As today is a nationally recognized day of matronly appreciation, I thought it appropriate to recognize some of the prevalent mama's in video gaming in this edition of the JHS. No, not the real-life mothers of game industry icons, though we certainly appreciate the progenial contributions that Mrs. Molyneux and Miyamoto-san have made to the planet -- we're talking about the digital mommies of our favorite video game characters.
So here's to you, Jenova. You may not have carried Sephiroth in your extraterrestrial womb (birthing that Masamune-wielding badass would have been truly uncomfortable), but here at Joystiq HQ, we count test-tube babies as actual human beings. Also, kudos to the minigun-toting Barret Wallace. Despite being of the male persuasion, Barret did have a daughter, and was, in fact, a baaaaaad mother (shut yo' mouth)! I'm only talking about Barret! (We can dig it.)
Then, of course, is the quintessential "Mom" from the Pokémon series. Provider of running shoes, setter of date and time, and in certain installments, banker -- Pokémom is certainly the most useful parent ever featured in any gaming franchise. However, there's something to be said of the biomechanical oversight provided by Metroid's Mother Brain. Many mothers have trouble managing one household -- this encapsulated vixen keeps tabs on an entire planet.
As you find yourself awash in the emerald glow of the following upward-pointers, why not take a moment to share your appreciation for your favorite digital maternal unit -- and then, of course, your own female progenitor. You know she worries.
As the devious rapscallions who skip to the figures every week already know, the nation of Japan (and indirectly, the entire planet) is facing a dire emergency. No, not overpopulation, or global warming, or the biodiversity crisis -- I speak, of course, of the pending disappearance of all video game consoles from the face of the Earth, clearly evidenced by this week's underwhelming sales charts.
These lackluster sales figures couldn't possibly represent a decline in the ludological avarice of the Japanese people -- so what could be the cause for all the downpointery? Mankind's interference in the natural habitat of these illustrious creatures? Some sort of self-destructive behavior? Scientists and industry analysts are working around the clock to solve this dilemma before the gaming ecosystem collapses upon itself, leaving humanity with just one method of self-entertainment: Ball in a Cup. However, cheap Ball in a Cup knock-offs will surely follow, leading to the inevitable crash of the Ball in a Cup market, at which point we'll really be screwed.
To help prevent this near-certain extinction, the Joystiq crew has begun organizing "Console Aid 2008", a summer concert series that will sweep through the Pacific Northwest like a philanthropic plague. With headliners such as Tay Zonday, Rick Astley, O' Reelyn' teh Buckets, and (obligatorily) U2, we're sure to garner millions in ticket sales -- a breathtakingly charitable 4 percent of which will go toward the Video Game Preservation Fund. What? Blogger's gotta eat.
Your heart pounds like a blown-out speaker as you riffle through your trusty Infinideep Knapsack -- as would any other heart unfortunate enough to find itself in the chest of someone currently occupying the lair of a Slavering Fangbeast. Your trusty Bacon Helmet, bought for a small fortune from Ozz Ennennz, Master Retailer of Mystickal Meatcrafts and Armories, did not seem to make you invisible to the furious creature's eyes, as the duplicitous merchant had promised -- rather, it would seem the beast had taken a keen interest in your pork fat chapeau. With the Fangbeast's breath upon your nape, you know you only have seconds to act...
To draw your Sunsteel Elfblade and strike at the Slavering Fangbeast's throat, skip to paragraph A!
To read aloud the mystical "Fireglaive" spellscroll, skip to paragraph B!
A. The creature affords you just enough time to draw your Sunsteel Elfblade from its obsidian scabbard. As you rear back your stabbin' arm, you falter as you search for the Fangbeast's throat. If only you had taken that Xenobiologic Anatomy 101 course at Ye Olde Harvarde, you would have known that Fangbeasts of the Slavering variety do not possess throats, but instead, extra teeth. As the creature closes his meaty jaws around you, you curse the day you decided to major in Art History. The End.
