Please ignore the noise coming from the kitchen, dear readers. That's just a little pot called 3D Realms calling next month's kettle of a conference, the E3 Media and Business Summit, black. Scott Miller, the head honcho at the Texas-based dev, recently spoke out against the annual event in hilarious fashion, calling the gathering "irrelevant" while confirming that 3D Realms' perpetually-delayed Duke Nukem Forever would not be shown. Shocking!

"In fact," he added. "I wasn't even aware it was coming up." On the one hand, we're left agape at the sheer irony of his words. On the other hand, however, this is coming from a company whose primary contribution to the industry is the poster child for inconsequential flotsam so – keeping that in mind – it seems reasonable that 3D Realms knows 'irrelevant' when it sees it.

Oh that crazy Duke has popped up yet again, kicking ass and chewing bubblegum as only he can. At least, that's what we think he's doing. Truthfully, it's pretty hard to tell from the latest tiny screenshot to emerge from the ever-elusive Duke Nukem Forever, which has surfaced on 3D Realms' site as part of a plea for developers to join the company's cause.

As for the Duke, looking at the screenshot we like to imagine that he's running to the grocery store, probably to pick up a pack of Stride. After all, the ridiculously long lasting flavor will serve our hero well while he, like the rest of us, continues to wait.

Some of the Shacknews crew are one small evolutionary step away from people who swear they've seen UFOs, the Virgin Mary in their toast, or Elvis at the laundromat. They've seen Duke Nukem Forever. No, we don't mean the underwhelming teaser they dropped last year or, well, that's about all we've seen in the last half-decade; we're talking about the actual game actually running on a modern computer.

They "witnessed several different DNF gameplay scenarios, mechanics, and environments being demonstrated ... including environmental puzzles and interactivity, a host of finished weapons, the existence of an in-game forklift, and plenty of heads and arms being blown off." For those skeptics out there disinclined to believe the existence of such nonsense, we point you towards the following comment by one Mr. George Broussard from developer 3D Realms, posting under the name GeorgeB3DR: "... out of the blue I just decided to show them DNF for about an hour ..."

... right, and we imagine they were also abducted "out of the blue" by a piece of toast with Elvis' face on it right after that. Duke Nukem Forever exists indeed.

"Duke Nukem Forever confirmed for 2008," heralds an unlikely source in Dallas Business Journal. What the modest, Texas newspaper actually seems to suggest is that 3D Realms is "on target" to release the mythical sequel sometime this year, though company co-owner Scott Miller adds, "we may miss the mark by a month or two" (wink, wink). Miller also hinted that "hitting the big three" (in this case, PC, Xbox 360 and PS3) is the obvious development strategy, but he continued to stress that 3D Realms has not "formally announced any platforms for DNF."

3D Realms informed Shacknews that any suggestion by Dallas Business Journal that DNF's release date and platforms have been confirmed is erroneous. Expect an official statement from 3D Realms later today. Update: 3D Realms president George Broussard lays it out loud and clear in the follow-up statement issued today. "The release date is still 'when it's done,' and will be until the appropriate moment. Platforms have not been finalized or announced. You can rest assured that we are moving toward a goal and that the recently released teaser trailer is the start of that process and seeing more of the game, sooner than later."

We should also note that Dallas Business Journal seemingly confirms ongoing rumor that Duke Nukem 3D is bound for Xbox Live Arcade and will include online multiplayer and co-op support. "We're really excited about bringing classic Duke to the 360," Miller allegedly told the paper, "We're talking to Microsoft about getting a release slot sometime this year."

The door swung shut, his familiar frame lumbered in, sunk into the couch, like nothing had changed these last ten years.

"Where have you been?" we screamed. "It's been ten years!"

"I'm looking for some alien toilet to park my bricks. Who's firrrrst?"

"So that's it? You come in here stinking like a wet cigar and that's all you've got to say for yourself?"

