Following the generous upgrades given to Team Fortress 2 Medics earlier this year, it now appears that the Pyro class is next to be doused in flame-retardant achievements and fiery, unlockable weapons. Citing the latest issue of PC Gamer, CVG also reports that Valve plans similar additions for the game's remaining classes, though the timing of these future updates has not yet been revealed.

Likewise a mystery is what Pyro players can expect from the new achievement-fueled equipment roll out, though we expect it to mirror what was given to Medics, only with less healing and more toasting anything that moves.

[Via Big Download]

We absolutely loved the short vignettes put together by Valve to advertise the different classes featured in The Orange Box's online multiplayer offering, Team Fortress 2. The scotch-slurping demoman, the six-string pluckin' engineer -- not only did they get us hyped up for one of our favorite first person shooters of last year, they brightened our otherwise dreary existences. Now, we know that most of you are familiar with the whole crew since the release of Orange Box, but in honor of last week's release of a standalone version of TF2 for the PC, Valve released what we assume will be the last of their advertisements for the game -- introducing the Scout, who apparently has the social graces and equipoise of a Real World cast member. Enjoy!

Perhaps you've been burnt by digital distribution in the past, and now refuse to even touch the likes of Steam. Perhaps you found one or more of the games in Valve's critically acclaimed Orange Box to be lacking in a peel. Perhaps you'd like us to stop with the excruciating puns you jerks and report the news already geez.

So, have at it: Valve has confirmed to Joystiq that the individually boxed Orange Box PC games are due to hit physical shelves on April 9th. The separate SKUs, which will be available worldwide, consist of first-person puzzler Portal, caricatured multiplayer romp Team Fortress 2, and a crowbar double-whammy in the form of Half-Life 2: Episode One and Two. Valve has yet to officially announce pricing details, but retailers currently list Portal at $19.99 and the other two packages at $29.99 each. Expect more details soon.

We've been hearing a lot less about Valve's cel-shaded, humor-tinged multiplayer shooter since the release of another wildly popular FPS of a more serious nature. Thankfully, Valve isn't using their lighter server load as an excuse to let Team Fortress 2 go to the dogs -- they just released a patch upon an unsuspecting populous of TF2 junkies, adding a number of new matchmaking features and tweaking a few minor gameplay quirks.

We've got a complete list of changes after the jump, but here's a few highlights: A Tournament mode has been added, complete with a team creation UI and win/loss tracker. Sorting through custom games is now easier, as server hosts can now add searchable description tags to their rooms. Most importantly, players who tire of being on the receiving end of high explosive weaponry will be pleased to hear that the maximum ammo capacities for the Soldier and Demoman classes have been sharply reduced (much to the chagrin of rocket-jumpers and Scotsmen, no doubt).

If you believe that Zero Punctuation's only reason for playing SimCity Societies was to make a totalitarian government in the vein of the Nazi regime -- well, you'd be right. This week Yahtzee takes on the fantastically average game and ends up complaining about it more than making fun of it. In the end he says that SimCity Societies isn't worth the player's time, but then anybody who actually bought SimCity Societies probably already knows that.

After the break you'll find this week's NSFW review of SimCity Societies, with special Team Fortress 2 homage to the love which dare not speak its name.

We find the Team Fortress 2 Pyro papercraft hilariously ironic, given how flammable we suspect him to be. (Disclaimer: Joystiq advises against the use of flames. There is no respawn in real life.) Check out the highlights for today:

Joystiquery

News
King of Kong underdog to cameo in upcoming film
New games this week: Devil May Cry 4 edition
Gears of War 2 graces GamePro cover
American McGee announces next 'twisted tale' project after Grimm
Operation Wolf, Columns III land on Virtual Console
Xbox 360 'arcade model' hits Japan March 6
Just blow: Smash Bros Brawl disc problems blamed on dust
Halo 3 DLC for spring swaps 'Purple' for 'Moonlight'
Rock Band Weekly: B-52's, Faith No More and KISS
PS3 budget lineup heading to Japan, 'likely' Europe
This Wednesday: Poker Smash batters XBLA, Crystal Quest gets polished
New Buzz! games coming in March
NBA Ballers: Chosen One gets Chuck D, Just Blaze
Sony cuts PSP dev tools cost in half
The Green Mile actor Barry Pepper to voice Prototype lead
PSP's Daxter sells 2 million copies in 2 years
THQ gets new CFO (also: acronym two-for-one sale ongoing)
SingStar '90s makes us feel old
No More Heroes first planned for 360, says Suda51
Folding@home for PS3 goes platinum
THQ gets new CFO (also: acronym two-for-one sale ongoing)
New Call of Duty 4 maps 'on the way'
Criterion explains Burnout Paradise online hard drive requirement
GameTap turning off Myst Online in 60 days

