Don't forget -- the Spike TV Video Game Awards airs tonight at 9 p.m. EST. If you're a faithful Joystiq reader, you already know which games won awards -- but don't let that take the wind out of your sails! You still haven't seen the exclusive performance by the Fighters of Foo, the comedy stylings of Patton Oswalt, or the trollopery of MySpace vixen Tila Tequila.

Okay, we know that two hours of mainstream culture mixed with ceaseless product placements and a gaggle of celebrities who have no idea what they're talking about isn't everyone's idea of the perfect Sunday night. If that's the case, tune in to Spike TV tonight at 9 p.m. EST for the two hours hate.

For the third year in a row Samuel L. Jackson will host the Spike TV Video Game Awards, now in its fifth year. While we'd like to say Jackson can bring "the awesome" to most anything, it's all too evident when non-gamers pick up that gamepad (note to Spike: keep the pad out of his hands).

The event goes down Dec. 7 at Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas and, after some fancy editing, the actual broadcast is Dec. 9 at 9PM. Games like Borderlands and Gran Turismo 5 Prologue will be premiered during the show and totally radical (not to mention relevant) celebs like magician Criss Angel and Dave Navarro will attend. Check out the full list of categories and nominees.

We survived the yellow carpet (yellow? really?) and we're inside the show bringing you some hot, sexy liveblogging action. Awards drop on Spike TV next Wednesday, but get the goods here early. These prestigious awards are presided over by a huge team of monkeys, three junior kids, and the Duke Nukem Forever development team. We'll be bringing you the hard-hitting questions from the red carpet in a video over the weekend. For now just sit back and read the show, nullifying your need for TiVo.

9:19: It's showtime, Sam Jackson comes out onstage and kicks some ass, killing Guitar Heroes left and right. No love for the music? Holy cow, he just dropped a big ol' f-bomb. He gets intro'ed onstage by Stewie, and we're off.

9:21: Sam has his hands on PlayStation 4 -- it's high def, wireless, and his has a vagina. RequisiteWii-mote joke here: "Wii-off! Instead of game elbow, we got beat-off elbow." Nice.

9:22: Sam riffs on Rockstar and wants to know where his hot coffee is. Heyooooo. "They got a game with two guys kissin? Damn, Rockstar takes controversy and gives it to you right up the ass!"

9:24: Jokes about gamers having sex with hot girls. It goes over like a lead ballon. Speaking of balloons, check out the massive amount of L.A. chestage going on.

9:25: 50 Cent intros the "Best Human Female in a Video Game in a sort of slurred "here's my drink" English. We'll have what he's having. It's unsure if he even knows what he's talking about.

9:26: Vida Guerra takes it all home for her role in Scarface, and the jokes about introducing her to your little friend commence.

9:35: Stewie whizzes all over Snakes on Plane, FTW. Sam Jackson ain't above hittin' a baby.

9:36: Rachael Leigh Cook and Seth Green present the award for the Best Game Based on a TV Show of a Movie. But our audio is being trumped by Vida Guerra in the next room talking about winning. FOR THE LOVE OF PETE, GIVE US SOME JACKSON AND SHUSH UP OVER THERE! Someone won, but hey, these game developers all look a lot alike. We'll find out who and plug it in here later. We're sure you can't wait.

9:40: Daniel Dae Kim ain't Lost, he's here introducing the World Premiere of some Bioshock action. This looks pretty darned familiar, Kim. Get back to your island.

9:42: Mocap skit with balls. A chubby dude in a blue suit covered in giant balls plays "the bitch" in Saint's Row. Nice.