He puffed on his cigar, blew radioactive smoke in our faces, and left ...

Evidently, the boys at ShackNews have gotten over their abandonment issues (any pointers?) and taken a calendar-heavy look at the game's progress (or lack thereof, knowhutamean?) over the last decade of development. Most telling: the two E3 trailers, in '98 and '01, that show plenty of gameplay in what would almost seem to be a nearly complete game. Once you're done reading that, take another look at The Duke Nukem Forever List, an incredibly sobering breakdown of the things that have transpired since the game was first announced (spoiler alert: Google didn't exist yet). How much were milk and eggs back then, Grandpa?

Read – A Decade of Duke: The Brief Long History of DNF
Read – The Duke Nukem Forever List

As a sign that Duke Nukem (the character) is still alive and kicking, 3D Realms has announced that a teaser video for Duke Nukem Forever will go live tomorrow at noon CST (that's 1:00 p.m. EST, or Joystiq Time). To tide us over, the developer has released a screenshot (seen above) from tomorrow's video to prove that it does, in fact, exist.

After over a decade of waiting, it's about time somebody released a teaser video of the game in its current form. Of course, the very word "teaser" gives us the impression that it'll be less than 30 seconds long and have little to no bearing on the actual gameplay. If you've been waiting over 10 years to see Duke puff a high-resolution cigar, then good for you! If not, feel free to join us in the Land of Expected Disappointments tomorrow (with well roasted crow on standby).

[Thanks to everyone who sent this in]

This is getting ridiculous. Since initially announcing survival-horror project Sadness way back in April 2006 (when the Wii was still called the Revolution, for Pete's sake), Polish developer Nibris has leaked precious little concrete information about the troubled title. Now come word that the game, which was originally slated for Q4 2007 has been pushed back to sometime in 2009, according to an e-mail received by a NeoGAF poster.

It's a shame the development progress has been so spotty, since the Wii could definitely use a new horror title that wasn't ported from the GameCube. Here's hoping Sadness ends up coming out before Duke Nukem Forever

[Via WiiFanboy]

It makes a whole lot of sense, now that we think about it -- but we're not going to spoil the revelation for you, just check out God Mode Online's comic on the matter. Their observational skills netted them the rather dubious honor of webcomic of the week.

Second place goes to goats for their throwback to adventure games (huzzah!), while 2P Start narrowly edges out Penny Arcade for third place by a mere two votes. (See? Your clicks do matter.) We suspect next Saturday might have a few more Master Chief references. Thanks to everyone who voted, and be sure to let us know of any game-related webcomics you stumble upon this week!

Remember when we said another Duke Nukem Forever image prior to summer's end would indicate an "imminent apocalypse?" Time to prepare your shelters because 3D Realms threw in a new picture of DNF in the latest issue of Game Informer alongside the unveiling of Earth No More.

The picture itself is rather non-revealing -- even more so than the previous two pictures of Duke and a Pork Nemesis. Over at the DNF forums, 3DR staffer Joe Siegler said that he cannot post a higher-resolution image online but agreed to the suggestion that the screenshot's inclusion in the magazine might get more people to read about Earth No More. Sneaky tactic, indeed -- at least Duke is being used somehow.

Just a reminder, we are now in the year 10 A.D. ("After Duke"), a decade since the unveiling of DNF.

Get out your magnifying glass, Grandma, because we've got yet another nano-image of Duke Nukem Forever via a job posting on Gamasutra. This proof of existence leads us to only one extremely logical conclusion: that to cut back on development time, 3D Realms is going to use a native resolution 200 pixels wide. Oh, how clever they are!

Of course, we're not serious (hopefully), but those still holding on to the dream of Duke have another blip of hope. A previous DNF picture came from a Gamasutra job posting in January, just three months prior. Should we get another Duke sighting before the summer ends, we may be seeing the warning signs of an imminent apocalypse.