Rumors & Speculation
Rumor: Resident Evil 4 to blame for no Capcom in Brawl
Will Portal change the game industry?
EA predicts PS3 will outsell Xbox 360 in 2008

Culture & Community
Devil May Cry, a retrospective and review
Ben Heckendorn's Xbox 360 Elite laptop

Though we'd be GlaDOS can be to have another slice of Portal's topsy-turvy displacement gameplay, we'd almost certainly be unsatisfied with a quick 'n dirty content boost to our 2007 game of the year. Thankfully, Valve's Doug Lombardi has told Eurogamer that the developer isn't looking to simply throw a handful of new puzzles at us. "There'll be more Portal, for sure," he said. "But the details of that, to be honest, we're still working out."

Also being worked out at Valve headquarters are the continuing adventures of crowbar-wielding physicist, Gordon Freeman, who's due to appear in Half-Life 2: Episode Three. "With Episode Three we want to live up to the promise of where we are taking things to; there's a lot of work being done to make sure we deliver on that promise." If you're dying to learn more about where said things are being taken to, you're going to have wait a bit, "probably months not weeks." And don't even get us started on how long you might have to wait for the actual game.

At least you'll have some upcoming Team Fortress 2 content to keep you busy which, as per Valve's desire for all its additional content, will be free.

We love those image manipulating wizards at Something Awful. Their latest project is new (and much needed) achievements in Team Fortress 2. Enjoy the four pages of photoshoppery and check out the highlights for today:

Joystiquery
Reminder: Win King of Kong on DVD
Super Spoiler Bros. Brawl: Major leaked roster update, videos & more
Today's most satirical video: Loading.Ready.Run tackles 'Max Effect'

News
Japanese Brawl intro hints at unannounced characters, looks sweet
EA Marvel fighting game no longer in development, partnership dissolved
No plans for 120GB PS3 in UK, says Sony
THQ gets Playboy bunnies going mobile
Gran Turismo 5 Prologue arrives stateside April 17
Undertow team creating Orson Scott Card's Ender's Game's game
Civilization Revolution on hold for Wii
Majesco releases early version of Eco-Creatures as DS download
Turok demo finally comes to North American Xbox Live
Console CryEngine 2 will be shown at GDC; console Crysis still not confirmed
Nintendo hopeful third-party Wii games will sell
Want to see three minutes of Tiberium gameplay?
Animal Crossing and Kirby coming to Japanese Wii in '08
Sony gets Buzz-y dealing with trademark dispute
IGA details Burnout in-game advertisers
Sarah Michelle Gellar really wants to make Alice movie
Codemasters looks to outer space for next MMO with Jumpgate Evolution
MMO film Second Skin gets trailer
New Nyko adapter to unwire Wii wired Nunchuk
Smash Bros. Brawl shortages imminent
Take-Two details 'Hot Coffee' settlement; no receipt necessary
Valve shares SteamWorks toolset with PC development world
New GRAW 2 DLC offers new maps, missions, weapons

Rumors & Speculation
Analyst: Spore 'likely' delayed until later in '08; EA guidance incorrect

Culture & Community
GameStrata statistic site launches, get PWN3D via graphs
Crook hides cash in gutted consoles

Valve Software has updated Team Fortress 2, introducing a new (sort of) official map for the game, a capture the flag variant of Well (currently available as a control point game mode). The update also provides fixes for SourceTV demo recording and various Gravel Pit exploits, among other patchwork.

The updated is currently for PC users only via Steam; we've sent Valve an email asking when it expects the Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3 versions of TF2 to receive the update. We're still awaiting the upcoming Badlands map remake and the unlockable weapons coming first to the medic class.

[Via Primotech]

The PC Gamer blog has shed some light on the changes Valve has planned for Team Fortress 2. The "large scale modification" is actually quite big -- new weapons unlocked via achievements earned in the game. The arsenal can be swapped out via a new Loadout menu, though we're not sure if that means configuration can be done mid-game, between rounds, or only from the main menu.

As previously stated, the medic will be first to receive the upgrades. The first earned weapons is the Overhealer. Unlocked by earning 35 achievements, the "gun" can permanently raise an ally's health to 200% (the current medic tool temporarily boosts health to 150%). Citing balance concerns, Valve said they may remove the invulnerability-granting Ubercharge from the Overhealer. The second unlockable weapon is also a healing ray (what? No shotgun?), but no details were given except that you have to earn all medic class achievements to unlock it.

