Joystiq

Braid II totally rips time a new one

David Hinkle — Thu, 07 May 2009 11:00:00 EST

Sorry, your high-res photo is in another castle

Oh, April Fools, how funny you can sometimes be. This year's April issue of Game Informer had one of the more comical tricks in Braid II, the magazine's featured cover story. It would appear that Tim has spent his time between the first game and its sequel in the gym, totally getting ripped. With his delts and pecs in order, he can now finally set out to do what he always wanted to do: make time his bitch.

Braid II totally rips time a new one originally appeared on Joystiq on Thu, 07 May 2009 11:00:00 EST. Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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The best of WoW Insider: March 31 - April 7, 2009

Mike Schramm — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 02:30:00 EST

Filed under: Online, Meta (about Joystiq), MMO

That big baddie above is rumored to be the second boss in the Vault of Archavon, an instance in Northrend that can only be reached when either the Horde or the Alliance conquer the contested territory of Wintergrasp. He looks dangerous, no? But worry not -- whether you're fighting for the Orcs or the Humans, Joystiq's WoW Insider has tips, tricks, and everything you need to conquer the Vault of Archavon or anywhere else in the World of Warcraft. Read on for some of our most popular posts.

News

WoW Insider's Guide to Patch 3.1
We're closer than ever to the next big content patch -- which means we know more than ever about what's in it.
April Fools 2009 roundup
A bevy of Warcraft-related jokes from the 4/1 holiday last week.
WoW subscriber numbers still increasing, multiboxers trivial
The devs confirm that the number of people in Azeroth is still going up.
Noblegarden tentatively rescheduled for April 26th
Blizzard goes a little late on a patch, so it actually reschedules the in-game Easter holiday.
Battle.net login servers down again tonight
Blizzard just recently transferred lots of player accounts onto the new Battle.net servers, but apparently they weren't quite up to the job.

Features

Opinion: 25-man gear should not be better than 10-man gear
The 10-man raids are actually harder than the 25-mans. So why is the gear worse?
WoW Rookie: Gaming terminology 101
Don't know your "LFG" from your "PST"? Let WoW Rookie help.
The Art of War(craft): Wintergrasp in patch 3.1 and beyond
All the news that's fit to print on the changes to the game's most popular battleground.
Guildwatch: A kinder, gentler GW
For April Fool's Day, our guild drama column decides to focus on the positive instead.
Lichborne: Tradeskills for Death Knights
Profession help for former members of Arthas' army.

The best of WoW Insider: March 31 - April 7, 2009 originally appeared on Joystiq on Wed, 08 Apr 2009 02:30:00 EST. Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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April Fools: StarCraft II's Terran base is more than meets the eye

Randy Nelson — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 21:45:00 EST

It's the biggest StarCraft II announcement since the game itself -- and would make Michael Bay proud. Blizzard today unveiled the largest unit to date in its RTS franchise: the Terran Terra-Tron. This hulking bipedal war machine is actually built from the combined pieces of an entire Terran base. The base "transforms," if you will.

As if its sheer mass and weapons load-out weren't enough to intimidate Zerg and Protoss adversaries, the thing speaks. Phrases such as, "Hell, it's transformin' time" and "Terra-Tron, terrorize!" should turn any rush into a retreat. Blizzard has videos of the Terra-Tron doing big things on the game's official site -- but hurry, it might be gone come April 2.

[Via BigDownload]

April Fools: StarCraft II's Terran base is more than meets the eye originally appeared on Joystiq on Wed, 01 Apr 2009 21:45:00 EST. Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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April Fools: Chains of Olympus contains hidden 'Cube of War' mode

Randy Nelson — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 20:05:00 EST

Hot off its "Best Handheld Game" win at the 2009 Game Developer Choice Awards, Ready at Dawn has divulged the existence of a previously undiscovered mode within God of War: Chains of Olympus. Called "Cube of War," it allows players to take on the game's menagerie of murderous malcontents as ... an Aperture Science Weighted Companion Cube.

RAD isn't saying how the deal to get the Cube in the game -- and out of Portal -- was struck, but it does have instructions on unlocking this tasty (like cake) triumph: "if you finish Chains of Olympus in god mode, no upgrades, and collect all the urns of power twice without dying you open up the companion cube as a hidden character." If you can muster that, we'd consider it a huge success. If you can't, at least watch what you're missing after the break.

Continue reading April Fools: Chains of Olympus contains hidden 'Cube of War' mode

April Fools: Chains of Olympus contains hidden 'Cube of War' mode originally appeared on Joystiq on Wed, 01 Apr 2009 20:05:00 EST. Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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April Fools: Helghast find love in Lovezone

Andrew Yoon — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 19:15:00 EST

Killzone isn't just about death and destruction. No, the Helghan world is just like our own, with stories of peril, triumph ... and love. Black20, in collaboration with IGN, have created a trailer for a fictional romance set in the Killzone universe. "Lovezone" tells the touching story of how two Helghast can meet on the battlefield, and the struggles they must overcome to realize their love.

Check it out after the break.

[Thanks, Jay!]

