeks the developers at Criterion have given players of the PS3 version of Burnout Paradise a little extra hug. However, this time, instead of simply leveling the playing field, the devs have announced that they're working on what's called the Save Game Analyser -- a fancy way of letting perfectionists look at what they have and have not accomplished in the game.

The feature will let players import Burnout Paradise saves from the PS3 using a USB drive or Memory Stick and onto the official Criterion website in order to view all of their unfinished business on the streets of Paradise City. A post on the Criterion website points out that the developers are putting the final coat of paint on the feature, and while no release date as been announced the post notes that it's expected to go live "imminently," which if we're lucky will give us just enough time to get our Hunter Citizen out of the shop.

On top of the previously announced three new online modes to be introduced in Burnout Paradise's so-called "Cagney" software update, developer Criterion has revealed that the forthcoming download will also level the pavement between the open-world racer's two console versions, finally bringing custom soundtracks to Burnout Paradise for the PS3.

After the update, PS3 owners will be able to get at their own music using the game's Easy Drive in-game menu, allowing them to cycle through their own collection of tunes while trying to avoid careening into oncoming traffic. Even better, this update, welcome as it is, is just one of several Criterion has planned this year, ensuring many repeat visits to the junk yard in the months ahead.

With about seven days until Burnout Paradise's second update, codenamed Bogart, and just over a week since promising to transform the game's crash-centric Paradise City through a series of downloadable content updates, Criterion has announced that it is currently kicking the tires on three new FreeBurn game modes, adding online flavor to Stunt Run, Road Rage, and Marked Man.

According to Criterion, the online variants of both Stunt Run and Road Rage will support up to eight players at a time, while the number of drivers supported by Marked Man has not yet been specified. The trio of modes will be lumped in with the first of three previously announced expansion islands, codenamed "Cagney," and while no release date has been announced Criterion has confirmed that we can expect all three to pull up to the stoplight over "the next 12 months."

After perusing the lengthy list of fixes and "game experience enhancements" contained in Criterion's second update for Burnout Paradise – codenamed: Bogart – we're not sure how to respond. Should we applaud the new age of connected consoles, where increasingly sophisticated games can (and are!) patched and tweaked, smoothing out the ragged edges until all that remains is a shiny, smooth pebble? Or decry the now all-too-common practice of ship first, patch later? Reality is probably somewhere in between, so we're happy that Criterion is making the effort with an already very well received game.

The update includes everything from from "high priority" fixes to the "top 10 problems" identified by users. Fixes seem to be concentrated on online functionality and some interesting balancing tweaks; for example, Criterion explains, "We fixed Head-on Takedowns as these seemed generally unfair and unrealistic. Unfair low speed Takedowns have now been eradicated." Bogart pulls into the XBL and PSN filling stations on April 24, about seven weeks after the first patch.

We're most certainly taking Criterion's promise to "TRANSFORM" Burnout Paradise through a series of content updates too literally in our rendering above, but the developer's added emphasis just begs, What if...? Not one for serialized numbers, Criterion has chosen nicknames for its upcoming expansion islands, which will be distributed in this order: "Cagney," then "Davis," and then "Eastwood." We're assuming that the absence of a "Bay" upgrade essentially puts to rest our interpretation of Paradise transformed, but it doesn't mean Criterion won't consider our pitch. "We want to know what you think and you better believe we're listening to what you have to say," Criterion states on its blog. So, you listening?

Talk of new downloadable content for Burnout Paradise has been burbling around the Criterion Games website. On the forums, creative director Alex Ward has revealed that new cars will be made available as downloadable content in both the Xbox 360 and PS3 version. More exciting, though, is news of the expansion of Paradise City, with the introduction of several islands to the map. Perhaps even more exciting, however, is news that the islands will be offered as a free update to the game.

Details are still scarce at this point, but Alex Ward states that bridges from the main section of Paradise City will lead out to the new islands, each of which will offer "a different type of gameplay." Whether this means that islands will depart from the open-ended style of Paradise, or whether the terrain of each will be suited to certain play styles remains to be seen. The islands themselves will be offered as free, mandatory software updates, while the new cars will be sold via the traditional microtransaction system.

Zero Punctuation takes a spin in Burnout Paradise this week and discovers that cars have taken over Paradise City and people are nowhere to be found. The main sticking point Yahtzee has with the game is that while Burnout Paradise has an open world like Grand Theft Auto, requiring the player to look at a map during a high-speed chase is a bit awkward. He realizes the game isn't designed for him, but rather for people who don't have time to play games and are too busy having carnal relations.

This week's NSFW review of Burnout Paradise, involving a joke about female menstruation and biscuit mutilation, can be found after the break.

[Thanks, Sam]

Yeah, yeah, Burnout Paradise is the bees knees, the cat's pajamas, the, um, minimalist work of art. But that doesn't mean it's perfect, a fact that developer Criterion both admits and works to correct with a new patch that fixes many game-crashing and/or experience-altering bugs.

The problems fixed by the patch range from the urgent ("Some online race start points face the players in the wrong direction") to the goofy ("Surround sound fix - Centre speaker was 4dB louder") to the just plain weird ("Hammering the A (360) or X (PS3) after unlocking a car can cause the game to hang.") But only one listed bug truly made us sad: the one that caused "total time driven in player stats [to] stick at 145 hours." We can't help but feel sorry for those poor souls who spent over six whole days playing the game, only to have the game's statistics cruelly low-ball the amount of time they spent crashing virtual cars. Thankfully, because of this patch, their long national nightmare is over.