B. Flinging your Bacon Helmet into the monster's saliva-flooded maw, you retreat to a well-lit corner of the room, and withdraw the mighty "Fireglaive" spellscroll, the same piece of mystical parchment that had gotten you out of many a similar predicament. As the beast finishes its fashionable snack, you don your reading glasses, then read aloud the mystical runes scribbled onto the surface of that sacred text:
You realize (with terror) that you recently let your brother, Purvis the Adequate, borrow ol' "Fireglaive" to clear out a rather bothersome termite infestation in his thatched roof cottage. The Fangbeast makes a brief, snarky comment about how the Japanese have apparently stopped playing video games, then returns to the task of unhinging his jaw, and swallowing you whole. The End.
The numbers and arrows were quite bland this week -- all systems kept their same rankings, with only minor shifts throughout. The PSP remained in its throne (lovingly crafted by the recently released Japanese mega-hit Monster Hunter Portable 2 G) and the 360 was surpassed in sales, briefly yet unexpectedly, by the Virtual Boy. Now, with all that obligatory industry chatter out of the way, we can focus on a much more important enterprise -- our boycott of Bad Company.
We hope you'll offer your support for our righteous cause, and swear off those angel-voiced monsters. No more purchases of (unlikely) further albums. No more costly concerts. No more performances of "Feel Like Makin' Love" at local open mic venues. It'll be a hard war to wage, but with your support, we're confident that we can put these conceited bastards in their place.
If this is the first you're hearing of it, allow us to apologize for putting a possible damper on your day -- Charlton Heston, former president of the National Rifle Association and star of "The Omega Man", "Planet of the Apes", and a plethora of other man-tastic films, passed away at the age of 84 last night. Regardless of your opinion of his fevered 2nd Amendment support, let's all take a moment to remember Charlton Heston, the actor.
From his iconic portrayal of Moses in "The Ten Commandments" to his unforgettable performance in the dystopian sci-fi classic "Soylent Green", and, lest we forget, his tear-jerking cameo in "Wayne's World 2", Heston was one of the most important figures in modern American cinema -- a pillar of the post-Golden Age of Hollywood. We'd like to encourage everyone to take a moment to shout out their favorite Heston-ism, no matter where you might be as you read this. He'd probably prefer a 21-gun salute, but it's the best we can do, for now.
With that somber farewell behind us, we can move on to our own dystopian future -- one where the PSP, riding a Monster Hunter Portable 2 G-flavored wave of popularity, nearly outsells every other console combined. That's not a bad thing, mind you -- just an unforeseen shift in momentum, seeing as how a year ago, the handheld market was quite reversed. As you ponder whether Japan has slipped into a parallel universe, here's a massive pot of number n' arrow stew.
And it would have outsold all of the competition combined if it weren't for that pesky Xbox 360 contributing 1,547 units to the tally. The number the other systems had to defeat was 129,986, the number of PSPs sold in Japan last week according to the compulsive counters at Media Create. Nintendo's DS occupied the second place in the chart with 58,916 sold -- less than half of that managed by the PSP.
The system's monster success arrives hand-in-hand with Capcom's Monster Hunter Freedom 2 G, which sold 880,468 copies in its first week. Capcom revealed earlier this week that it had already shipped over a million units of the PSP expansion in an attempt to satiate the demand for "epic battles with giant monsters."