Continue reading April Fools: Helghast find love in Lovezone

April Fools: Helghast find love in Lovezone originally appeared on Joystiq on Wed, 01 Apr 2009 19:15:00 EST. Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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April Fools: id reveals World of Quake Live

David Hinkle — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 19:05:00 EST

Imagine our surprise today when we tried to log into Quake Live for our usual 10 a.m. session of noob-fraggin' therapy, only to discover the image above. id has decided to do away with rocket jumping and replace it with epic mount riding, as it has revealed World of Quake Live. Much like the game of a similar name, this title promises epic mounts with up to four weapon slots (you can stack them with four BFGs!), as well as a new leveling system. Oh, and Aspir from Ludicrous Speed calls this the "best game evar." You should listen. Dude totally knows what he's talking about.

April Fools: id reveals World of Quake Live originally appeared on Joystiq on Wed, 01 Apr 2009 19:05:00 EST. Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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April Fools: Awesome handheld Witcher teased

Ben Gilbert — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 18:35:00 EST

CD Projekt RED, developer of The Witcher, and self-proclaimed "world's leading developer of games with 'The Witcher' in their title," announced the next title in its portfolio today. Currently in development for "all current-gen, next-gen and gen-after-next-gen handheld systems," The Witcher: Mysterious Secrets looks to marry the world of The Witcher with 8-bit processing power, 32-colors (though "half of the colours are not visible because the platform supports only 16 colours") and in a first for the Witcher franchise, downloadable content. Though little is known about the DLC as of yet, the company has already taken a firm stance on it, saying, "Yeah, DLC on a handheld. You wanna fight about it?"

The game certainly sounds ... ambitious ... but the development team seems vigilant when they say in the developer diary (after the break), "We all realize that handhelds are far more powerful than PCs and consoles all put together, but thanks to this move, we'll be able to break through all the barriers we've encountered so far." We'll keep you updated as we near the game's release window, currently slated for "between Tuesday and Friday 2010."

Continue reading April Fools: Awesome handheld Witcher teased

April Fools: Awesome handheld Witcher teased originally appeared on Joystiq on Wed, 01 Apr 2009 18:35:00 EST. Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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April Fools: Bungie introduces BUNGLE, blows up your mind

Xav de Matos — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 17:35:00 EST

Bungie takes the tournament scene seriously. How seriously? Enough to develop its own gaming league focusing on the niche shooter, Halo 3. How niche is it? It only sold a few million copies and there are a lot of people in the world. How many people? Stop asking so many questions. Google it, we don't know.

Bungie's new venture, the Bungie Ultimate Ninja Gaming League Extreme is poised to set the world on fire. Those brave enough to walk out of their mother's basement and into the fog of war are free to sign up now. A word of warning, though: You may want to practice your skill on any of the BUNGLE-approved maps -- designed by Bungie, creator of BUNGLE (and developer of Halo 3).

So, finish off your lunch burrito, wipe the shm?tz from your face and get ready to re-begin the fight you previously thought had been finished. BUNGLE is here and it's gonna tear you a new one.

April Fools: Bungie introduces BUNGLE, blows up your mind originally appeared on Joystiq on Wed, 01 Apr 2009 17:35:00 EST. Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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April Fools: Behold! Diablo III's Archivist

James Ransom-Wiley — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 17:05:00 EST

Forget the pen being mightier than the sword. A single "shush" uttered from the lips of the Archivist packs enough punch to burst the guts of Sanctuary's most disorderly beasts. The fourth of five Diablo III character classes was revealed today, in historic fashion. So saith the annals of Abd al-Hazir: "These brave souls wade into battle wielding tome and quill, armored not in ensorcelled plate or links of chain, but in the knowledge of generations past. These archivists fight not only for our future, but for our past as well."

The Archivist schools evil with such learned powers as the Lorenado and Quest Bolt, complimented by witty dialogue tree choices like "I've dropped knowledge" and "Test me and I will chronicle your pain." Man, somebody please point us to the library where this guy got his game!

[Thanks, Luis]

April Fools: Behold! Diablo III's Archivist originally appeared on Joystiq on Wed, 01 Apr 2009 17:05:00 EST. Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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(Not?) April Fools: Red Faction Guerrilla gains 'Ostrich Hammer'

Christopher Grant — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 16:50:00 EST

Game developers aren't robots. If you cut them, they'll bleed. And so it went when the Sweeney Todds over at NeoGAF started teasing some early stills of Red Faction: Guerrilla. They cut and series developer Volition bled ... creativity! It all makes more sense after watching the video above. If you've ever shared our sentiment that today's multiplayer action games are heavy on metal (and/or energy-based) projectiles and short on bird-based bludgeoning, the Ostrich Hammer has been lovingly crafted with you in mind. Bon appétit!

Update: When asked if the weapon would be unlockable in the final game, Volition's community manager told us, "We're just waiting to see what the community reaction is and we'll proceed from there." Well, what are you waiting for, community? React!

