We have the extreme misfortune of writing this piece whilst still in the dank, viscid clutches of July 5th -- a 24-hour period universally accepted as the worst day ever. There's nothing pleasant about nursing broken ribs obtained during feverish slip n' sliding, nor is there anything worth celebrating in that $300 receipt for the illegal explosives you acquired last night -- yes, they were beautiful, but they were so brief. That money could have been spent on more important things, such as rent, or rib-doctor bills.

On this crummiest of days, it's as important as ever to try and find the silver lining in your life's costly, nauseating rain clouds. Sure, your highly illegal "Bottle Rocket Surprise" maneuver didn't work as well as you'd intended, but now that you don't have any hair left on your arms, you'll be able to swim really fast, like Michael Phelps, who is awesome.

Oh, and we've got Japanese Hardware Sales for you to digest! They may not be as juicy or flavorful as the nine Cheddarwurst you consumed last night, but at least they won't attempt to escape your body during the slimy alien autopsy scene in the middle of your annual viewing of Independence Day.
- DSi: 39,885 579 (1.43%)
- PSP: 26,789 1,095 (3.93%)
- Wii: 21,790 2,404 (12.40%)
- PS3: 11,310 951 (9.18%)
- Xbox 360: 5,766 968 (14.37%)
- DS Lite: 5,595 64 (1.16%)
- PS2: 3,578 192 (5.09%)

[Source: Media Create]

See: The hairless archives

Yo, popses! Old men! Dads! How did your specialest of special days go? Got lots of sweet gifts? Perhaps an assortment of patriotic ties? A cavalcade of Blu-ray sci-fi flicks (or sports biographies, depending on the degree of your own outdoorsiness)? A veeedeo game or two? A veeedeo game console, perhaps -- if you have the best kids ever. However, this isn't a forum to talk about the offerings of the fruits of your significant other's labors -- this is a tribute to you, pops. Our gift to you, in lieu of flagties:

"Hey, great work."

What? You wanted more? You've already got a minature version of yourself scampering about -- what else could you possibly want? Fine, we'll stick with delivering sales figures from faraway lands, and you stick to raising your spawn. It's an arrangement that's worked out for a couple years now. Let's not tamper with it.

- DSi: 36,872 1,911 (4.93%)
- PSP: 26,904 2,166 (7.45%)
- Wii: 18,442 1,265 (7.36%)
- PS3: 10,009 164 (1.61%)
- Xbox 360: 8,015 1,390 (20.98%)
- DS Lite: 5,408 256 (4.52%)
- PS2: 3,498 598 (14.60%)

[Source: Media Create]

See: The extremer archives

The news landed in our inbox with a dull, disappointing thwump -- last year's smashingly successful video game industry summit, the Extreme Electronic Entertainment Expo (or E4 as its three attendees affectionately called it), will not be opening its doors to the public this year. Yes, E4 Aught-Nine has been canceled due to the government-mandated quarantine of its small, residential venue. Apparently, when one of your roommates (we're not naming names, Steve) doesn't do dishes for three months, Swine Flu happens.

We know, dearest readers. We share in your disappointment. We had such big plans for this year's event (the reveal of Extreme Euchre II: Extremer Edition, further Binge Drinking sessions and the attendance of the fairer sex), plans that we suppose will have to wait 2010, if our Dish Virus hasn't decimated the world's populous by then. We suppose E3 2009 will adequately fill the gap -- we just find it difficult to reconcile the absence of that precious fourth vowel.

- DSi: 33,833 319 (0.93%)
- PSP: 27,536 1,147 (4.00%)
- Wii: 16,233 1,117 (7.39%)
- PS3: 10,932 673 (5.80%)
- DS Lite: 5,631 743 (15.20%)
- PS2: 4,075 55 (1.37%)
- Xbox 360: 3,854 621 (19.21%)

[Source: Media Create]

See: The extremer archives

34.62%. That's the average rate of decrease in the Japanese gaming hardware market over this past week. It's an unprecedented universal sales decline which scientists, analysts and scientanalysts are referring to as "The Thirdening."

"See, everyone's sales dropped by about one-third," Scientanalyst Robert Glasser explained. "Also, it kinda sounds like the title of that horrible Marky Mark film that came out last summer. We thought it was pretty clever."

While this startling phenomenon may have become an item of interest for the casual outside observer, those who've witnessed -- or worse, fallen prey to -- other historic sales declines find the situation to be far less amusing.