A new game mode will be introduced with the map Goldrush, the second map due out (alongside the Badlands remake). In Goldrush, the blue team must escort a mining cart through tunnels. The cart moves faster with more blue team members nearby, but stops completely if a red player gets near. According to previous statements from Valve, the maps and medic updates are due out within the next two months.

[Image credit; thanks, Fortyseven]

Though all the pretty colors and No One Lives Forever-esque art direction is enough to keep commoners like us entertained by Team Fortress 2, it's what's going on under the hood that's really important to the hardcore legion of fans. In an email to one member of that community, Valve's Robin Walker reveals a few changes incoming for the pyro and soldiers classes, part of the "large scale modification to the core of the game" Walker talked about earlier this month.

For the pyros, they're going to be receiving points for every enemy they ignite, making mass burnings not just fun, but profitable. Walker's a little more vague about soldiers, saying the team wants them to be "a little more
careful firing their rockets at point blank targets." As TF2 newbs we have no idea what she means, but we imagine some of you commenters will have a few ideas.

[Via CVG]

As much as it pains us to be on the receiving end of online gaming skullduggery, we can't help but admire Team Roomba for elevating the practice to an art form. This ain't your Pap Pap's griefing; team-killing and name calling are far below the maleficent minds of Team Roomba. In their latest highlight reel from Team Fortress 2, they transform the doldrum process of respawning into a quiz show, where right answers put you back on the battlefield -- accidentally creating the most amazing supergenre we've ever witnessed: the Online Multiplayer First Person Shooter and Trivia Game (OMFPSaTG, for short).

The video is safely contained after the jump, and is extremely NSFW due to foul language, blurry gay porn, and a number of Legends of the Hidden Temple references.

(Thanks, Perko.)

December is looking to be a most excellent month for PlayStation 3 owners keen on shooting things from a first-person perspective, with both Unreal Tournament III (shipping December 10th) and The Orange Box stepping onto the platform, albeit a bit later than expected. An EA press release politely reminds us that the latter will be released on December 11th in both the US and Europe, with French and German versions following in 2008.

In the unlikely case that you've not been exposed to Valve's Orange Box and currently envision it as a crate full of citrus fruit, allow us to point out that it contains Half-Life 2, Half-Life 2: Episode One, Half-Life 2: Episode Two, Team Fortress 2 and Portal... too. One can only hope the tech people at EA used their 11th hour to rid the port of its alleged framerate issues.

You'll forgive us for missing this tidbit of news this weekend, as we (along with some of you, no doubt) were much too enthralled by the other, other, other, other Game of the Year, this one nestled in Valve's sumptuous Orange Box. If you wanted to add Team Fortress 2 to your list of yearly praise but felt that lag ruined the experience, perhaps the title update for the Xbox 360 version will do away with your doubts. The following technical alterations to the charming multiplayer romp should take effect the next time you load up the game whilst signed in to Xbox Live:

• Reduced network bandwidth usage in multiplayer.
• Improved overall game performance.
• Arranged search results to favor preferred host conditions.
• Improved searching for ranked games.
• Addressed a possible false report of too little storage space on larger hard drives (not this again!)

[Via press release

To start with, there's "the horrendous box art, which I'm pretty certain was designed by a select group of mildy-talented fifth graders." (8)

For Half-Life 2 and its episodic add-ons, "the visuals are not as good as they should be." (8) "The graphics don't compare with say BioShock, Gears of War or Halo 3," (6) and the game "suffer[s] from occasional framerate stutters and issues." (1) "There's also some noticeable pop-up." (6) "You'll ... see some chugs at certain points, such as during large chain explosions with equally large numbers of characters onscreen." (1)

"There are mid-level loads that halt the action... often [for] 30 seconds to a full minute. This is especially aggravating when a load comes during a high-speed chase." (8) "Whenever you approach a new area, the game pauses and loads. This feels distinctly last-gen, especially compared with FPS of the moment Halo 3, which seamlessly loads new areas without pause." (6)

As for the game itself, "some sections feel over-long, others just a lonely set of corridors." (3) Your AI teammates "can often get in your way when trying to move about small places [and] the AI often ignores [your] orders or will simply refuse to stay put and let you get through a corridor." (8) "Episode 2 is still linear. ... It's not exactly innovative - there's only one new enemy type and the lone new weapon isn't seen until the finale." (4) "The sense of familiarity can dull the game's appeal to [an] extent." (3)