Gallery: Red Faction: Guerilla (The Ostrich Hammer)

(Not?) April Fools: Red Faction Guerrilla gains 'Ostrich Hammer' originally appeared on Joystiq on Wed, 01 Apr 2009 16:50:00 EST. Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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April Fools: Wii Fit Balance Board gag

Richard Mitchell — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 16:35:00 EST

As if convincing more people to buy Wii Fit than Halo 3 wasn't a big enough gag already, it looks like Nintendo's Balance Board has yet another yuk up its sleeve. If it had sleeves, anyway. Those who fire up Wii Fit today will be greeted with the April Fools' Day joke featured in the video above.

"Joke" might be too strong a word, actually. It's not really ha-ha funny so much as it's "Mom-would-like-this" funny. Of course, given Wii Fit's demographic, that might be the point ...

April Fools: Wii Fit Balance Board gag originally appeared on Joystiq on Wed, 01 Apr 2009 16:35:00 EST. Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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April Fools: Alpine Legend makes us yodel with joy

Griffin McElroy — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 16:20:00 EST

Though many different rhythm titles featuring nearly every imaginable genre of music have been released, we've yet to get our hands on anything that caters to our ... peculiar melodic desires. Thankfully, developer Snowy Top Productions will finally fulfill our falsetto fancy with their upcoming 360-exclusive yodel simulator, Alpine Legend. We've got the debut trailer posted after the break, but to learn about the game's intriguing mountain goat expansion, you'll need to go to the official site.

We actually got our hands on this bad boy at GDC, but haven't been able to discuss it due to an embargo. We understand your skepticism, but trust us, once you're blazing through "Ricola" on Expert, you'll be filled with a sense of righteous badassitude that you've never experienced before.

[Thanks, ugotamesij!]

Continue reading April Fools: Alpine Legend makes us yodel with joy

April Fools: Alpine Legend makes us yodel with joy originally appeared on Joystiq on Wed, 01 Apr 2009 16:20:00 EST. Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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April Fools: Jack Thompson wants government to legalize gamer murder

Justin McElroy — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 14:50:00 EST

You may think he's a stick in the mud, but Jack Thompson does have a sense of humor. Want proof? Hot on the news of a slaying that may be connected to GTA, JT wrote us to say: "This is a switch, as it is typically the chronic players of these murder simulators that kill people - lots of people. In light of this new and welcome development, Miami anti-violent video game activist today puts forth a modest proposal to curtail sales of the Grand Theft Auto video games: Anyone who shoots and kills a player of the Grand Theft Auto video games gets a) a full pardon and b) a $5000 federal income tax credit because of the killer's successful efforts to reduce pollution."

A hilarious call for mass murder in the wake of an actual tragedy and a classic literature reference? Be still our hearts.

April Fools: Jack Thompson wants government to legalize gamer murder originally appeared on Joystiq on Wed, 01 Apr 2009 14:50:00 EST. Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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April Fools: Nintendo releasing M-rated Smash Bros.

Justin McElroy — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 12:52:00 EST

Well, we guess this is one way to show the hardcore that you haven't abandoned them. The always-dependable IGN says that Nintendo is rolling out the new "Wii Expand" service with Super Smash Bros. Brawl X: Extreme, a super-violent take on the company's party fighter.

When it really comes out because it's really real, SSBBX:E will allow Link to decapitate Mario. So, yeah, it's going to be the best game ever.

Continue reading April Fools: Nintendo releasing M-rated Smash Bros.

April Fools: Nintendo releasing M-rated Smash Bros. originally appeared on Joystiq on Wed, 01 Apr 2009 12:52:00 EST. Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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April Fools: Gag taunts downtrodden Dragon Quest IX fans

JC Fletcher — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 11:48:00 EST

As a hilarious April Fools' Day prank, AkibaBlog posted a notice that Square Enix's DS role-playing game, Dragon Quest IX, had gone on sale early, with stores hosting surprise midnight launches. The blog posted pictures from other launch events in Tokyo's Akihabara district, passing them off as images of 2,000 eager gamers waiting to pick up their copies of the game. "The Starry Sky is protected, but the release date isn't," according to a fake marketing slogan.

If you happen to be in Akihabara, don't rush over to Sofmap! It's a joke. It seems especially cruel to pick on the people waiting for Dragon Quest IX, who are already grief-stricken over the game's delay from March 28 to July 11, and many of whom are probably crying right now, collapsed on the sidewalk outside of AsoBit Game City.

[Via Kotaku]

April Fools: Gag taunts downtrodden Dragon Quest IX fans originally appeared on Joystiq on Wed, 01 Apr 2009 11:48:00 EST. Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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April Fools: Next MGS to star Colonel Campbell

David Hinkle — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 11:19:00 EST

It would appear that Raiden is not the man to star in "the next MGS," as the slide above from Kojima's GDC keynote led us to believe. In fact, it's none other than old crazy man himself, Colonel Campbell, who will shoulder the responsibility of foiling whatever impending calamity is offered by the next MGS. Armed with nothing more than a sweet face visor and deadly cane, the Colonel shows you just how deadly he is in the video after the break.

[Thanks, Rodrigo!]

Continue reading April Fools: Next MGS to star Colonel Campbell

April Fools: Next MGS to star Colonel Campbell originally appeared on Joystiq on Wed, 01 Apr 2009 11:19:00 EST. Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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