It sounds like brothers Jeremy and Julian Soule will bring music to 3D Realms' Duke Nukem Forever. 1UP believes so, and lays out its case with two intertwining pieces of evidence:

1. 3D Realms developer Raphael Van Lierop discussed in his blog about a recent visit from Julian Soule.
2. In an Insiders-only interview with IGN, Jeremy left one hint about his secretive upcoming project: "When it's done!!!" Okay, that alone would be enough of a confirmation since Duke Nukem Forever, still one of the most ironic titles in the history of entertainment, has kept to a release date of "when it's done."
   

Add to that previous relations when Jeremy Soule composed the soundtrack for 3D realms' Prey. Is Duke Nukem Forever really in full production? Minuscule screenshot notwithstanding, we'll have to see to believe it.

It's very small, you see. Spotted in a Gamasutra job listing and then discussed in a Shacknews forum, a puny proof of life for 3D Realms' perpetually unreleased Duke Nukem Forever has now been placed under the internet's collective microscope. "That's an in game, real-time shot of Duke standing in a random hallway," says George Broussard, posting on the official 3D Realms forums. "I'm glad some of you enjoyed it, and we'll show more later as we start to wake from our slumber and decide how best to show the game off."

For a start, bigger screenshots would be nice.

[Via Game|Life]

"Mr. Broussard, do you have a minute?"
"Make it quick, I'm in the middle of a WoW raid."
"I'm sorry ... quick?"
"You know, the opposite of slow?"
"Right! Well, Doom was released on Xbox Live Arcade just recently."
"Oh, I know, I was playing it all day yesterday. Good stuff."
"That's the general consensus, yes. Which is probably why every gamer ever now wants a port of Duke Nukem 3D as well."
"Hmm, I like that idea. Provided Microsoft wants it too, I'm sure we could make that happen ... right after I level up some more."

At least, that's how we imagine such a discussion to go down within the finely decorated offices of 3D Realms. Following Doom's successful outing on Xbox Live Arcade, fans have already begun a clamorfest (not an actual word) for an Xbox 360 port of that other FPS classic, Duke Nukem 3D. Commenting on the official 3D Realms forums, staff member Joe Siegler assured visitors that the idea had been favorably considered, but that getting a game onto Microsoft's service wasn't as easy as e-mailing them the original code.

"I talked about this yesterday with George, he's all up for the idea, but we don't have the time to do the port ourselves, plus there's the issue of whetther [sic] Microsoft would really want it. Don't just assume they would, there's a big submissions procedure to go through. Plus their release schedule is booked solid for quite awhile now, even if we delivered it to them today, I would imagine it wouldnt' [sic] come out for awhile anyway."

Imagine that. Still, if Microsoft were to eventually give the game their stamp of approval and a developer like Nerve were tasked with porting the game, it would probably be well worth the wait.

[Via Xbox 360 Fanboy]

We all know what George Broussard and his team at 3D Realms have been up to since they officially announced development of Duke Nukem Forever: they've been switching engines, winning awards, and remaining mum on when (though always insisting that it is coming) we'll get to see something -- anything -- about their increasingly long-in-the-tooth FPS.

Now that another E3 has come and gone with nary a Bruce Campbell-cribbed peep from our favorite (at least he used to be ... I think) video game protagonist, one dedicated gamer decided to update "The List" of things that have happened since DNF was announced. Included in "The List":

"When Duke Nukem Forever was announced, the fastest processor available to consumers was a 233Mhz Pentium. Since then the clock speed of consumer processors has increased over 16 times (32 times counting dual cores), and the fabrication process has decreased from 250nm to 65nm."

But that's not all folks! Just to pour salt into that open wound, they've added a list of things that have taken less time than DNF has been in production, like: "The Beatles formed, released every single one of their albums and broke up. During this time they also toured the world several times."

No pressure, guys. I'm sure these past ten years have been well spent, right? Right?!

[Thanks, Eli]