It's been six days since our departure on our trusty oil tanker, the S.S. Ivan Drago, for the first annual (and last annual, presumably) Joystiq Spring Break Retreat STOP In a Paskowitzian show of patronly affection, our fearless leader opted out of the traditional beach-bound vacation, deciding it would be better a life experience for us to set out on the Big Blue in search of Black Gold STOP It's a decision we're sure he started to regret around the time a pod of enraged narwhals (with incredibly poor navigation skills) began repeatedly impaling our proud vessel with their unforgiving tusks STOP
We managed to make it to the shore of a long-deserted isle with only a few bags of Pretzel Flipz and an old-timey Telex machine, which Ross managed to modify using sand, coconut husks, and supplies from a nearby RadioShack so that we may carry out our daily posting duties STOP It's the only thing that's keeping us from turning on one another -- that, and the hope that one day, we will exact our revenge on those loathsome, mutant devil whales STOP
In topics not relating to sea mammal vengeance, this week saw the DS Lite reclaiming the throne it became so familiar with throughout most of last year, and the Wii picking up the slack it seemed to have dropped in recent weeks -- though the PSP's continued sales growth shows no signs of STOP ping STOP Wait, dammit STOP Can I start over STOP
Update: The hunt is complete! Reader GoldenS1104 was the first gumshoe to spot the three eggs (answers can be viewed after the jump, though the eggs have been removed) and will receive an extra special Brush on the upcoming podcast. Congratulations, Golden, and thanks to all who participated!
We're sure that many of you currently lay in a Whopper-fueled stupor, unable to will your appendages to lift themselves off of the ground -- but perhaps we could entice you to jump into action for a worthy reward. You see, hidden inside of three posts over the past two months are tiny Easter eggs, just aching to be found by an avid Joystiq reader. The first person to find all three and leave a comment containing the headlines of the stories where the eggs were located wins a prize more valuable than gold -- a B-B-B-Brush with Fame on the next Joystiq Podcast. We've got hints after the jump -- Let the hunt begin!
Those who haven't set off in a headstrong search for fame and glory know that true happiness comes from knowing what consoles sold the most in Japan last week. No real shockers from this edition -- the handheld market is continuing to boom, with the PSP dominating overall (though the DS is beginning to nip at its heels), and the 360 is selling at N-Gage-esque speeds.
Many of you may be startled to see your beloved Japanese hardware sales chart with both a schedule and author irregular. As you may have pieced together from the title, everyone's favorite Chocolate Log-loving South African blogger has tasked this lowly weekend editor with maintaining the sacred stream of statistics in order to scare up some free time to finish writing the ol' novel. Little does he know how easily I become intoxicated when trusted with meager amounts of power.
You may have your precious numbers and accompanying arrows this week, but the steady font of sales figures will only continue should I, with my immeasurable prudence, deem you worthy. As swiftly as I breathed new life into this once-great feature, I can just as easily lower my grim claw from the armrest of my obsidian throne, and relentlessly crush its fragile windpipe.
Keeping this solemn promise in mind, let's get our chart on.
After a long sabbatical, the Japanese hardware sales have returned! Well, people in Japan have continued purchasing game systems week after week, it's just that we've now stopped ignoring them. It would be more accurate to say then, that our weekly sales chart has finally come bursting through the office door, eliciting admiration both for its fine holiday tan and renewed work drive.
It returns to a strange new world, one where the PSP has managed to best the DS Lite (again) and, perhaps more disturbingly, where glorified spread sheets become personified and go on vacation. We used to be able to make sense of all this. Perhaps you could be kind enough to leave some suggestions in the comments? Tell us how you'd like us to improve this weekly feature, be it through moar statz or fewer words.
Well, here you are again, about to turn over the last page of the calendar, all too cognizant of the fact that an ugly cardboard backing awaits you. Perhaps it'll even bear a yellowed price sticker highlighting how much you overpaid for the Official Best of Midway calendar. Really, you ought to know better than buying one that starts at December!
Though there's still one purely metaphorical and thus environmentally promiscuous page left for 2007 sales in Japan (these are last week's sales, remember), it'll be 2008 by the time you get to read about them. Now, we don't want you walking into the spectacular annual finale without a bit of preparation, so we've poured over the entire year's sales charts to establish and highlight 2007's most prominent trends. You'll find a detailed and nuanced report after the break.
Oh, it's one of those weeks. You know, where we have to abandon the three pages of irrelevant drivel (remember thenoirtrilogy?) we had lined up and instead provide some explanation regarding the more curious bits of the Japanese hardware sales chart. It's certainly a dramatic change from tradition, one that's nearly matched by the revelation that the color red, as sported by our dramatic downward arrows, occasionally points to good news.