"I ain't ne'er seen nuffin like this," the now retired, farm-owning GameBoy Advance replied, clearly forgetting its own disastrous "Hundred Percentening" in 2003.

"We weren't too clever with the naming of that one," Glasser said. "I mean, 'Hundred Percentening,' really? Man, we totally dropped the ball."

- DSi: 34,152 21,230 (38.33%)
- PSP: 28,683 14,326 (33.31%)
- Wii: 15,116 9,281 (38.04%)
- PS3: 11,605 6,878 (37.21%)
- DS Lite: 4,888 2,933 (37.50%)
- PS2: 4,020 1,117 (21.74%)
- Xbox 360: 3,233 1,835 (36.21%)

[Source: Media Create]

See: The archivining

His back was to the wall. The sturdy bones of his glorious empire began to creak beneath the weight of recession and competition. For months, he'd been a footnote in the weekly rankings -- a position he was oh so unfamiliar with. It's this kind of pressure that causes men to do remarkable, unthinkable things. Things that defy conventions, treaties and the steadfast directions of one's own moral compass.

From atop the tallest parapet of the tallest tower, the aging king looked over his stagnant kingdom. Opposing troops, clad in hues of brilliant viridian and deepest black, stood ready at the borders. From miles away, he could see them -- a thousand little fists clenched tightly around a thousand little weapons. He exhaled sharply, breathing out the last reservation he'd held against the actions he knew he had to take. He looked over his shoulder, and addressed his mountainous vizier:

"Ready the troops, Commander Fils-Aime," he said. "Tonight, the Four Horsemen ride into battle."

By nightfall, the threat was vanquished. But at what cost? Filling the battlefield with simultaneous releases of new WarioWare, Pokémon Mystery Dungeon and Dragon Ball Z titles, joining the already blood-spattered Mario and Luigi RPG 3? He knew this power was unrivaled by any force in Heaven or on Earth. What mortal man deserves to control it?

The DSi reigned once again, but the addled king could not sleep.

- DSi: 55,382 6,249 (12.72%)
- PSP: 43,009 6,548 (13.21%)
- Wii: 24,397 2,851 (13.23%)
- PS3: 18,483 5,105 (21.64%)
- DS Lite: 7,821 281 (3.73%)
- PS2: 5,137 342 (6.24%)
- Xbox 360: 5,068 2,245 (30.70%)

[Source: Media Create]

See: The mountainous archives

Dearest PS3,

It's often been said that fools rush in where angels fear to tread -- now we finally understand why. Our seven-day romance burned too brightly, and, as a result, all too briefly. We said a lot of things -- we both did -- which we thought we meant at the time. Only now do we see it for what it was -- infatuation. It probably hurts you to hear this, but if it wasn't for Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children Complete, our relationship simply wouldn't have gotten off the ground. Hey, we'll always have Midgar, right?

I understand if you never want to talk to us again, but we'd really like it if we could still be friends. Hey, you know what friends do? They give their friends phone numbers. Let's start with the Wii. He just got this new Monster Hunter G and -- look, we're falling in love with him, okay? Why can't you just be happy for us? You're so selfish. We don't know what we ever saw in -- oh, that's right. The demo for that wonderful, wonderful game.

Listen, let's not kid ourselves -- we'll be getting back together this winter. Unless you can pop out another Yakuza sequel before then, we'll see you in Q4.

Love,
Japan

- PSP: 41,187 1,122 (2.80%)
- DSi: 37,495 792 (2.07%)
- PS3: 23,351 39,176 (62.65%)
- Wii: 18,439 5,218 (39.47%)
- Xbox 360: 7,016 1,636 (18.91%)
- DS Lite: 6,374 64 (0.99%)
- PS2: 4,524 294 (6.95%)

[Source: Media Create]

See: The brokenhearted archives

As most of you have probably already heard, the tides of this week's Japanese Hardware Sales war were violently shifted by a mere bonus feature emblazoned onto a certain Blu-ray disc. Okay, fine -- the Blu-ray disc in question was the highly anticipated Advent Children Complete, and the feature was an even highlier anticipated demo for Final Fantasy XIII, but still. If the insightful director's commentary on Weekend at Bernie's II caused a spike in Xbox 360 sales, you'd find that a tad curious, no?

Though the console sales figures are continuing to drop at a slow but steady pace, this demo-fueled PS3 upswing gives us some hope. Can you imagine what those figures are going to look like when the full version of FFXIII hits Japanese store shelves? We're not certain our trusty TI-89 can calculate percentage change when a number jumps from 30,000 to a hundred-million bajillion.

