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Zero Punctuation apparently missed the actual E3

by Alexander Sliwinski { Jul 30th 2008 at 6:15PM }

This week's Zero Punctuation makes us wonder: What E3 is Yahtzee talking about? Perhaps things seemed different from the outside, but this year's show actually saw a slew of original titles -- shockingly enough, many from the maw of EA. Sure, there is some serious sequelitus going on (and certain outlets really need to stop riding RE4 v2 RE5's rooster), but we were pleasantly surprised by some of the new IPs. Oh well, no sense in trying to convey some semblance of reason here. Carry on with the amusing hate.

Check out Yahtzee's NSFW take on E3 after the break.

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Zero Punctuation visits Conan in Hyboria

by Alexander Sliwinski { Jul 23rd 2008 at 9:00PM }

No matter how much the hardcore MMORPG crowd may want to deny it, almost every game in the genre wants to be, or wishes it could have been, World or Warcraft. This week's Zero Punctuation says as much, with Yahtzee trying to enjoy his Hyborian adventure but wandering into familiar -- but not quite right -- WoW territory.

Check out the NSFW review of Age of Conan after the break.

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Zero Punctuation whips it good with Lego Indy

by Alexander Sliwinski { Jul 9th 2008 at 6:00PM }

Zero Punctuation's Yahtzee takes on both the Lego Indiana Jones game and the latest movie in his latest review. For his take on the game, the ornery critic comes up with an equation for figuring out how much you'll enjoy playing as Indy in the blockified platformer.

If doing mathematicals isn't your thing, just think about how much fun you'll have killing Short Round -- or Willie -- over and over again. Although it still doesn't beat the cathartic Jar-Jar killing of the Lego Star Wars game.

This week's NSFW ZP review of Lego Indy can be found after the break.

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Zero Punctuation draws out the webcomic template

by Alexander Sliwinski { Jul 3rd 2008 at 2:00AM }

This week's Zero Punctuation takes a long, hard and ironic look at the glut of gaming webcomics. Yes, Yahtzee fully realizes the hypocrisy of his words, but that's not going to stop him from flinging poo and keeping those traffic numbers high. We imagine it getting weird when Yahtzee's piece about webcomics spawns more comics about the subject and proves everything he's saying in the first place.

The NSFW ZP review of webcomics can be found after the break.

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NINJA GAIDEN 2 presents: Zero Punctuation's MGS4 review

by Alexander Sliwinski { Jun 25th 2008 at 4:45PM }

By the time the Zero Punctuation video review of Metal Gear Solid 4 ended, we still had another two and a half minutes of commercials to watch. Given our dire attention spans, we'd completely forgotten what had happened! But those ads sure are spiffy ... Wasn't it cool how Ryu Hyuwhatshisname from Ninja Gaiden II chopped those guys in half? Ninja Gaiden II is awesome! We should all go out and buy Ninja Gaiden II, right now!

... If you want to watch this week's review of ... what was it again? Oh, MGS4. Check it out after the break. Hey, did you see that ad for de-rez?

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Zero Punctuation makes war, not love with Haze

by Alexander Sliwinski { Jun 21st 2008 at 2:00AM }

OK, we have a situation. Yahtzee's latest Zero Punctuation piece couldn't knock one out of the park with such a simple target like Haze. Even standard reviews did a good job roasting it. The curmudgeon expat still trashes the game, but it's like he received a Nectar injection and was fighting the effects as he put together the review ... seriously, we're talking about the game that can already be found for $40. We're hoping this week's review is merely a hiccup and that Haze will finally sink in on Yahtzee, making him go ballistic next week.

Due to technical difficulties we are unable to post ZP after the break. Please click the image above to see this week's episode.

Zero Punctuation not lovin' Oblivion

by Alexander Sliwinski { Jun 4th 2008 at 7:00PM }

To refill his rage this week, Zero Punctuation's Yahtzee took a trip back to the simpler time of 2006 and grabbed a copy of The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion off the new release shelf. Being a Western RPG, instead of a JRPG, the game actually stood a small chance of stealing Yahtzee's artificial heart. Of course, the problems with the voice acting and immersion that plagued the game when it first released haven't aged well. Yahtzee obviously takes the opportunity to jam a lead pipe into Oblivion and hoover out every last bit of hate he can.

Find this week's NSFW ZP review of the game where Patrick Stewart plays the emperor for about 10 minutes after the break.

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Zero Punctuation unhappily discovers The World Ends With You

by Alexander Sliwinski { May 28th 2008 at 7:30PM }

Zero Punctuation discovers The World Ends With You this week. This sudden realization has caused him to send his vast internet army to your house and kill you. Really! Run!

Actually, The World Ends With You is a JRPG that's been getting some strongly supportive reviews from several outlets that do that reviewing sort of thing. As any disciple of Yahtzee knows at this point, he hates JRPGs and Nintendo -- the jury is still out though on which one he hates more. TWEWY gets off easy in this review by confusing Yahtzee to the point where he can't form an opinion and leaves it up to the audience.