As you may have already noticed (since you usually skip the aforementioned irrelevant drivel), the PSP enjoyed a stellar week, surging past the Wii with 184,610 units sold. Our friends at PSP Fanboy thought it somewhat mysterious, but we suspect the sales catalyst was the newly released "Deep Red" PSP and 1Seg TV tuner bundle. The sales increases enjoyed by other platforms can be tied to actual software -- the DS Lite, the Wii and the PlayStation 3 got helping hands from Mario Party DS, Wii Fit and Gran Turismo 5 Prologue respectively.
If the Japanese hardware sales chart is the first thing to pop into your mind (and search engine) on a beautiful Saturday morning, you may feel compelled to question the priorities in your life. You may even wrestle with the word "life" itself, perhaps bumping it down a notch to "existence" and appending adjectives like "sad" and/or "meaningless." We're here to eliminate those impulses though, reminding you that there's no shame in being completely obsessed with the video game purchases of a foreign culture.
After all, there's some loser who woke up on Saturday morning (thanks, Flying Alarm Clock!) just to pull that rubbish out of a custom spreadsheet and post it on a website.
As you may or may not have noticed, depending on your reading ability and tolerance for vaguely irrelevant yet alluringly foreign sales charts, the Nintendo Wii enjoyed a surge in Japanese retail popularity last week. If you're looking to blame something, be sure to point your gnarled index finger at Wii Fit. That's the balancercise board, mind you, not the phenomenon perceived by someone watching you play Wario Ware: Smooth Moves.
We can't comment on the quality of the product yet, but the illustrations on the box make it seem like the perfect toy for the posers among us.
We understand that the cluttered presentation of the weekly Japanese hardware sales chart, what with its intimidating numbers and indecisive, colored pointy things, can occasionally be somewhat of a chore to decipher (and consequently appreciate). You may be able to discern the statistical shenanigans, but what of the reasons for platforms rocketing into the sky or plummeting to the ground like a lead yoyo without a string? Or... a rock, we guess.
Far be it from us to withhold the answers from you! Well, we do withhold them ever so slightly... you'll have to highlight the answers in this easily accessible Q & A format!
A sudden surge in DS Lite sales? Where did that come from? The offices that spawned a Dragon Quest IV remake, of course. By law, Japanese citizens must at the very least feign interest in this venerable RPG franchise.
The PSP seems to be doing quite well. Did something happen? The PSP's been on a roll ever since the slim models came out -- and Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII didn't hurt either.
What's up with the Xbox 360 going from dismal sales to slightly less dismal but still works as a punchline levels? The answer is simple... but it's not here.
Remember how the PS3 outsold the Wii the previous two weeks? Yes, we questioned the very fabric of reality.
Why am I so easy to manipulate? WE WILLED YOU TO HIGHLIGHT THIS TEXT.
8,459 (9.15%)
300 (0.35%)
Your heart pounds like a blown-out speaker as you riffle through your trusty Infinideep Knapsack -- as would any other heart unfortunate enough to find itself in the chest of someone currently occupying the lair of a Slavering Fangbeast. Your trusty Bacon Helmet, bought for a small fortune from Ozz Ennennz, Master Retailer of Mystickal Meatcrafts and Armories, did not seem to make you invisible to the furious creature's eyes, as the duplicitous merchant had promised -- rather, it would seem the beast had taken a keen interest in your pork fat chapeau. With the Fangbeast's breath upon your nape, you know you only have seconds to act...
Many of you may be startled to see your beloved Japanese hardware sales chart with both a schedule and author irregular. As you may have pieced together from the title, everyone's favorite 
We understand that the cluttered presentation of the weekly Japanese hardware sales chart, what with its intimidating numbers and indecisive, colored pointy things, can occasionally be somewhat of a chore to decipher (and consequently appreciate). You may be able to discern the statistical shenanigans, but what of the reasons for platforms rocketing into the sky or plummeting to the ground like a lead yoyo without a string? Or... a rock, we guess. 