- PS3: 62,527 45,826 (274.39%)
- PSP: 40,065 821 (2.01%)
- DSi: 38,287 2,386 (5.87%)
- Wii: 13,221 128 (0.96%)
- Xbox 360: 8,652 1,482 (14.62%)
- DS Lite: 6,438 431 (6.27%)
- PS2: 4,230 301 (6.64%)

[Source: Media Create]

See: The spiky-haired, effeminate archives

Regardless of how you feel about Microsoft's fair-hued, green-eyed console -- that is to say, whether you're an Xbot, a Sonyholic or a True BeWiiver (that is the correct nomenclature, no?) -- you've got to admire the little guy's pluck. Amidst a seemingly unstoppable downward sales trend for all Japanese gaming hardware, he persistently climbs upward every week, a lonely chrysanthemum blossoming from a crisp snow bank, a salmon swimming upstream, trying to get him some strange fish tail.

We're hereby rooting for the 360 -- not due to some illogical bias that some of you are convinced we harbor -- but rather, due to the large section of our heart set aside for sympathizing with the underdog. Hopefully, with our motivational support, the 360 can continue its uphill battle -- though we're afraid the other six competitors will need encouragement of a much more potent variety.

- PSP: 40,886 7,232 (15.03%)
- DSi: 40,673 13,007 (24.23%)
- PS3: 16,701 3,661 (17.98%)
- Wii: 13,349 2,176 (14.02%)
- Xbox 360: 10,134 2,322 (29.72%)
- DS Lite: 6,869 1,860 (21.31%)
- PS2: 4,531 863 (16.00%)

[Source: Media Create]

See: The unstoppable archives

Update: With jaguar-like swiftness, Fezzikk managed to find all five eggs in a little under an hour and a half, and will receive the fame-brushing of a lifetime during the next podcast. Enjoy your new-found notoriety, and thanks to everyone for playing!

Shake yourselves from your Peep-filled slumbers, dearest readers -- it is time once again for you to sally forth into the great unknown in a tireless quest for boundless eminence. And by "great unknown," we mean our back catalog of news posts from the past two months. And by "boundless eminence," we mean ... well, we mean boundless eminence.

Veterans of last year's Great Egg Hunt likely already know the score. Hidden across five posts from the past sixty days are tiny Easter JPEggs. The first person to locate all five and leave a comment in this post containing all five of the headlines (or URLs) of the egg-infused posts wins a prize more precious than any tangible treasure known to mankind -- a Brush With Fame on the next Joystiq podcast, which, as you may know, has over a billion subscribers. We suggest starting your search with the five clues solutions we've posted after the jump.

While you're crawling through our overly verbose muck in search of painted, yolk-filled spheroids, perhaps you could also try and find out why the Xbox 360's sales shot up 61 percent in a single week. It could be due to the Japanese release of 11 Eyes: Cross Over, but we're thinking it might just be a good ol' fashioned Easter miracle.

- DSi: 53,680 3,721 (6.48%)
- PSP: 48,118 6,030 (11.14%)
- PS3: 20,362 2,463 (10.79%)
- Wii: 15,525 1,751 (10.14%)
- DS Lite: 8,729 321 (3.82%)
- Xbox 360: 7,812 2,963 (61.11%)
- PS2: 5,394 148 (2.82%)

[Source: Media Create]

See: The eggcellent archives

The Wii, once an unstoppable sales force in Japan, has started falling behind the PlayStation 3. The whole industry appears to be trending downward, but the Wii's drop is more than proportional.

A Nintendo representative told Financial Times that the company isn't distressed. "It is still the first few months of the year when sales are slow for the industry so we are not particularly concerned," the spokesperson said. "We hope to line up strong software to support hardware sales in the second half of the year." Nintendo has already lined up at least one strong title: Capcom's Monster Hunter 3, which will likely spark an increase in Wii hardware sales when it launches in Japan this summer.

Of course, the main reason for Nintendo not to fret over falling Wii sales is that the company continues to sit at the top of the sales charts with the DS platform.

[Via Edge]

Last week, whilst planning a party to celebrate the one-year anniversary since this feature was unceremoniously plundered from Joystiq's South African liaison, we received devastating news -- the Japanese gaming industry is shrinking faster than an osteoporotic grandparent. By our calculations, the whole industry has a few months before it's due to collapse in on itself like a bright, beautiful, bankrupt supernova. Just look at this week's chart -- red across the board. Except for the PS2, which we all know doesn't count.