Find this week's NSFW ZP review of another Japanese game with kids who have gravity defying hair after the break.

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Zero Punctuation pops old Painkiller for fun

by Alexander Sliwinski { May 22nd 2008 at 1:00AM }

Zero Punctuation's Yahtzee rocks it old school this week in a trip down "kill everything you see" lane with a review of Painkiller. Way back in 2004, which if internet time is converted to normal time is circa 1674, Painkiller received better-than-average reviews by embracing the first-person shooter genre like it was the '90s and Doom was still en vogue. So, this week Yahtzee talks about the game "where you kill tons of dudes" and gets comfortable for the relatively dry summer release schedule ... well, winter for him.

Find this week's NSFW ZP review of a game featuring a gun that shoots shuriken and lightning after the break.

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Zero Punctuation enjoys Grand Theft Auto-rotica

by Alexander Sliwinski { May 14th 2008 at 4:45PM }

Zero Punctuation takes on Grand Theft Auto IV this week, but if you're one of the five people who didn't buy the game and are hoping for some ZP hate-fest on par with the Super Smash Bros. Brawl review ... then you have another thing coming. Yahtzee doesn't exactly suck GTA IV's "thumb" -- like he does Valve's -- but the issues he grasps onto are relatively minor points about getting lost in the side stuff. Not really full of his trademark, hyperbolic bile then. Shockingly, he even says that after finishing the review, he went back and played the game some more. It appears Niko Bellic has found a friend in Yahtzee.

Find this week's NSFW relative non-hate review of GTA IV after the break.

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Zero Punctuation reviews fanboys

by Alexander Sliwinski { May 7th 2008 at 10:00PM }

Apparently Yahtzee found the fanboy uproar over his Super Smash Bros. Brawl review so irritating that this week's Zero Punctuation is dedicated to reviewing the unpaid console defenders out there. Yahtzee finds his rage again this week and lashes out in a way that many professionals who make their living off the internet wish they could. Not us, of course, we're too heavily medicated and just allow the sea of hate to wash over us in waves of brilliant pinks and purples. Numbness is the first step to professional happiness on the internetz.

Find Yahtzee's NSFW love-letter to fanboys after the break.

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Zero Punctuation takes on the God of War

by Alexander Sliwinski { Apr 30th 2008 at 4:00PM }

Zero Punctuation's Yahtzee isn't content with taking on just God of War: Chains of Olympus this week. No, he takes on the whole bloody franchise. What we end up getting is almost four minutes of Yahtzee admitting that he's nitpicking and that the series helps give us relief from our 9 8:30 to 5 6 (with a half-hour lunch break) lives. The trademark Yahtzee anger just isn't there in this review, but considering it was overflowing in last week's Smash Bros. piece, an easing of tension might be good for a week.

This week's NSFW review eviscerating God of War: Chains of Olympus can be found after the break.

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Zero Punctuation beats up Smash Bros. Brawl ... you're surprised?

by Alexander Sliwinski { Apr 23rd 2008 at 8:30PM }

This is the Zero Punctuation that'll make the Nintendo Defense Force mobilize and threaten nuclear annihilation. This week Yahtzee takes on one of the Wii's golden cows with his ~~review~~ wholesale bludgeoning of Super Smash Bros. Brawl. For those just joining the ZP party, Yahtzee doesn't like Nintendo very much. If you love SSBB, great. If you don't like it, that's great too. Just sit back and enjoy the review for the spectacle in hatred it is.

Fanboys, prepare for masochism after the break with this week's NSFW review of Super Smash Bros. Brawl.

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Zero Punctuation loves Condemned 2 ... until halfway through

by Alexander Sliwinski { Apr 16th 2008 at 7:30PM }

Zero Punctuation's Yahtzee beats up sleep-deprived hobos this week for his Condemned 2: Bloodshot review and, up until the midway point, was all set to name it "game of the year." Apparently, Condemned 2 suffers from the same disease which afflicted Indigo Prophecy (Fahrenheit to our European friends), where the game took a left turn halfway through and players were introduced to concepts that ruined everything built up to that point. Those who played Indigo Prophecy (and were enjoying themselves) probably remember the moment that game went from intriguing to ridiculous.

Get your homeless-beating fix after the break with this week's NSFW review of Condemned 2: Bloodshot.

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Zero Punctuation believes in No More Heroes

by Alexander Sliwinski { Apr 9th 2008 at 11:00PM }

Zero Punctuation discovers that we could use another hero (and a way home) in this week's review of Suda 51's No More Heroes. Rightful finger-pointing at Suda 51's pretentiousness starts the review, but it soon gets slashed away by Yahtzee's belief that No More Heroes does offer something "different." As we all know, "different" is this industry's version of the Monopoly "Get Out of Jail Free" card. It won't save a game from nasty reviews, but the cuts are certainly less deep.

Thunderdome your way to this week's NSFW review of No More Heroes after the break.

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