With the fate of Japan's gaming industry in constant peril, we must learn to savor the precious little time we have left together. Sure, we could spend the next few months ceaselessly running through our respective cities proclaiming warnings of the pending Japanese ludopocalypse, but that doesn't sound very appealing, as we are out of shape. Instead, let's just calmly resign ourselves to our fate, so that this feature may meet its eventual end with dignity.

Aw, screw that noise. We're flying to Japan to buy a few hundred thousand gaming consoles. Who's coming with?

- DSi: 57,401 13,832 (19.42%)
- PSP: 54,148 11,617 (17.66%)
- PS3: 22,825 2,610 (10.26%)
- Wii: 17,276 819 (4.53%)
- DS Lite: 8,408 540 (6.03%)
- PS2: 5,246 179 (3.53%)
- Xbox 360: 4,849 592 (10.88%)

[Source: Media Create]

See: The osteoporotic archives

According to research conducted by Famitsu publisher Enterbrain, the Japanese gaming industry's year-to-year sales dropped in 2008. Total industry revenue reached ¥552.42 billion last year -- an 18 percent decrease from ¥676.95 billion in sales during 2007. Hardware sales dropped 27 percent from the previous year to ¥231.52 billion, while software sales only fell 11 percent, ending up at ¥320.91 billion.

Flamewar-fueling financial figures were also revealed in Enterbrain's study -- the DS reigned supreme in 2008, with 3,983,205 units sold. In addition, Pokémon Platinum was the year's highest grossing game, with 2,372,336 copies purchased. Second place went to the PSP with 3,230,563 units sold. Trailing behind, the Wii moved 2,257,575 consoles, the PS3 sold 999,903 units, and the Xbox 360 ended with a total of 398,633 consoles sold -- effectively doubling Microsoft's Japanese hardware sales figures from 2007.

What's with the slowdown, Japan? Did you guys collectively take up knitting or something? Don't get us wrong, knitting is awesome, but letting it interfere with your ludological purchasing habits is just plain irresponsible.

[Via Kotaku]

According to Enterbrain figures, the Xbox 360 and PS3 have both achieved milestones in Japan. As headlines would have you believe, the Xbox 360 has surpassed the one million mark for consoles sold, whereas the PS3 has done much more admirably, pushing over three million systems on the populace. The Xbox 360 achieved this after almost four years on the market (it released in Japan in December, 2005), wheras the PS3 claimed its figure nearly three years after launching in November, 2006.

Clearly, both consoles are big in Japan. Mostly because they're huge consoles.

[Via Kotaku]

We've seen a lot of sleepless nights in the past couple of weeks, folks. Our slumbers have frequently been interrupted with haunting visions of sales charts where some iteration of Nintendo's handheld doesn't take top honors. With this trend broken, we lose the ability to tap into our trusty well of "Japan buyz sooo many DSes LOLOL!" jokes -- or as we simply refer to it: Our Grade-A material.

Fortunately, the DSi saw a monumental revival this week, thanks largely to the release of the DS-exclusive chart-topper Super Robot Taisen K. No other title on the software sales chart included robots -- let alone super robots -- further contributing to the DSi's meteoric reascension. Balance has once again been restored to the world, and our sleeps can regain their long-missed dormancy. Oh, and Japan buyz sooo many DSes. LOLOL!

Ahh, it's good to be back.

- DSi: 71,233 43,669 (158.43%)
- PSP: 65,765 22,302 (51.31%)
- PS3: 25,435 2,579 (9.21%)
- Wii: 18,095 154 (0.86%)
- DS Lite: 8,948 2,623 (22.67%)
- Xbox 360: 5,441 2,937 (35.06%)
- PS2: 5,067 223 (4.60%)

[Source: Media Create]

See: The dormant archives

Satoru Iwata's GDC keynote has revealed a somewhat unsurprising fact about the Wii. Iwata explained that global shipments for the Wii have reached "more than 50 million," propelling it to be "the fastest selling video game hardware in history." Let's look at some recent numbers, shall we?

As many of you NPD followers know, the Wii sold a whopping 753,000 units in February, and 679,000 in January, making for a total of 1,432,000 consoles sold in North America so far this year. In Japan, the console has sold 354,367 units so far in 2009 (counting the last few days of December), and Nintendo revealed 45 million Wiis had been shipped worldwide back in January. Add AMD's 50 millionth GPU, and you can see where this is going. We fully expect Nintendo's next move will be to purchase Japan and rename it Kirbyland.